The Cat on the Mat

The Cat on the Mat

"Look Gina, I've got it," said Leonard.

Virginia placed her pen down carefully on a piece of cold toast and
looked up from the kitchen table. "What's that Leonard?"

Leonard looked pleased with himself, like a sprite that has discovered
it really does exist. He held out the object he was holding.

"It's a broom," he said. "You said you wanted a broom of your
own."

"Oh Leonard!" said Virginia. She stood up from the table, picked up
the piece of toast, and exited swiftly from the room.

"If you could sweep under the bed," shouted Leonard after his
departing wife, "that would be really rather nice." Then he added,
"Darling."

He heard the front door slam.

****

Later that night Virginia explained Leonard's mistake to him.

"So you didn't want a broom?" he said. "The house is rather
dusty."

"Oh Leonard!" said Virginia. She turned to face the wall. "What is
dust? Ashes to ashes? a handful of? what we will all will be, will be?
you know?"

"I love you Gina," said Leonard.

Virginia sighed.

"I luurrvvvee you," said Leonard. "I looooeeerrrrvvvveee you
Gina."

Eventually they both fell asleep.

****

The next day Leonard left early and came back around lunchtime. He
found his wife dancing in the parlour with the broom.

"So you do like it?" he said.

"I've decided to call it Nancy," said Virginia. "Nancy Broom." Then
she added, "After Nancy Mitford."

"Splendid," said Leonard. "Well, look, come outside. I've got you
another gift."

"Can't I have any peace?" said Virginia with tight lips.

"Come," said Leonard. "Bring the broom too."

****

"What is it?" said Virginia.

They were standing on the green in front of there house. In front of
them was a green oblong box-like structure about as big as a door on
all sides.

Leonard held up the piece of paper and carefully read out the words.
"It's called a portaloo," he said. "I thought it might be just the
thing."

"Oh Leonard," said Virginia and Leonard opened the door and they went
inside.

"I love it," said Virginia. "I can sit there." She pointed at the
toilet. "And I can lean on there." She pointed at the sink. "And if I
want I can look at myself in the mirror." She pointed at the mirror.
"All life is merely a reflection Leonard."

Leonard clapped his hands. His wife was clearly pleased.

"Now Leonard," said Virginia, "I want you to go and not to come back
for quite some time."

"Yes Gina."

"And close the door behind you."

****

Leonard was pacing in his front room. His wife had been in the portaloo
for three days and he was beginning to get worried. He phoned his agent
and upon advice decided to go out and investigate.

He knocked three times and there being no answer he bit the bullet and
opened the door.

Virginia was sitting on the toilet, the pen poised in her hand.

"I was worried," said Leonard.

"Darling," said Virginia, "I've got the first sentence."

"That's wonderful."

"Would you like to hear it?"

"I'd luurrrvvee to," said Leonard.

Virginia cleared her throat and read clearly from the paper in front
of her. Her voice was like honey mixed with molasses.

"The cat who sat on the mat was quite an autocrat but what I hear you
ask what about the bat? what about the bat?"

"Brilliant," said Leonard, "brilliant" and then he rushed back up the
stairs to their apartment. He had to phone the agent again. It seemed
that they had a crisis on their hands.