Planet Secret Santa

 

‘Well I know who this is from because it’s not wrapped up!’

 

‘Oh, looks posh,’ said Mercury, ‘what exactly is that?’

 

‘It’s face powder,’ said Mars.

 

‘But why is it green?’

 

’It’s for my redness, my hot flushes, to calm down my complexion, apparently it works well.’

 

Mars looked over at Saturn and smiled. ‘Thank you, you know me too well.’

 

‘Sorry it’s not wrapped up. It’s just really hard for me keeping all these hoops up. If I try to do anything else, I lose concentration, stop gyrating properly and they slip down.’ The other planets all laughed. ‘Hey Venus,’ Saturn continued, ‘what did you get?’

 

‘A diary for my love poems and some new sunglasses. Thank you, whoever got them, they’ll both be put to good use.’

 

‘It’s worse for me,’ said Earth, ‘I’m right next to it and I’m getting hotter and hotter.’

 

‘Well you know we’ve all got differing opinions on that, Earth,’ said Mercury, ‘so we’re not going to get into it, not at Christmas.’

 

Jupiter let out a sigh and announced, ‘Well to whichever one of you got me this anti-aging cream, I thank you. It’s a bit late for me but nevertheless, I’ll give it a try.’

 

‘Pardon?’ said Neptune.

 

‘I said, I’ll give it a try!’

 

‘What?’

 

‘This anti-aging cream!’ Oh why are you always so far away?’

 

‘Not my fault, Jupiter…Hey thanks for mine, whoever got it.’

 

‘What was it?’

 

‘Pardon me, Venus?’

 

‘What was it, Neptune, your gift?’

 

‘Some long johns. I’ve got them on actually. They’re not all that flattering but I feel a little bit warmer.’

 

‘That was me,’ said Mercury, ‘and thanks for my new phone by the way. It’s ace.’

 

Earth looked intrigued. ‘Have you used it yet?’

 

‘Yes I communicated with the gods early this morning.’

 

‘And how are they?’ said Mars.

 

‘Oh you know, they’re trying to find new ways to reach their audiences. It’s difficult these days, there’s just so much noise.’

 

‘So has everyone opened their gifts now?’ said Venus.

 

‘I’m just opening mine now,’ said Uranus, ‘eurgh,’ he sighed, ‘not again!’

 

‘What is it, mate?’ said Saturn.

 

‘Ha ha,’ he laughed sarcastically, ‘thanks whoever got me this Pile Cream. That joke never gets old does it.’’

 

‘You could always rub it on a black hole,’ said Jupiter. The other planets laughed for several seconds then the laughter fizzled out but Saturn began laughing again and they all joined in for another round of hysterics.

 

‘I think we had that joke last year didn’t we,’ said Earth after order was restored, ‘I asked for world peace but instead I got a load more satellites.’

 

‘They’re not from us,’ said Jupiter, ‘they’ll be from Elon. We got you some counseling sessions but we’re not sure who’s doing them yet. I think the sun offered but it’s going through its stormy phase at the moment.

 

‘Earth rolled its eyes then sniffed the air. ‘Is that you again, Neptune?’

 

‘No! I think it was the other gas giant, Saturn.’

 

‘Wasn’t me, not this time.’

 

‘Okay. I’m so sorry, I admit it but I’m just so gassy all the time, can’t help it. 

 

Suddenly there was a scraping sound and Pluto appeared, out of breath but excited.

 

‘Oh mate, you’re here,’ said Mercury, ‘so good to see you again.’

 

‘It’s good to be here. It’s not fun being demoted, I can tell you,’

 

Venus blushed slightly for she had a massive crush on Pluto. ‘How’s your appeal going?’ she said.

 

‘Haven’t heard anything. The boffins have too much power, there’s not much I can do. Anyway somebody got me these stilts so for now, nobody can call me a dwarf, at least not for now…and thank you, to whoever got them. It was very thoughtful. Although it probably won’t help me in the long term.’

 

‘I could WhatsApp the gods about it again,’ said Mercury, ‘see if they can intervene in a divine manner and have your planet status reinstated.’.

 

‘Thank you,’ said Pluto quietly.

 

‘We’re all so sorry and we miss you,’ said Saturn, ‘Hey you’re staying for Christmas dinner aren’t you?’

 

‘Oh yes, I wouldn’t miss that.’

 

‘Somebody might need to help me cut up my turkey again, only my rings keep slipping down and all my little moons are complaining about it.’

 

‘I’ll help,’ said Venus.

 

‘Well I just want to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy Christmas,’ boomed Neptune, ‘to the oldest of friends.’

 

‘To the oldest of friends!’ the others called out.

 

‘Ah! Oh no!’ Pluto called out, ‘I’ve lost one of my stilts!’

 

Venus grasped ‘Oh no! Which direction did it go in?’

 

‘Up.’

 

‘You’ll just have to balance on one,’ said Mars. ‘Crikey I’m hot again, no gravy for me but I'll have some bread sauce.’