Making Plans...for Archibald (Part 1)

Josiah Oakwood hummed as he strolled down the corridor toward his office.  The last hour, spent happily polishing some of the company’s fleet of vehicles, had put him in a cheerful and calm state of mind.  He found polishing such a therapeutic exercise that he tried to find time in each busy week to devote to the pursuit.  His pleasant mood was, however, abruptly interrupted by an unusual sound coming from the direction of his office.  Someone was talking.

He approached the office door with caution.  Why would the sound of conversation be creeping from his office, when he was not present?  A moment later, as he opened the door, gingerly, the true horror of the situation struck him.  Archibald had answered the telephone!

Josiah stood, in the doorway, frozen to the spot, unable to immediately comprehend the scene before him.  There was Archibald, all ill-fitting suit and untidy limbs, standing behind Josiah’s desk, talking on the telephone.  On seeing his employer in the doorway, he nodded to him, amiably, whilst continuing with his conversation, which went like this:

“Oh yeah, we’ve got loads [much nodding of head]…well, you have to have, don’t you?...me? I’m Archibald…Thurble…eh? No, not like what a cat sicks up, hur, hur, hur…no, it’s T…no, not B, T!...Alright, well, it’s ‘T’ for erm, ‘two’, then ‘H’ for, oh I dunno, ‘help’? Then ‘U’ for erm, ‘me’, ‘R’ for…eh? No, not Arthur!  I was spelling it for you, wasn’t I?...Eh?...Well, no, there isn’t another one I suppose, so yeah, alright.  Alright then…tara a bit!”  He put the receiver down with a look of quiet satisfaction.

Josiah stared at him for what seemed like an age.  Eventually, he managed:

“What was that all about, Archibald?”

“Just answering your ‘phone, Mr. O.”  Archibald answered, breezily.

“Why, erm…why would you do that Archibald?”  Josiah was desperately trying to control his temper.

“Well, I was in here any road, ‘cause I brought your afternoon tea in, and the ‘phone was ringing, so I answered it” He beamed at his employer.

“But…but…you never do that!” Josiah said, plaintively, “if there’s one thing I can count on, in this miserable existence we call life, it is that you, Archibald Thurble, will never answer a ringing telephone!”

“First time for everything, isn’t there?” Archibald grinned, broadly.

“Why now?  Why me?” Josiah asked, as much to himself as anyone, and shook his head, despondently.

“Thought I’d use that ‘inishyer…’ thing you’re always on about” Archibald explained.

“Initiative?  You chose this moment to show some initiative?”

“That’s it!” Archibald nodded, vigorously.

“But it has a voicemail facility” Josiah said, miserably, “there was no need for you to answer it”

“Just doing my bit, Mr. O.” Archibald grinned, “no need to thank me”

“Thanking you was the furthest thing from my mind!” Josiah snapped, “may I be so bold as to enquire who was calling?”

“Oh yeah, hang on a minute” Archibald picked up a notepad and peered at it, owlishly, “I think it was summat like…well, I’ve put ‘FCA’ down here but that can’t be right, can it?  Don’t sound like anyone’s name, does it?”

“The ‘FCA’?” Josiah asked, hollowly, and sank into the guest chair normally occupied by Archibald on his frequent visits to the office, “did you say, the ‘FCA’?”

“Well, that’s what I’ve put here, but I’m not sure that’s right” Archibald sucked his note-taking pencil and looked thoughtful.

“Did this person from, let us assume for the sake of argument, the FCA, give any indication of the purpose of his or her call?” Josiah had his head in his hands now.

“Oh yeah!” Archibald responded, enthusiastically, “he asked if we’d got any funeral plans”

“And how did you respond to that enquiry?” Josiah asked from the sanctuary of his cupped hands.

“Well, that’s what I was saying when you first came in” Archibald explained, “I told him we had loads, on account of we’re always doing funerals and such, aren’t we?”

There was an audible groan from the guest chair.

“Then he asked me for my name, and that all got a bit muddled” Archibald continued, patiently, ignoring the groan, “but, any road, he said were there any more Archibalds working here and I said ‘no’, so he said he’d know who to ask for when he called round like”

“The man from the FCA is going to call round?” Josiah asked, feebly.

“Yeah, that’s about the size of it” Archibald nodded, furiously.

“Oh joy!” Josiah responded in a voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Glad to be of help” Archibald beamed and made his way back to his normal side of the desk.  Josiah took the opportunity to scuttle to the relative sanctuary of his office chair.

“Have you any idea, Archibald” He asked, eventually, steepling his fingers in a way that always spelt trouble for Archibald, “who the FCA are?”

“Not a clue, Mr. O.” Archibald responded, brightly, sprawling himself in his usual place.

“The FCA, Archibald, are the Financial Conduct Authority”

“Oh, right” Archibald looked at him, blankly.

“Amongst the many duties that befall that Authority, in recent times anyway, is the regulation of the sale and management of funeral plans.  By ‘funeral plans’, in this instance, I mean the sale of funeral services by means of pre-payment on the part of the individual who will, doubtless, be requiring those services at some point in the future, do you understand me, Archibald?”

“Yeah, I think I get it” Archibald nodded, cautiously, “only you don’t do them, do you, Mr. O.?”

“That is indeed the nub and the gist of it, Archibald” Josiah nodded, wearily, “I do not, as you put it, ‘do them’ and, one of the principal reasons that I do not ‘do them’ is that I have no desire to fall within the regulatory ambit of the Financial Conduct Authority.  I, therefore, regularly submit forms to that Authority specifying that this business does not conduct the sale or management of funeral plans”

“Yep” Archibald confirmed.

“And yet you, Archibald, you have just seen fit to advise a gentleman from that Authority that we have, as you put it, ‘got loads’” Josiah slumped in his chair and rubbed his forehead, furiously.

“Oh ar, but I didn’t mean like that” Archibald explained, “he asked if we’d got any funeral plans and I said we’d got loads ‘cause we’re planning funerals all day, every day, aren’t we?”

“I fear, Archibald, that you and he were approaching this conversation from two entirely different premises”

“Well, yeah, Mr. O.” Archibald agreed, “’cause he was where he was, and I was here”

TO BE CONTINUED