That’s Death

The Reverend Noel Houghton was a vicar for 60 years. He never really retired, even in his 80s he still assisted with the running of the church. One day he died. An angel looked at the ID card he was carrying in his wallet and said, ‘Excuse me Sir, you were never born again.’ He replied,
‘I don’t need to be born again. You can’t send me to Hell, I’m the vicar.’ The angel looked at the ID card again.
‘Excuse me Sir, you were only baptised as a baby.’
‘I was confirmed, doesn’t that mean something?’
‘You worshipped me with your mouth but your heart was far from me.’
‘I had some good friends in that church,’ said the Reverend, ‘I led a good life there. Why are you being so negative?’
‘Only God is good,’ said the angel. ‘You’re a sinner.’
‘I stole money from the collection plate, but wasn’t it mine anyway? I swore at the rugby match sometimes but apart from that I was fine.’ The Reverent Noel Houghton was very surprised when the angel told him to go to Hell.

This program has received many complaints from people who were very shocked to find themselves condemned to an eternity of painful torment even though they thought they were good moral people. Mr. Steve Jones said,
“I used to go out drinking with my mates and we had fights, but we were all best of friends the next day. I wasn’t like the terrible gangs you have today. I never stabbed anyone. I thought the good deeds, like going to church 3 times a year and giving money every month to the Ethiopia fund, would outweigh the sin of being a violent drunken yob. I was very surprised when I walked up to Jesus after I died and he said, ‘Depart from me, I never knew you.”

We spoke to one of the angels. He said, ”We can easily think we’re good moral people because we simply live up to our own standards. Any time we have a guilty conscience, it’s easy to lower our standards slightly and then we won’t feel guilty anymore.” But wasn’t it possible for some people to be more Christian than others? The angel said, “In any group of people you will find some people who think they are morally superior to anyone else. Even in a prison, there are prisoners who look down on the sex offenders. It just depends who you are comparing yourself to.”

Raymond Wilson was horrified when he could see the boys who used to stand drinking on the street corner, terrifying his disabled mother, sitting down with Abraham, Moses and Jesus in Heaven while he was in Hell. He complained to an angel, “I am a good law abiding citizen. I am in Hell, and those drunken yobs, who terrorised my elderly mother, are in Heaven.” The angel asked him,
“Are you law abiding?” Mr. Wilson said,
“I’ve never murdered anyone.”
“Have you ever thought about it?”
“When those boys grabbed a hold of my mother and pushed her backwards into a hedge, at that moment I just wanted to take a big powerful gun and shoot the lot of them.”
“It’s just as well you didn’t have one, then. The fact that you’ve never murdered anyone is simply lack of opportunity.”
“When those boys pushed my elderly mother into the hedge she fell over, and might have broken her hip. Why are they in Heaven?”
“They repented of their sins and gave their lives to Jesus. If you had given your life to Jesus, you would be in Heaven too.”

Gary Smith asked for a T shirt and some thinner trousers. He had died in his warm winter clothing, and it was becoming unbearably warm in Hell. He was told by one of the angels that a mighty chasm had been fixed between Hell and the rest of the universe, and that British Home Stores was on the other side of this chasm. He said, “Send me a T shirt and a pair of thin, summer trousers by air mail.” The angel explained that aeroplanes couldn’t fly in Hell.

The Right Honourable Steven Fox was a strong socialist MP who cared about his community. When he died, he was asked what should be done with Mrs. Thatcher. He said that she should have a meat skewer forced into her body, while still alive, and be suspended over roaring flames for thousands of years. It was pointed out to him that Mrs. Thatcher had died as an old lady in a hotel room, hadn’t actually been Prime Minister for 22 years, and was just like any other old lady. As well as this, Britain was a democracy. People in Britain didn’t need to torture or kill politicians. Hadn’t Mrs. Thatcher’s government been voted out? He said that he still wanted her to be cruelly punished and could he have her suspended on a meat skewer and boiled in oil instead? He was asked if he thought that was a fair way of dealing with a political opponent. He said yes, if someone constantly votes against you in parliament and blocks you at every turn, they should be shown no pity but should be tortured throughout endless eons of torment. That is exactly how God should punish a determined political opponent. The Right Honourable Steven Fox was reminded of how many times he had voted against the bishops in the House of Lords. Whatever he wished for Mrs. Thatcher would be his punishment in Hell. God would show as much mercy to him as he would have shown to his enemies.

The moral of these stories is that when you read the Bible you should read the small print. Don’t be satisfied with just a superficial knowledge of the children’s Bible stories and assume that you’re a Christian because you’ve never been in prison. Read the small print. Do what the Bible says.

You must:

(A) Accept that you’re a sinner and that you couldn’t save yourself.

(B) Believe that Jesus died for your sins.

(C) Commit your life to Jesus and ask him to change you to be like him.