Front Porch Pick Up

Front Porch Pick Up

July 18, 2020

Must give up recently purchased exercise bike. Six months old with three miles on the odometer. No. I did not rig the odometer to read less. We are dead-in-the-box lazy. But always thinking there’s hope for the two us. There is no hope. I figure we get enough exercise shooing the neighborhood strays away from our dog Ethel, who will one day be spayed. We just haven’t come to terms with our feelings on the matter. DM if interested in the bike. Makes a swell coat rack when company comes.

August 22, 2020

Had a weak moment while watching the Home Shopping Network and purchased Ramone’s Chest Hair Removal Strips. My wife said that my chest hair is as fine and sexy as the day I was born. It was ‘them other hairs’ she found disturbing. But I’ve no intention of going where she wants me to go with them strips, so they’re free for the taking. Like I said, I had a weak moment – and too many appletinis. (The appletinis were my wife’s idea. I’m a scotch man myself, but damn if them appletinis don’t beat you up just the same.) DM me if you’ve any interest in removing unruly hairs. Consider this when sober.

September 18, 2020

William Holden poster torn at the corners from when I ripped it off the wall during one of my asinine hissy fits. The poster was my wife’s idea. It was from the time he was in the movie Picnic. He’s up there looking all beefy, and he’s sexy dancing with Kim Novak at the Labor Day picnic. It’s a scene that always gets my wife hot and steamy, and when my wife gets all hot and steamy it means I gotta start earning my half of the bedsheets, but all that ever gets worked up on my end are the damn cramps in my legs which always sends me crashing to the floor hollering for mercy from sweet Jesus. DM if you’re at all interested, and are not inclined to rage against a caring wife when all she craves is a little attention. I am working on making myself better. But William Holden can got to hell.

October 30, 2020

Halloween will not be celebrated at our house tomorrow night due to the pandemic. But if you insist on invading someones front porch in search of a digestible, I’ve finally gotten around to cleaning out the kitchen cupboard and will be delighted to leave for your plucking pleasure an assortment of foods that did not fit in with our prudent palates.

Don’t DM me. First come first served. We turn our lights off at five PM so don’t bother knocking to complain that the only thing left for the taking was the Marmite. It is an honest to goodness food product, but we have it on good authority that it’s swell for patching those slow leaks on bicycle tires and cleaning that moldy grout around your bathroom sink. Consider it a bonus. And if you do come over please make sure to wear your masks. Not the scary ones though. I have a sensitive cat and it took me near an hour to get her off Ethel’s hind leg after last year’s Halloween shenanigans. Wear those masks at home and scare each other silly in the privacy of your own homes.

November 1, 2020

The thought of Election Day and Thanksgiving have put my wife and me in a tailspin of emotions. We decided to shudder up the house for the month and hold ourselves hostage till the whole thing blows over. The only thing you’ll be finding on our front porch this month are mouse carcasses and fishbones. Our cat is one self-sufficient feline. Wish our dog Ethel could say the same. As it is she now only eats what we eat or she sulks like it was her own invention. Damn is she ever fat.

We’ll be seeing you come December. And if you start to smell something funny as you pass by the house, it may be us. But don’t call the coroner just yet. The rent’s paid and we intend to get our money’s worth. In the meantime enjoy your voting and turkey munching. But don’t get all liquored up and start hollering at your kids. The nursing home’s full of lonely old people who were forever hollering. Hold ‘em tight and love ‘em till death do you part. Ethel and the cat is all the good lord blessed us with, but we’ll love ‘em till the end.

Dec. 31st

Free puppies to anyone willing. We didn’t know Ethel was pregnant. Figured she was getting fat on account of us and our ways. We ought to have paid better attention. I don’t know how many strays have had their way with Ethel, but she did drop quite a variety of offspring, and the runt of the litter seems to have a lot of cat in her. I don’t even want to think about that. DM if interested. And do take your dog to the vet. It’ll take the guess work off the table.

Happy New Year to you all.

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