K Tim and Sue

Tim and Sue

Tim and Sue have invited me to dinner and I am standing in front of the
mirror deciding what to wear. The mirror is not much help as it is
small and situated at head height. I blame Sue. Not for the mirror. But
for other things.

I met Tim when I was seven. He was sitting at the back of the class, I
was sitting at the front. One day the teacher asked me to go and pin a
big sun on the Robinson Crusoe diorama we were making and the rest is
history.

Tim and I did a number of things together. We had made-up kung-fu
fights, we talked about Fame, we swapped Figurine Panini stickers, we
did our O and A Levels, university. Then Tim went away to find himself.
Only he didn't find himself, he found Sue. Sue was being sponsored by
an offshoot of Medicine sans Frontieres to work with a Vietnamese
butcher in Chiang Mai on hygiene issues. She thought it was all rather
'Ra'. She had been to public school and her mother was something big in
the UN.

I was supposed to be best man at the wedding but at the last moment
for reasons I have never fully understood I was replaced. Tim was
decent about it and in his own words, upgraded my accommodation quite a
number of stars. I wasn't that bothered. About the best man thing I
mean. It wasn't really me. And anyway I thought the hotel was great. I
had never stayed in a hotel before and during the three days I was
there I peed in the sink and emptied the mini-bar.

The wedding took place at a French ski resort whose name I couldn't
pronounce. Sue's mother arranged for a helicopter flyover and this
caused a scene with Sue's father who thought it was a waste of UN
resources. This was the time of the war in Bosnia. I kept out of the
whole thing. It seemed to typify for me exactly what being middle-class
was all about.

All this was a few years ago now but Tim and I still keep in touch.
Tim and Sue live in a big house with a double-garage and gnomes and I
live in this leaky flat above a Chinese takeaway. It is swings and
roundabouts. Not everybody's happiness comes in the same kind of
package.

Sometimes Tim and Sue invite me over to dinner, like tonight, and I
worry about what to wear. My clothes don't seem to fit into their
house. Maybe it is more than that. I don't know.

I stand on tiptoe and look down at myself. I decide this will have to
do. It is true that I haven't changed my underpants in a number of days
but it is not as if Sue is going to check and Tim just doesn't mention
things like that anymore.

I make sure my flies are securely done up and then I head out of the
door to the bus stop. I wait five minutes for the bus into town and
then another five minutes for the bus out to where Tim and Sue live.
The houses are all big out here and I know they would be bigger if they
could be.

I knock on the door and it is Tim who answers it.

"Hello," he says.

"Hello," I say and I hold up the wine.

"Lovely," he says and takes the bottle from me.

"Where's Sue?" I say.

"Come on in," he says and I know something is up.

Tim takes me through to the living-room and tells me to sit down. I do
and Tim goes out of the door that leads to the kitchen. I realise I
haven't taken my shoes off. From experience I know this will make Sue
mad so I go back out into the hallway. I put my shoes on the wooden
shoe-rack that Sue bought from a reconstituted wood store in Denmark
and I go back into the living-room. Tim is standing in the middle of
the floor with two glasses in his hands and he is staring out of the
window.

"Who else is coming tonight?" I say.

"What?" says Tim.

"For dinner?"

"Oh," says Tim. "It's just us tonight." And then he passes me my wine.
I take it and knock it back in one, a bad habit I have developed. I
want to ask Tim if by just us he means just me and him and Sue or just
me and him. I feel however, that this wouldn't be appropriate and so
instead I excuse myself and go into the kitchen and refill my glass.
When I come back Sue is there.

"Hello Sue," I say, "you are here then?"

Sue looks at Tim and then she looks back at me. "Where would I
be?"

"Tim was telling me that you're taking origami classes at
night-school," I say. "He says you fold paper beautifully."

This is supposed to be a joke but nobody laughs.

"It's play therapy," says Sue and then she says, "Wasn't somebody
getting me a drink?"

I wonder for a second if it was me and I look guiltily down at my
newly full glass of wine but then Tim quickly exits the room. Now it is
just me and Sue. Sue looks out of the window and I look out too. I see
that they have had their hedge cut into the shape of various kinds of
animals.

"We had them done for a barbecue," says Sue. "I'm not sure if it was a
success."

I don't know if she is referring to the hedges or the barbecue. I
often find that I am caught between two stools in my dealings with
Sue.

"It's just us tonight then?" I say.

"Yes," says Sue. "The three of us."

"I can't remember the last time the three of us were together."

"I can," says Sue and then Tim is coming back and he is passing the
glass of wine to Sue and another one to me so I now have two. One in
each hand.

"Hey up!" I say. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

I see Sue look at Tim. Tim says, "Are you hungry?"

"Starving."

"Tim has some news to tell you," says Sue.

"What?" I say. "What news?"

"We're having pizza," says Tim quickly. And then he looks at Sue.
"Aren't we Sue?"

Sue takes a drink of her wine. She drinks nearly all of it and the
passes the glass to Tim. "Could you refresh this one for me please
darling?"

"Pizza," I say. "What's the special occasion?"

"I'll be back in a minute," says Tim taking Sue's glass. "Don't do
anything I wouldn't do."

And then he is gone and it is just me and Sue again.

"So what's this news?" I say.

"Oh," says Sue and she does something with her eyes. "Tim is going to
tell you himself. I'm on my best behaviour tonight. I've promised
Tim."

"So Tim's on a promise, is he?" I say. It is another joke but again
Sue doesn't laugh and I am pleased to see Tim coming back. This time he
has a tray and on it are three glasses. Three glasses. Three of us. I
already have two.

"Are we all getting drunk?"

"I don't like the word drunk," says Sue.

"We used to get drunk all the time," says Tim. "Come on Sue, you
promised."

"I do know how to have fun," says Sue. "Remember that time in
Norwich?"

"Pinky had to go to hospital," says Tim.

"What happened?" I say.

"Pinky talks about it all the time," says Sue. "She says it was
fun."

The doorbell sounds.

"That'll be the pizza," says Tim.

"I'll get it," says Sue.

And then she is gone and Tim is coming over with the tray. I have a
glass in each hand and I wonder Tim expects me to put one of them on
the tray or to take another one off.

"What's going on, Tim?" I say. "What is this news?"

Tim shakes his head. "Did you see the England match? Owen was great
wasn't he?" He mimes kicking a ball and some of the wine slops out of
the glasses onto the tray he is holding.

"Is everything ok between you and Sue?"

"Fine," says Tim. "Fine."

"This pizza comes in boxes," says Sue, coming back into the room. "Are
you sure it's right?"

I try and suppress a laugh and then Tim is talking. "Oh come on Sue,
you did know pizzas came in boxes."

"I'm not totally, you know," says Sue. "But I thought you were calling
caterers."

"It's just us three," says Tim. "I told you about this evening. Just
like old times."

"Yes," says Sue, "the three of us."

"Just like old times."

"Shall I serve or will you?" says Tim.

"I'll do it," says Sue and she goes out of the door carrying the three
boxes.

"She is alright, isn't she?" I say.

"Yes Sue's fine," says Tim. "It's just that&;#8230;"

"What?" I say. "Tim, what is this news?"

"It's nothing," says Tim.

"That's not the impression I get from Sue."

"Well," says Tim, "you know Sue, don't you?"

"I've put it on plates," says Sue, coming back into the room. "We did
want it on plates, didn't we?"

"You look like a waitress Sue," says Tim.

Sue has one plate in one hand, one in the other, and one plate nestled
somewhere between her right elbow and her hip.

"Oh don't," she says, "wait til I tell the girls about this."

"That'll be funny," says Tim.

"Yes," says Sue. She looks around the room. "Pizza margarita for table
number twelve. Any sauce with that sir? Any sauce?"

"Oh Sue," says Tim.

"Any sauce," says Sue. She calls loudly to the side of the room and
moves her hips so one hip is higher than the other. "We've got sauce in
the kitchen table number twelve. Coming right up."

"Coming right up," says Tim. Tim puts his glass of wine down on the
table and starts to laugh. "Oh Sue don't."

"Coming right up for table number twelve," says Sue. "Hold you
horses."

"Hold your horses, honestly, I don't know where you get it."

"The waitress is in," says Sue.

She is walking around the room now. She stops by an armchair and bends
over it.

"What's that sir, you want more sauce too?" Sue straightens and twists
her head around and calls towards the kitchen. "Hey kitchen, we've got
a run on the sauce. I tell you what, just bring the whole goddam bottle
out."

"Sue," says Tim. "Sue."

Now they are both laughing. Tim is looking at Sue and Sue is looking
at Tim and they are both laughing.

And you know something, I never do find out that news. Well, not until
much later, and then it is too late.