How do you forgive a parent?

Is he aware at all d'you think of his own problems in this area, and your problems with him, and your mother's? Have you been able to talk to your mother about it, or to a trusted relative or famiiy friend? or to a friend's parents? Rhiannon

I didn't like my dad. You always get that assertion dressed as a question, aye, but you must have loved him? No. The strange thing is every year that passes I get more like him. This too will pass is the obvious piece of advice. But there's no grand scheme of things, only now. You've made a start, writing can be therapeutic. Let rip with your writing. Read more and you'll understand more. Speak to someone you can trust, Even a helpline. You won't get an arsehole like me, but people that care about what they do. Ofen people that have been through the same things as you. Cling on to yourself. And most of all forgive yourself for having feelings. 

Ladybell I'm so sorry to read about your worries which, as you say, must be amplified in the current situation. There are supposed to be measures in place where if you are in an abusive situation (and abuse isn't just physical) you absolutely don't have to stay where you are, even though there's a pandemic, and neither does your mother. If you're still at school, do you have a tutor you could talk to? You could also try calling Childline - https://www.childline.org.uk. I think you can also text if you don't feel able to speak. I do hope things get better for you xx

I'm so sorry to hear this.  And this site is here to be supportive when you need it.  

It sounds as though you are spending so much emotional energy trying to forgive and understand your father, but please think about prioritising yourself right now.  Forgiveness may come later, and I don't doubt that understanding will help come to terms with what he is doing, but abusers work by making you feel that they are the ones who are important, and the fact that you feel hopeless does not come from you, it's part of his abuse.  

There's an organisation called Young Minds Matter (you may already be aware of them) http://youngminds.org.uk who may be able to help, or do call the Samaritans, if you can get privacy.  Neither of these are a long term fix, but may be able to help with the present crisis.  

I don't know if you are able to talk to your mum about the situation.  The child often feels that they don't want to make things worse for the parent who is being abused.  I would echo Rhiannon's point about contacting someone trusted outside the family, but I also know that doing this may seem very threatening to the whole structure of your own immediate family. 

Please do make contact with Young Minds Matter or another organisation where you can talk more fully about your own particular circumstances, and they can give you the best advice.  And please do keep checking in on here.  We're a community.  You don't have to write a poem.  You just have to be here.

Take care x

Hi ladybell. I have a similar history and understand the conflicting emotions. First of all, make sure you and your mother are safe. I can't better the advice above. Try the links and contacts in the above comments. Second, you are not alone and there's help out there and you've made the first step here. There's always a way out and a way forward. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Get some space and someone to talk to by contacting the above. Take care and open that channel of communication. Keep it open.

Hi Ladybell, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. This must be very hard for you. It must be so difficult too, as you have said, to feel that there is little respite at the moment due to COVID and lockdown. I would echo all of the above - there are people and places that you can reach out to - some, one or all of them. As Rhiannon said - is there someone you could talk to? Mum, other family member? I totally understand if you feel unable to do this too though. Also your doctor? Especially that you are sometimes experiencing suicidal thoughts. You can talk to your doctor on the phone and they can help support with this and put you in contact with local services. If it helps to know this - you are not alone in this - I take medication, speak to my doctor often and have therapy every week - all on the phone at the moment! And although I don't know where you live - I do know that your local area will have mental health teams and organisations. For suicidal thoughts specifically, I'm so sorry that you feel like this. How terrible for you. Again though, I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. And when you are having these thoughts, this is a very important time to ask for help if you feel able to - the Samaritans are great - there are long waiting times at the moment due to the volume of calls, but they will always answer even if it takes a long time. You can call them for free on: 116 123. I hope you suspect from my comment that I do occasionally call them myself - sometimes it's really helpful to talk to someone who doesn't know you and it can really help to talk things through in tough moments. Often, however bad I feel, I am surprised how powerful talking how I am feeling in the moment through with someone. There is also a text service here: https://giveusashout.org/get-help/ And lots of contacts to think about here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/for-children-and-young-peopl...

The most important things that I want you to know, having read what you have written, is that you can ask for help and that there is help out there if you do - even though things may feel more remote and isolating at the moment. Keep asking, however you choose to do that - including writing something here if you find that helpful. In an emergency, please always, always ask for help.
 

You are also not alone. Sometimes it helps to know this so I think it's worth saying again. You are not alone.

You also talked about forgiveness. This is a very common feeling in response to abuse, but as airyfairy said, perhaps this is not the priority at the moment, but you are. Also, you don't have to forgive anything. I know we all often feel that if it's family then we should forgive and we should love them, but ultimately this is quite a damaging thought for lots of us - you don't have to, perhaps you won't and that's ok. All your feelings are ok and valid - it's totally understandable that you feel angry. I felt angry for you reading your words. 

I am so grateful that you reached out by writing this. Thank you for trusting this little part of the internet to share your feelings. I hope this reassures you a little bit that if you ask for help, in whatever form, you are not alone, and there are people who will hear you and offer what help and comfort they can. 
 

Keep asking for help, keep sharing. And again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. 
 

Rachel 

... to forgive yourself, for feeling and being vulnerable; you are not the responsible adult in this situation. Several have given good advice and contacts in preceding comments, reach out, you need and deserve support.

In doing so, you might also gain support for your parents difficulties.

best and a socially distanced hug

L x

 to read this, but at the same time happy that you have this site to air your feelings, or just plain vent. I have little advice to offer, I'm afraid. One thing I did do about a situation where I was powerless in the power of an authority figure was draft a letter to them saying all the things I could not,dared not,say. I never sent it, of course,and nor should you,but it helped to list the injustices and slights. It helped me. My situation was never as terrible as yours, but I found it intolerable at the time.

As you see, people are here for you. Good luck.

Ewan x

Thank you for sharing this here – it’s a brave thing to do. I can only echo the support and advice of the others on this forum. There are links and numbers to services that are there to help you and people who will listen to what you have to say.  Likewise, do consider talking to any trusted friends and family that you may have.

Please do know that you are not to blame for the situation and therefore thoughts of forgiveness are perhaps best left for another time. Be kind to yourself and know that you will get through this period. Having grown up around something similar, I can tell you that things do get so much better. That’s a promise.

Sending you a big virtual hug. 

Glad you decided to post this here, ladybell. I know from experience that reaching out is a big dial. It may not give you all the answers you're looking for, but the power of a comforting word can do wonders for the soul. I do hope you take the advice the others had to offer by checking out those links. And please don't hesitate to give a shout out to this group when you get the urge. You won't be ignored.  And celtic is right. Writing is therapeutic. So do try to get it down on paper. It's done wonders for me. I'll be thinking about you, ladybird, and sending some good vibes from across the pond. Big hugs to you. 

Rich x

Hi Isabel :0)

Well Done! being brave and posting about how you feel, this is not an easy thing. It is what a strong, hopeful person does, someone who wants to make things better! There has been lots of advice from members of the site who know what they are doing, their kindness has often helped me in the past

I don't know what it is like to live with an adult who is being abused but doesn't seem able to help themselves, this must be terrible for you, trying to think what to do for the best. I have no advice on how to help your Mum.

What might help you a tiny bit is to write about it, as Ewan says? On this site there is an option to write a post but not make it public? Sometimes if very low it helps to write it down, just how it comes out, then click not publish at the bottom? Then another day you can read it and think "I survived that, I am strong, I can keep going!" If things are getting worse, each time you write, you should maybe see that as a reason to ask for help which will bring consequences?

You could try writing your situation into a fantasy setting? So you are in control. Then what happens is material

Whatever happens, always remember people here are kind and knowleadable and care, and want to know how things are going for you, and I bet the same is true of your teachers at school? I have read your poems, I know this feeling. I think many writers have it? So YOU ARE NOT ALONE REALLY  :0)

I feel for you Ladybell, you've done exactly the right thing in reaching out in a way which you feel safe. I know living with parents who have an unhealthy relationship with each other can feel like a pressure cooker in which you feel in danger of exploding. I echo what others, Ewan in particular, have said; perhaps write a letter to both your parents explaining how you see things and currently feel, of course you can keep it private. It may be that you can never fully forgive your father but it is possible to forgive yourself and for how it all makes you feel because none of it is your fault. You are not alone and as a sensitive person, these experiences will only give you a high level of emotional intelligence in the future which can shape healthy relationships with yourself and others in years to come.

Sweetheart, you must talk to somebody.  Are you still at school? Talk to a sympathetic teacher or school counsellor. Ring Childline, or the Samaritans. Make an appointment and see your doctor. Most importantly, please speak to the counsellor you already have, because they know your history.  If it's worst through the night when you have too much time to think, I'm nocturnal, ring me 07840 287962, I'm not qualified, but I am a mother, I'll listen until the sun comes up and you can get proper help. Ring anytime day or night. We can talk music, and television and books and absolute rubbish until it passes--and it does pass enough to feel you can cope with another day. We can get on Skype and you can write a bloody book. I'll help you plot chapters so you have a goal. Write fiction, it's great escapism. Or write YOU. Write, and write and write and write. Write every bad word in your vocabularly and then look up some more. Write every thought and feeling inside your head, and one hour becomes two, becomes more and then you sleep and wake up and eat and function. Talk to your mum. Let her know that it's okay to make changes. But know that you are not responsible for her. She has to make her own choices. Do you have a best friend you can confide in? Make sure it's somebody trustworthy who will keep your confidence. How old are you? Childhood passes and very soon you will be responsible for your own choices. As an adult, your life will come down to one thing. Choices (I've made some terrible ones.) When you are in a position to be in charge of your decisions, you can have a fabulous life. And it all comes down to the choices you make every day. And the first one, right now, is to hang in there. Look after you. Stay safe. Talk to professionals...and if you hit a moment of crisis talk to somebody, anybody to get you through those moments. Crisis is a wave, it can't be maintained if you have somebody to be with while you ride it, person/phone/email/text. I have never been suicidal and two things keep me from that when the world gets scary. One, I write through the bad hours. and two, I have a kind of mantra that has seen me through my whole life.  You are in living in this one hour--NOW, it's bad, but the next one might be better, or the one after that or after that or after the next. You give up and you will never have that amazing hour. This site is amazing, write here any time you need support. Find Facebook groups in subjects that you have an interest and chat to people. Keep in touch with your mates.  Normally I'd say, get out of the house and leave them to it, distance yourself, but I know that's difficult at the moment and you're probably hearing more of it than you normally would. Great people in here, put your headphones on, block out the background, and write whatever you need to on here any time. Your account is your space, use it as a box to put the bad stuff in, you can make it private.  Take care. 

Ladybell, please don't worry about giving the wrong impression - 20 is still very young. I think we all assumed you were UK based and when we say 'school' here we mean actual school (4 - 18) whereas in many other countries it can also mean university. I'm pleased you've had such lovely responses and thank you for taking the time to reply to each one - it must have taken quite a while! Covid has done a real number on people your age - I hope things get better soon - and feel free to keep on posting if you find it helps