The Thin Black Line

Archibald Thurble was in something of a dilemma. 

He was currently trying to balance a full cup and saucer, along with a tea plate full of biscuits (which were threatening to slide off at any moment) and he was acutely aware that he was only seconds from an inevitable disaster. 

What he needed to be able to do was to place all of these items on Josiah Oakshott’s desk, as had been his original intention, but the desk was currently completely occupied by the pages from the daily newspaper, which Josiah was studying intently.  Eventually, after a period of dithering and hopping from one foot to another, Archibald gave up the unequal struggle and just dumped the lot in the middle of the paper, directly in Josiah’s line of sight.

“Thank you, Archibald” Josiah said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “I could have sworn that I was reading something of great importance but, apparently, I was mistaken”

“Oh, well, that’s alright then, Mr. O.” Archibald said, with relief, “I was worried about putting your tea and biscuits down”

Josiah stared at his employee for a few minutes.  Occasionally, words failed him, and this was just such an occasion.  He usually found that counting to ten helped.  In this instance, he was up to fifty and showing no signs of stopping.

“Was there ‘owt interesting in the paper then, Mr. O.?”  Archibald asked, innocently.

“Oddly enough, Archibald, yes there was.  Coincidentally, in the very article that is now obscured by spilt tea”

“What was that then, Mr. O.?” Archibald enquired, oblivious to the reference.

“Well, it concerned our profession, Archibald.  In fact, it has made me wonder whether we ought to add another string to your bow, the string in question being that of Event Security Management?”

“Event Sec…what’s that when it’s at home then?”

“I think the commonplace term is that of ‘bouncer’” Josiah said with a grim smile.

“Wasn’t he that dog in that Australian soap opera?”  Archibald frowned

“In this instance, I am referring to those gentlemen, and it is usually, although not I’m advised, exclusively, gentlemen, who guard the entrance to nightclubs and other entertainment venues”

“Oh, them!” Archibald said, with some feeling, “I got slung out of a pub once by one of them”

“Really, Archibald?  I had no idea you led quite such a riotous social life” Josiah said with amusement.

“Well, I don’t really” Archibald said, glumly, parking himself unbidden on the chair in front of Josiah’s desk.  “It were a stag night, type of thing, and they were ordering pints and summat called shots to follow.  So, when it were my round, I stood up, reached into me jacket for me wallet, and said, ‘Right, who wants shooting?’ and these two bald-headed blokes in leather jackets bundled me outside and told me not to come back!”  Archibald was clearly aggrieved by the memory.

“I see” Josiah stifled a chuckle, “clearly something had been lost in translation”

“I think they’re all barmy!” Archibald said, with feeling.  “Why did you think I’d want to do that?”

“It is more whether that is something we might have to undertake as part of our day-to-day activities” Josiah said, whilst trying to salvage some of the article from under the tea and biscuits, “the article that I was studying, prior to your entrance, referred to a recent case whereby a Funeral Director elsewhere in the country has been fined a sum of £10,000 for breaching the current covid restrictions”

“Strewth, what did he do?”

“Well, the contention is that he allowed 150 people to attend a funeral ceremony as opposed to the government maximum of 30.  I believe, although I now cannot ascertain exactly, due to the widening pool of tea, that our professional association is taking the matter up on the grounds that it cannot and should not be incumbent upon the Funeral Director to try to limit the number of people attending”

“You mean, all these folk just turned up?” Archibald frowned.

“That I cannot now ascertain, even if such information was available in the article.  However, that seemed to be the inference.  Therefore, you will understand my concern and my reference to Event Security?”

“You mean, we could have to chuck people out of the Crem?” Archibald asked, incredulously.

“I wouldn’t quite go that far, but it seems to me that, if the appeal on behalf of the profession falls on deaf ears, then it would be prudent to take all reasonable precautions to limit the number attending, possibly by physically excluding, or attempting to physically exclude, those who tried to gain access” Josiah said, sombrely.

“Phew!” Archibald considered the possibility with a degree of horror, “I wouldn’t fancy doing that.  You know how narked people can get when they’re upset!  Remember that Mr. Blunt?” (See ‘From a distance…’)

“I do recall your difficulties with that client, Archibald, and you may recall that it was that incident, amongst others, that spurred me to recruit Ms. Knight to our fold, to act as a Bereavement Counsellor?”

“Yeah, I remember” Archibald agreed, grudgingly.  Samantha Knight joining the business had scuppered his hopes of his girlfriend, Electra Ryder being taken on, so he was still a little bitter about that.  “I don’t see how we could do it!  I mean, if a hundred odd people turned up and wanted to get in, there’s no way me and say, Egbert, are going to be able to stop them!”

“No, you’re quite right, Archibald.” Josiah nodded, “not to mention the inappropriateness of conducting a pitched battle outside a crematorium or church.  It is clearly unreasonable to expect our profession to police such a situation.  Obviously, if we had foreknowledge that numbers over and above the maxima of 30 were being invited, and did nothing to dissuade or counsel against such an action, or indeed if we actively conspired to bring such an outcome about, then we would be, quite rightly, held to account”

“Yeah” Archibald agreed, dubiously, not being entirely sure that he had followed the twists and turns of that particular argument.  “’Cause, if I had to try and stop someone like my Nan from getting in, I’d definitely want danger money”

“Ah yes, how is your grandparent?” Josiah asked, grateful for the change in topic.

“Still sulking about the boozers being shut” Archibald said, morosely, “we can’t get her out of the front room, what with all the empties piling up!  We have to call ‘Last Orders’ to try to get her to go to bed!”

“Has she had her vaccination yet?”

“Nah, she’s had a letter but she reckons she’s not going” Archibald shook his head.

“Why ever not?”  Josiah looked surprised.

“It’s ‘cause she reckons it’s all a con so as Bill Gates can put a chip in her and tell what she’s thinking”

“Let me see if I fully understand this, Archibald.  Your Nan labours under the belief that the government’s vaccination programme is solely designed to enable Bill Gates to access her deepest thoughts?”

“Well, not just her, obviously” Archibald grinned, “she means everybody what has had the jab”

“Why would Bill Gates want to do such a thing?”

“Beats me!”  Archibald frowned, “I told her, I don’t know what you’re thinking and I live in the same house.  Why would Bill Gates want to know right over there in California, or wherever he is?”

“A germane point, Archibald” Josiah smiled, “she really should be vaccinated.  Perhaps you could point out that, the sooner the vaccination programme has covered those most at risk, the sooner the restrictions can be lifted somewhat, which may include the opening of public houses?”

“Oh yeah, I never thought of that!” Archibald cheered up, somewhat, at the thought, “I suppose it might mean we didn’t have to stick to just 30 at a funeral an’ all?”

“That would be a boon, Archibald.  Moreover, a successful vaccination programme would, undoubtedly, reduce the number of covid-related deaths amongst the most vulnerable, which would, in turn, reduce the burden on services such as ours”

“Fingers crossed, eh?”  Archibald stood up and started toward the door, “have you had the call yet, Mr. O.?”

“I have not, Archibald” Josiah replied, tersely, “not least because I do not yet fall into any of those age ranges that are deemed to be at high risk and which are, therefore, being prioritised”

“Oh, right” Archibald grinned, “every cloud eh, Mr. O.?”

“By which, I take it, you mean the apparent silver lining of being too young for vaccination, yet considered by your employees to be sufficiently geriatric to warrant it?”

“Yeah, summat like that” Archibald grinned and beat a hasty retreat.

You can find many more stories about Josiah and Archibald in these two collections for just 99p each!:

A Dubious Undertaking

Grave Expectations