The Dream Tax

 

Dora held her phone a foot or so away from her eyes and squinted while she waited for the text to become less blurry. ‘Oh,’ she exclaimed, ‘I’ve just an alert for an unexpected life tax,’ 

 

‘Another one, what’s it for this time?’

 

‘Wait a minute, what does it say…..six pounds forty for a lucid dream on Wednesday the twenty fourth of November, duration, ninety three seconds.’

 

Paul gently lifted the cat off his lap and onto a nearby cushion. He stood up and walked over to Dora who was seated at the table. Leaning over her shoulder, he tutted and said, ‘A lucid dream? I didn’t think you could have those anymore, you said you’d lost the ability, that you were too old and all the files in your head were too full up for that sort of thing.’

 

‘Yes I did and they are but…..thinking about it now, I reckon I did have a lucid dream or something like it.’

 

‘Well,’ Paul snapped, walking away now, back to the sofa to scoop up the cat again to warm his lap. ‘You need to stop thinking wild thoughts Dora, keep your mind in line, we can’t afford all these life taxes, they add up.’

 

‘It felt much longer than ninety three seconds, that dream, I remember now, it started off normal, just normal things, then I had to go to the toilet…’

 

‘Oh no,’ Paul looked down at the cat, ‘Cranford, it’s the saloon doors again!’ The mound of black and white fluff looked up and blinked. He chuckled and stroked its long fur so that the coat lay flat and neat, then he blew several hairs off the palm of his sweaty hand so that they floated slowly down through the sunlit room.

 

‘That must have been when it became lucid. I was in Wilkos buying cat food,’

 

‘Course you were!’ Paul rolled his eyes. ‘It’s cheaper than heating the house, cat food, we need to get our names down for another cat Dora, then you can have one too and we don’t have to turn on the heating.’

 

‘We have got our names down but there’s a waiting list, I told you.’ Dora sighed heavily, ‘Back to the dream, I was in Wilkos buying cat food and I really needed the toilet, there’s some public toilets in the Crawdale Centre and they’re nice ones too, I mean, in real life, they’re nice, always smell of lemon. Anyway, I went in and there was a long queue see, well I waited until a cubicle became available but it was one with those with the saloon doors so I was reluctant to go forth but everyone stared at me and gestured, “Go on, go on!” they said, so I had to go in. Then the doors got narrower and narrower.’

 

‘Ha! It’s always the same Dora, you need to change what you eat before bed, stop eating those chilli coated chrysalises, just have a digestive like me.’

 

 

‘I can’t have digestives, wheat flour bloats me, Paul, I’ve told you that so many times now. And those Hot Chrystles are high protein, they’re better for my figure.’

 

‘Hot Chrystles,’ he shook his head, ‘expensive. Carry on..’

 

‘As soon as I got in the cubicle, I thought, I can’t go, not when I could see the queue of people all watching me, their heads above and their legs below the doors, which by the way, were barely covering my bits so then this wave of awareness came over me and I thought, I’ve been here before, hang on a minute, I’m dreaming.’

 

‘So it was a lucid dream?’

 

‘Yes because after that I knew I could do whatever I wanted so I teleported to the Grosvenor Hotel because the toilets are even better there but when I went in, there was a leopard, a proper big cat, just sitting by the sinks.’

 

‘A leopard?’

 

‘Yes, but I told myself, it’s okay Dora, it’s a lucid dream you can negotiate with it but by then some adrenaline had been released and I woke up and guess what?’

 

‘What?’

 

‘I actually was desperate for the toilet.’

 

‘Oh dear. But it’s a genuine tax then, they’re not trying it on.’

 

‘I think it must be. I must have had an unusual peak on my brainwave monitor.’

 

‘You must have. Look next time you have that dream, even if you think you can feel that you’re becoming lucid, just toe the line, pee behind the saloon doors and if people can see your bits, well so what! Is it really worth six quid to take control of your dreams? Just stay within the parameters, Dora.’

 

‘I will try to but I really hate that dream.’ 

 

‘I know. I’ve got an idea, maybe you could write down the dream but with a different ending, ie, the toilet doors are actually solid or they become proper doors after you enter the cubicle…or the people standing in the queue just disappear.’

 

‘Mmmm, it’s a nice thought but at the end of the day, it’s an idea isn’t it Paul so I’m expecting to get a tax bill for that now.’ 

 

Paul nodded his head slowly, ‘Oh, shit yes, sorry, I really need to stop having ideas. Oh well, it was just the one and it wasn’t that great an idea, it won’t be much…couple of quid maybe.’

 

‘Oooh it’s getting chilly in here,’ Dora crossed her arms and rubbed her shoulders.

 

‘Hey do you want Cranford for a bit? Here you are,’ He stood up slowly, holding his hands under the cat and carefully placed it onto Dora's lap.