My Crazy Diamond

By Mentalelf

Wed, 03 Feb 2021
  • 1426 reads
9 comments
 

On the annivesary of my sons death to cancer at eighteen years of age I wrote this song at two in the morning. I emailed it to Davids friend Dooley, who sent it back by ten. 

My Crazy Diamond

 

As these words cascade upon the page

I feel a hole inside

Sometimes I shine like you

My crazy diamond.

All my friends say its good to have you back

But I’m not there

I’ll spend another day

Just staring at these four walls.

Come crashing down,

I smash my flat up again.

Silence deafens now

As these words cascade upon the page

I feel that your not there

 Once I felt you rest on my shoulder

Now I’m five years older

The pain as fresh as yesterday

And the drugs don’t work now.

My dreams are full of death

They bring no distraction

I awake with tears in my heart

And a pillow case sodden.

It all comes crashing down

I’ll just smash my flat up again

The silence deafens now now now

As these words cascade upon the page

I feel a hole inside

Sometimes I shine like you my crazy diamond

All my friends they say it’s good to have you back

But I’m not there

I’ll spend another day just staring at these four walls

Staring at these four walls.

 

https://youtu.be/0bsAuV-cYzw

 

 

Certificate 15
Non-fiction
Cancer

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

I'm so sorry you're going through this mental - sending you a virtual sympathetic hug

 

Submitted by Mentalelf on

Hugs are good, and I know you care, thank you.

Kia Kaha (Maori .... "stay strong")

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

just read the earlier song you wrote when he died. So sorry the pain is still as great. Empathy from those who share such an experience can be of some support, and empathetic divine help. Maybe the good memories can lead to thinking of how he would want you to live on? Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Mentalelf on

There is for me such "divine" help. I can't believe in a divinety that allows bone cancer in children. Nor all the suffering present. But I do not judge and respect others beliefs and sometimes even envy the relief that can bring. Yes there are good memories, of course, but for some reason they always twist in my mind to the cruelty cancer inflicts and I have no control over my nightmares. But I sincerely thank you for reading and listening to the songs. 

Kia Kaha (Maori .... "stay strong")

Submitted by Mentalelf on

 

Kia Kaha (Maori .... "stay strong")

Submitted by seashore on

Hi Mentalelf

Your words in this poem really resonate with me, as I lost my daughter 4 years ago.  Different circumstances but an avoidable death (long story).  My daughter was a Crazy Diamond too (Syd Barrett - Pink Floyd?) & used to write on Abc as Overthetop1 though some of her stuff is now on my account.  When she died everyone here was great, enabling her work to be published.

Anyway, enough about me - I wondered if you have heard of a charity called The Compassionate Friends?  It's entirely run by bereaved parents to support other bereaved parents and families.  Google it and you'll find the details.  They have online support groups, private Facebook groups & helpline..   I honestly don't know how I would cope without them.  Let me know if you need any more info.

It's good you're able to write...I really struggled and only wrote my first piece recently after 4 years of a total block.

Thinking of you in these dark times & keep those words cascading...

Coral   

PS. Read your profile - I too have ptsd.

 

Submitted by Mentalelf on

PTSD.... its a struggle. I feel for you. Phil x.

Kia Kaha (Maori .... "stay strong")

Submitted by Mentalelf on

Thank you, firstly i'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't get easier does it? I've tried a group for bereaved dads as I was a single parent and his mother was distant. But I found the meetings dragged me down. I'll look at the group you've mentioned though.

I've always had literature in my life and writing, but when David became ill I was bombarded with messages from well wishers from around the world, i've been to 53 countries so you can imagine, so I couldn't deal with it all... so I set up a FB page and kept everyone updated on there.

This is a very compassionate site, and unfortunately I lost an old friend recently too, Rick Gammon, and they have looked after his posts here too. Sadly four days after Rick my father passed too, so things are hard, but writing does help. Did you get chance to hear the songs? I have another post "Blues For David". Sometimes I write to release the bile that has found its way in, you are so right, writing helps. 

You have every right to write about you! And your daughter. I also feel sometimes when I write there is a desperation that they shouldn't be forgotten and writing helps preserve thier memories for us. Do you find that? I've talked to many families who lost therough cancer... all young people and they all agree there is this fear of forgetting, although we beat ourselves up, sometimes unconciously, with it.

But I am very grateful for your reply, writing of your own loss wasn't easy I know.

Kia Kaha (Maori .... "stay strong")

Submitted by seashore on

No it doesn't get easier and I understand some groups/meetings can drag you down - I found that at first with a local group until I went to one of the TCF annual retreats in a country hotel in Northamptonshire where everyone was so warm and caring - a totally different atmosphere. Unfortunately retreats are on hold now for obvious reasons.  Yes I saw the song but haven't read/heard "Blues for David" yet.  I will though.

I'm sorry about your other losses, more layers to PTSD and constant covid news doesn't help either.

I'm glad you found this site - I first came here about 10 years ago, and yes, it's a good place to be.

I'll watch out for your writings.

Coral