FIRST AND LAST DATE

It was a spacious restaurant. But Dan felt claustrophobic sat opposite Maxine.
He watched her picking at her food, like his little sister did when she was six.

"You not hungry?" he probed.

Maxine pouted then gave a self-conscious laugh. "It's not about hunger. It's about weight."

"Your weight?"

"Mmmm."

"There's hardly anything to you!" Dan almost yelled. (He was suspicious his statement applied to her character, too.)

"A girl's got to keep watching her weight," said Maxine.

Dan swallowed a generous mouthful. "Has she?"

"Yes, she has."

"Why?"

"Because."

Dan puffed, "What kind of an explanation is because?!"

Maxine took a paltry mouthful. "I work out regularly."

Bet your brain doesn't; thought Dan.

Maxine said, "I was thinking about getting breast implants."

Dan nearly choked on his food.

"Do you think I should?" asked Maxine.

Now Dan had to look at her breasts. He didn't actually want to. But they looked fine to him. "I think you should do what you want to
do."

Maxine was not pleased with that answer. Dan had (deliberately) ignored the chance to pay her a compliment.

"Are you a breasts man, a leg man or a backside man?" enquired Maxine.

Dan was annoyed by this. "I'm just a bloody man."

Maxine was taken aback by his sudden (as she saw it) impoliteness.

Dan felt the urge to take the mick. "So, are you a dick, a cock or a knob woman?"

Maxine stopped. "Aren't they the same thing?"

Dan despaired. "You seem like a bit of a knob woman to me."

Maxine wrongly took it as a compliment and smiled smugly. "Have you tried Viagra?"

"Did I say I need to?"

"Ooh," Maxine wriggled, "That's good to know."

Dan thought; What?!

"You're good in bed then?" asked Maxine.

Dan was irritated. "Does an erection automatically mean a man is good in bed, as you put it?" He gulped his drink and half-slammed the glass back down. "I don't like it in bed, anyway. Far too bloody boring for me. I like it in the middle of a road, so I can stop traffic while
everybody takes bloody pictures of me. Oh yes, far too exciting for the bed, me. I'd set the sheets alight if I did it in bed."

"Really?" laughed Maxine.

Dan wanted to push her head in. But instead he got up from the table and pushed his chair in.

"Are we going?" asked Maxine.

"No," said Dan, "I'm going."

"Damn," said Maxine, clunking her fork down. "I've broken a nail."

"Well, it's a safe bet," said Dan, "That you won't be breaking any hearts."