The Call Centre - Updated

The Call Centre  1398 words

Due to cutbacks this is an all purpose Call Centre

Cast: Four ladies but all the messages in red have been recorded by One Male voice.

This message only is played with the stage in darkness as over the sound system we hear:

Due to the high volume of calls you have been placed in a queue.  Your call is important to us so please be patient and an operative will be with you as soon as one becomes available.

When the lights go up we see the four Operatives doing everything but answer any calls.  One is doing her nails, one is doing her make up, one is plucking her eyebrows and the 1^st Operator is reading a magazine.

 

1^st Operator/Pat: (looking up) What rubbish shall we give them this morning?

2^nd Operator/Lesley: What about the Birdie song?  That usually gets them worked up.

3^rd Operator/Beryl:  Yeah, good idea.

Supervisor/Joan: Okay, one of you go and flick the switch?

1^st Operator/Pat:  I’ll go.

1^st Operator gets up and goes to the music player

Supervisor: Come on, girls we might as well have a little dance.

They all get up while 1^st Operator is walking to machine.

Please be patient all our operatives are busy at the moment.  In the meantime we leave you with this piece of music.

They play the Birdie song.

All the ladies present start doing the birdie dance.Supervisor:  That’s enough now, let’s catch our breath and then sort something else out.

They all go back to their places.

Supervisor: Anyone got any magazines?

1^st Operator:  I’ve got a horoscope magazine.

Supervisor: Sounds good.  What does it say about Pisces?

1^st Operator: You are in a very demanding work environment and this week your leadership skills will be tested to the limit.

Supervisor: My leadership skills are always being tested.

3^rd Operator:  Oh that is so true but luckily you run a tight ship.

2^nd Operator: Creep!

Supervisor:  It’s nearly time for another message. Let’s give them something else this time.  What have we got?

Ist Operator: What about The Gavotte?

Supervisor:  Sounds good to me.  Go and put it on and we’ll have another little dance.

They all get up ready for the dance.

We are experiencing heavy demand for our services so please bear with us and an operative will take your call as soon as one becomes available.  In the meantime we leave you with this piece of music.

Then all four ladies dance The Gavotte

Supervisor:  Okay enough now.  Back to your places…it’s time for their daily workout.

They all walk back and Supervisor pretends to flick switch on her desk for another message.

If you require assistance with a technical problem please press one.

If you wish to pay your bill please press two.

If you are experiencing difficulty pressing buttons please press three.

If you are deaf then please press four.  I said press four.  Are you deaf…oh, yes…you are! Then it’s no good pressing five for advice so best you write a letter.

If you are experiencing an emergency and require an operative please press six and wait for your call to be answered.

Supervisor:  What else have we got?

1st Operator: The Radetsky March.

Supervisor:  Okay.

2^nd Operator:  Oh I love a bit of Strauss.

1st Operator:  So you keep saying.

Supervisor:  No, no more music. Let’s just take a moment for quiet reflection.

3rd Operator:  Yes, I agree. 

1st Operator: Besides, if they like the Radetsky March as much as you do, Monica, they might just start ringing in just to hear the music.   

2^nd Operator:  Oh, I never thought of that.

Supervisor:  Yes, you would do well to remember actions have consequences.  Perhaps we should hear what the stars have got to say about our Monica?

Ist Operator: What sign are you, Mon?

2^nd Operator: Leo.

1^st Operator: This week there will be disagreement at work.  Your colleagues may try to gang up on you.  Stand your ground and all will be well.

Supervisor:  Okay, I guess the stars are telling us that Monica’s choice of music is right so let’s have a touch of Strauss.  Will someone put the music on?

They all get up and 1^st Operator goes to music machine.

Thank you for your patience please continue to hold and your call will be taken by the next available operative in the meantime we leave you with this piece of music.

The Radetzky March is played and the four women dance to the music.

Supervisor:  Now what shall we treat ‘em too?

1st Operator:  I know.  I know.

2^nd Operator:  What?

1^st Operator: Let me surprise you.

Supervisor:  No, on second thoughts I think we had better start taking some of these calls.  There’s quite a backlog. 

3rd Operator: Yes, I think the customers deserve our attention.

2^nd Operator:  Are you after promotion?

3rd Operator:  No, I just think we have a duty to our customers, well, the ones that pay anyway.

Supervisor:  Yes, well enough of this chit chat.  Everyone ready?  Good.  Put your headsets on and let’s get this party started.

They put on headsets.

For training purposes calls may be monitored

1^st Operator:  Thank you for dialling 999…which service do you require? (Pause)  What…all three?  Oh now you’re just being greedy.(Pause) In any event due to cutbacks all 999 calls are now being taken at our call centre in Bangla Desh. (Pause)  No, I’m afraid I don’t know the international code.  You will need to ring directory enquiries.

2^nd Operator:  Directory Enquiries, Monica speaking, how may I help? (Pause)  Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been put through to the wrong department you need Accident and Emergency.  Well, if you redial then you will be given a list of options.  Choose the one most appropriate to your situation… (Pause)  No, I’m sorry, I’m not qualified to give medical advice but I would suggest that you keep up the CPR while you redial.  Thank you for calling Directory Enquiries.

Supervisor:  Duty Supervisor speaking, how may I help? (Pause)  You’ve been trying to reach us all day. (Pause)  Oh, you’ve had a fall, have you?  What’s that? (Pause) You can’t get up…  When did you fall? (Pause)  Yesterday…Oh, I’m sorry but you have to be on the floor for at least three days before it can be considered an emergency. (Pause)  Well, it seems to me you have two options here.  You can either wait it out till you’ve been on the floor for the mandatory period or you can try pulling yourself together and pulling yourself up.  That would seem to be your best option as I’m afraid… (Pause) Well…there’s no need for language!      

1^st Operator:  No I’m sorry…only our non-emergency service is open twenty four seven.  Emergency services close at six.  Thank you for calling…

3^rd Operator:  What’s that you say?  (Pause)  Well, I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed; we only deal with non-emergency repairs. (Pause)  How deep did you say the water was?  Five foot…in your lounge you say, and how tall are you?  (Pause)  Five foot five (Pause) oh so, you can still keep your head above water… (Pause) Then I would suggest you ring again in the morning.  (Pause) Yes, I’m sure someone will be able to answer any questions you might have.  Thank you for calling Out of Hours Emergency Treatment and Repairs Centre but I must remind you our Out of Hours Emergency Centre closes at six.

Supervisor:  Okay, girls, tea break!

They all get up and leave the stage except 1^st Operator who walks slowly to the music machine which is placed on stage near where she and the others will get into costume.  Then she too goes off stage and we hear

If you require assistance with a technical problem please press one.

If you wish to pay your bill please press two.

If you are experiencing difficulty pressing buttons please press three.

If you are deaf then please press four.  I said press four.  Are you deaf…oh, yes…you are! Then it’s no good pressing five for advice so best you write a letter.

If you are experiencing an emergency and require an operative please press six and wait for your call to be answered.

The red message is then followed by Can Can music.  All four come back on stage one at a time and then they dance the Can Can    END

Cast List

Supervisor: Joan

1^st Operator: Pat 

2^nd Operator: Lesley

3^rd Operator:  Beryl  

Plus

Surprise Dancer

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