3 Gemma

the call came, Jimmy sounded the Martha alarm, the troops assembled

Sasha’s bag packed, safely deposited to her dad in Hove,

fridge stocked, Jimmy on patrol

    Martha, on her sofa, facing away from the room, her tiny body stretched out to its five foot max

    Gemma, hands on hips, surveying the scene, running her mind over all the possibilities, making sure that everything is covered, project managing her friend’s slide into another dimension

    she wants to get out of here, feels bad for rushing off, it is her lunch break, needs to eat, no drinking today, clear head, meeting Brenda later

    they barely speak, only if Gemma needs a few quid, which she does, going to make up a story about something, just wants to go on holiday

    Tenerife

    or something

Martha got the money from her mum, probably made something up too, a school trip for Sash, that’s her favourite one

    the thought of begging to Brenda makes her feel dizzy, sits down on the arm of the chair that Jimmy is sat in, puts her hand on his shoulder, she can feel his strength move up her arm

    do you think it’s gonna be a bad one, Jim?

the inevitable shrug

what does she do when she’s like this? does she just sleep?

    Jimmy stirs slightly, the whole chair moves

it depends, yeah she sleeps a lot, she talks too, like just stuff, I don’t take it too seriously, she does drawings sometimes

    drawings? I didn’t think she'd drawn anything for years?

        yeah, I gather them up and Sash keeps them somewhere secret    

            why?

                she thinks they might upset her or something

Gemma nods, doesn’t really understand, what could she be drawing that is so horrific it has to be hidden from her? no time for wondering, need to get back to work, pats Jimmy on the shoulder, good luck big man

    text me if you need anything babe, ok?

Jimmy nods, he won’t need anything, he’s got this

 

    ______________________________________________________

 

she slides back into work, manages to not catch anyone’s eye, just leave me the fuck alone, sits in the corridor in what passes for a staff kitchen, the microwave hasn’t been cleaned for years, smells like every shitty meal that has been troughed down in here

distant curry, sugary spag bol, last night’s chow mein

wonders what Martha is doing now, sleeping still perhaps, wild dreams, talking rubbish to Jimmy, drawing

    the drawing thing bugs her, what is she drawing? 

she had started off illustrating, for magazines, fashion stuff, did ok for a while, before she started to fall apart, wonders what Sasha is doing with them, will she show them to her one day, my hands are shaking, for fucks sake, what is wrong with me today

    goes to the toilet, reaches up behind the cistern, pulls out a blister pack of pills, like Al Pacino with the gun in The Godfather,

    Tramodol, Class C, synthetic opiate, floats you away to a place beyond, just one pill, it’ll keep me going, I’d be out on my arse if anyone knew I had these, that I nicked them, had to change a few number sin the books, the rest of them are too dumb to even notice, even the pharmacists

    the pill sits on her tongue for a moment, lets her mouth fill with saliva, swishes it around, swallows hard

    yeah, it’s gonna be ok

 

    ____________________________________________________________

 

the pharmacy is busy, people sit slumped on the plastic seats, their spirits rising up out of their bodies, eyes moist and saddened, unnecessary layers of clothes hang from their broken beings, they cough, in turn, like they are following an unseen conductor, death sits and smiles at them all

    excuse me

Gemma jolts her whole self at the words, fucking hell, where did he come from, she tilts her head enquiringly, what does he want, man, late fifties, decent amount of hair I suppose, nice jacket, can’t smell him, that’s always a bonus in here, smiles at the man, I mean I might as well

    I was after some of that heartburn liquid, Gaviscon isn’t it?

she reaches out a hand to the shelf behind her and produces a bottle

    take this, cheaper than Gaviscon and is the same stuff really

man takes the bottle, squints at the label, looks at her, smiles, he’s got decent teeth, she smiles too, fuck, where did that come from

    just this then?

    yes, yes, thank you

    heartburn is horrible, ain’t it? I get it sometimes, keeps me up all night

he nods, smiles, nods, smiles, is he a bit thick this one, wonder who he is, not one of the usual crowd of deathly spirits, taps his card on the machine, brandishes the bottle, smiles, leaves

    oi, catherine, that fella, have you seen him before?

she has, not in here though, he has an art gallery up the road, poncey little place, never anyone in there, dunno how he makes money, like catherine knows anything about art, like she knows anything about anything

    what’s his name, Martin? hmm

a frail old man opens the door to the pharmacy, edging towards the counter, Gemma spins away, that’s enough customer interaction for one day

    back to the cubicle, hand behind the cistern once more, I want to be somewhere else

wonders where Martha is, her head somewhere else, her wee body convulsing, pain that needs to leak out

    pill on tongue again, swallow

 

    ____________________________________________________________

 

rolling a fag whilst staring at the clock, still 3 hours to go, time stood still, head floaty, eyes blurring all around her, drops the cigarette on the table, picks up a prescription to process, the words spin round, hover off the page, fuck me, two pills is too much, stick to one you dick

better not feel like this when I see Brenda, wanted to take the edge off, took off the back and sides too, might need a dirty caffeine drink, need a boost    , get me over the line

thinks what to tell her, can’t say yeah me and my mates want to go to Tenerife, that won’t fly, fuck knows, too many lies in her head, it’s only £300, she’s got it, I haven’t, simple

she’ll make me beg, won’t you Brenda, I’ll have to just take it, suck it the fuck up

text from Jimmy

14:07: she’s awake, eating a sandwich, hasn’t said much.

snaps her back to reality, head clearing, Martha oh Martha, I nearly forgot about you, I wish I had a sandwich, haven’t eaten today, fancy a pasty, replies to the message

    14:09: poor love, how does she seem xx

    14:10: not great, I mean not worse than usual at these times. she’s drinking a cider now, so she’s still in there somewhere

    14:11: that’s my girl xx

picks the cigarette up off the table, pops it into her mouth, wants to light it, smoke indoors like the good old days, watch everyone choking, coughing, her laughing

    outside

grey skies, wind sends a crisp packet flying past her, love living by the sea, hate the fucking wind here, cigarette almost impossible to smoke, a sickness rises up in her throat

    I forgot about Jimmy

how’s he doing?