Surprise ending to the saga.

24th May 2004.

Well the Sooz-Rick saga has a fitting and poignant end.

Things progressed since Thursday when we split up. Quick re-cap. Friday
I was devastated, cried until I made myself ill. Saturday, I got angry.
I thought he was looking for another woman and felt insulted and let
down. It just didn't fit with the sweet, gentle man I thought I
knew.

Saturday night I was talking to a mate on MSN and Rick was online for
hours. He didn't speak and neither did I. At about 2 am he made some
comment about not being able to sleep. We talked a bit and got nowhere,
so it was actually me who suggested coming offline and talking on the
phone. He wasn't making a lot of sense.

We talked most of the night. This is a basic summary of some of the
things he said.

I love you.
I'm miserable without you.
I haven't been looking for other women, mostly I've just been sitting
in front of the screen watching you online and wondering if you were
talking to other men.

(I told him I was.)

My heart tells me to just come and get you and Mark and bring you home
to live with me.

If you and Viv were in a room and I had to pick one of you it would be
you with no hesitation.

(I'd be like a fish out of water in his house with it's multitude of
bedrooms, three stall stable block and water bed. I got lost every time
I went to the loo.)

I love you, I love you. I love you.

I asked him what he was saying exactly. He still wasn't making a lot of
sense. So I asked him outright if he wanted me, really truly wanted me.
He said no. He told me he didn't want anybody and that he needed to
sort himself out on his own. I didn't feel much of anything. I think
I'd blown my emotion fuses. He started to cry. I don't think Rick's the
type of bloke to cry at the drop of a hat. I didn't cry, don't think I
had any tears left. But, I was shaking so violently that I could barely
hold the phone. I couldn't stand hearing him so upset and badly wanted
to say something to comfort him. He said he loves me. He said that I'm
the only person he's ever been able to really talk to. I stopped just
short of asking him to come back to me. I don't understand his
thinking.

He once told me that together we could conquer the world. He said that
we were strong enough to face anything. Words? Just words? I keep
coming back to the same point, if two people truly care about and love
each other then anything can be saved and sorted out. That's my firm
belief. He stubbornly said that he had to go with his head and not his
heart and that there was nothing left for us.

I thought about it throughout Sunday. I decided that I wasn't going to
let him go without a fight. He said he loved me and that to me is
something worth having. I wanted to do something romantic, something a
bit risky. Something that shows him I was prepared to take risks for
him. I sent him an email and left a phone message.

. I'm going to relive some memories when I finish work tonight. You
know where.

I will get there for ten and stay long enough to drink one cup of
coffee. I am perfectly happy with my own company and either way will
leave smiling and content.

I need you to promise that you will not come if you feel even the
slightest twinge of pressure. This isn't about pressure.

You must not come if you do it for me and not yourself.

You must not come if it means inconveniencing the kids.

If you get my message and your heart feels happy or excited, without
any guilt or pressure ... then the rest is up to you.

Don't contact me before hand please with either a yes or no. Just leave
it to the moment.

The night I met Rick was one of the most romantic and magic nights of
my life. We were talking on the internet at midnight one Saturday
night, both of us home alone. He asked me to meet him at Forton
Services.

The moment I saw him I knew that I wanted him. I couldn't believe that
this gorgeous man might want me too. He's probably not that good
looking, pretty average, I suppose, but to me he looked fantastic. I
already knew I like him the person because we'd been talking on the
phone for weeks. We talked until dawn and it was perfect.

I didn't have to tell him where I'd be that was 'our place'.

In between calls yesterday I spent ages getting ready and I looked
better than I've looked for the last ten years or so. Sometimes it's
nice to go somewhere looking as though you haven't made an effort.
Other times it's good to look as though you have. I wanted him to know
that I'd put myself out for him. I did my last three calls dressed up
like a dog's dinner in high heels and make-up.

By the time I set off for Forton I was in a bit of a state. Last time I
wasn't nervous at all. I knew that whatever happened we were going to
be mates. My only worry was that he'd have a last minute change of
heart and I'd be sitting there, like a fool, on my own. We were meeting
up for a coffee as mates and I didn't expect anything else. This time I
didn't know what the hell was going to happen. Would he turn up? I
didn't know, but if I'd had to lay money on it, I'd have said that he
would. I hadn't heard anything from him and I figured that, despite
asking him not to, if he wasn't going to come he'd have let me know.
What if he did come and only wanted to hammer home the rejection? That
was my biggest worry. I'd have hated that. Forton was our special
place, it would have been spoiled if he came and it turned nasty.

When I got there he wasn't watching cars arrive from the bridge like
the time before. That wasn't a good sign, but I was early so it didn't
mean anything. I brushed my hair and got out of the car. He wasn't in
the foyer to meet me either. I wasn't worried. I went to the caf? and
ordered two cups of coffee, the same as last time. It came in identical
mugs to the last time. I sat in 'our place' like before. I wanted to
have a coffee ready for him because I wanted him to know, when he
walked through the door, that I had faith in him.

This is where the story takes on meaning. I don't understand what
happened to me last night and this is where it started. People began to
look at me. A woman, dressed up, sitting alone in the service station
at night. I wondered if people thought I was a prostitute. It amused
me. People were looking, it wasn't paranoia. I stuck out like a sore
thumb. The middle aged, very respectable, couple at the next table were
talking in hushed voices and glancing over at me. I guessed they were
wondering what I was doing there alone. I had an overwhelming urge to
go over and tell them that on the 29th February I met my boyfriend
there. That we'd broken up on Friday and that I'd asked him to meet me
as one last go at getting him back. Of course, I didn't.

I was looking at the escalator. Every time the top of a dark haired
person's head came into view my heart did a great lurch. As it got
closer to ten o clock I began to feel sick, horribly, physically sick.
The toilets were downstairs and I hoped that I wasn't going to have to
make a dash for them. I know it sounds melodramatic but, I felt as
though my whole future rested on the next few minutes.

Ten o clock came.

Rick is punctual. I knew that he wasn't going to come.

There was not the slightest doubt in my mind that he'd been held up in
traffic and would come flying up the stairs any second looking harassed
with his hair messed up. I just *knew* he wasn't coming.

I'd played this moment in my mind of course, in the car; all day in
fact, I should have been devastated. I'd been worried that I might
break down in tears and make even more of a fool of myself.

There wasn't any of that. I felt a tremendous calm settle over me. I
smiled and looked around for the last time. I re-lived a few memories,
finished my coffee and crossed over to the other side of the room, the
smoking section, and had a cigarette. People were still looking at me,
more so now. I should have felt humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed. I
didn't feel any of that. I just felt calm and serene. I didn't feel
angry with Rick. Best of all I didn't feel bitter or resentful. It was
as though I'd come full circle. The fist time I went not knowing what
to expect. This time I left knowing that I'd put a full stop on the end
of the sentence. I know this sounds stupid and romantically sickening,
but it *was* beautiful.

I have never come out of a relationship and felt okay about it or
myself. Always before, it's been a case of, "What did I do wrong? Am I
that ugly and unattractive, that unintelligent?" I felt that if I'd
only been more loving, if I'd made lasagne instead of bolognaise, if
I'd bought green curtains instead of blue ones. If I'd just done
*something* different then, maybe he would have wanted me enough.

Suddenly, and it hit me at ten o clock last night, none of that
mattered. I didn't feel worthless or inadequate. I truly believe that
Rick has made a big mistake. Even that doesn't matter because it's not
about him anymore. What mattered is that I didn't feel bad about
myself.

I left at exactly half past ten. Two months ago, I'd probably have sat
until dawn waiting for him, knowing that he wasn't going to come, but
waiting anyway, just in case.

As I walked out, I caught sight of myself in a full length mirror. For
the FIRST TIME I didn't see a fat woman. I've lost another nine pounds
since Friday and it seems to have made a difference. I took a photo in
a denim skirt and camouflage top just last week. I was going to wear it
to go out with Rick, but wore it with Kez instead. I felt better even
then but was still fat. I AM still fat, but now I can see the slim
woman I'm becoming. I can truly believe that it is going to work, that
I'm not going to wake up one morning and find myself looking at a size
24 woman again. It was amazing that it happened just then. I walked out
of there and felt so strong. Not because of the way I looked but
because of the way I felt.

I know this is going to sound egotistical but I don't suppose there are
many women that would have done what I did last night. I feel that I
had made a mistake in finishing with Rick and I wanted him back. I gave
it my very best shot to get him back. It didn't work. I'm a firm
believer in fate and it signified to me that it wasn't meant to be, but
I went out on a high. I think what I did took guts. It wasn't easy
going into that place alone and sitting waiting for him not knowing
what the outcome would be, but I did it and I felt powerful for it. It
proved to me that I'm not a mouse who will just let things slip by. I
took positive action to get what I wanted.

I drove home still feeling elated. The man I'm in love with won't take
a chance on me. But none of that matters because I've got a whole
future to see to. Maybe the next one will want to commit to me.
Tomorrow I will probably be fat bastard Sooz who always looks for the
why's and wherefores of why she wasn't good enough ? but today I feel
good.

Being with Rick and experiencing what we did, I know that I am ready
for a serious relationship.

All I wanted to do after leaving Forton was get home to Marty. He
wasn't here because he was staying with Mary, but I wanted to get back
near him.

As I put my key in the door the town hall clock was just chiming in a
new day. The house was dark and empty, but I was glad to be home. I've
never thought of this place as home before. It's just a place to live
until I move to the next place. It still is that, but for now, it's the
place I call home. Both Kali and Max came tearing down the stairs to
welcome me. Well, Kali did, Max just wanted to be fed, but it was
nice.

I'm looking forward to whatever tomorrow brings.