Craven Gets Flashed V

“My tattoos used to be more glorious,” said Mildred. “When I wasn’t so wrinkled, and before these girls decided to head south. I have two dead husbands buried down there somewhere. One under each lady, if memory serves me. Here, I’ll lift them up and you can have a look. On the right is Dermott and on the left is Jerome. Good lord, they look worse than I remember. Don’t recall them looking quite so squishy; like shrunken heads at a circus sideshow.”

Betty couldn’t help but let out a squeal.

“I’m so sorry, Mildred.”

“Don’t be. Before the fall I had to look at those two idiots every time I stepped in front of a mirror. I like them better this way. It’s how I always liked my men: hot and in the dark. The other tattoos have a story as well. As you can see I like flowers. They represent what was going on in my life at the time. The wilted flowers were the bad times and the blossoming ones were all the good days. And, as you can see, I seem to blossom more than I wither. Maybe that’s why I’m not dead yet. Too many blooming roses around my butt. They won’t let me rest.”

Betty just about fell off her chair laughing as Jenny entered the front room.

“What’s all the laughing about?” she said. “I thought this was supposed to be a wake.”

“I’m having too much fun talking to Betty. Put me down for an after-midnight send-off later in the week. I can’t see dying in the middle of the day like this. Such a waste of good sunlight and conversation, and not as dramatic. Besides, any grim reaper worth his salt wouldn’t be caught dead ringing doorbells before dusk. And if those quacks of mine haven’t signed a death certificate by than, I’m going for a walk in the park. Maybe I’ll get hit by a cross-town bus and you can take some graphic photos of me wrapped around a bus tire. I’ll even smile if I’m up to it. Then you’ll finally get your dream of a Daily News front page photo exclusive. It’s the least I can do for you, dear. You’ve been very patient with me. I’m glad you’re finally here.”

“Sorry, Aunt Mildred.  I was in the toilet developing film. I got a couple of real dandies.”

“That’s nice, but let’s not forget our manners. Say hello to Betty. She’s doing my makeup and after she helps get me dressed we’re going for a walk around the apartment. I need to get my circulation in order before I think about venturing outside.”

“Outside?” Said Jenny.”You haven’t been outside in a year. You sure you’re up to it?”

“As long as chilled martinis are still being served at Delaney’s, and Jimmy the bouncer is willing to carry me up a flight of stairs—and he doesn’t give me reason to slap him—I think I can manage a little outing. Now say hello to Betty.”

“Hello, Betty. Sorry to keep you waiting. You were early, we didn’t expect anyone till this afternoon.”

“Hello, Jenny. I’m not from the funeral parlor. I’m Betty Feltcher from across the avenue. Craven Danger’s former assistant and his new investigating partner.”

“Oh. Funny, he didn’t mention anything about a partner.”

“It’s a surprise. I was saving it up for a special occasion. Surprise!”

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