Not Quite The Eve Of Destruction (2017 IP)

‘Can’t I have one?  Just one little one?  I’ve been so good all year…’

‘No you bloody can’t, and put that Scythe down or I swear to Me I’ll confiscate it for good.  I told you.  After 2016 it’s no more bloody celebrities until I say so.  We had an agreement, 2017 on probation and we’ll see for 2018.  But then no more than one really big name a quarter.  It’s not as if you haven’t had enough to keep you busy elsewhere.’

‘Yeah, okay.  Syria was a bonus.  I thought there wouldn’t be much doing there, after that truce thing at the end of 2016, but in the end they didn’t let me down.  Business pretty much as usual.  Good pickings in the Yemen as well.  They did fuck all there and I had to draft in a couple of the Four Horsemen to cope with the extra work.  The other two were a bit pissed off, they’ve had to put the flu pandemic on hold for another year.  I see your bag’s packed.  Where are you off to?’

‘Washington.  Where else?  Dropping in tomorrow.  And I’ve been spending so much on hotel bills I decided to buy a little place, just up the road from the White House.  Serviced apartment, very nice.’

‘Seems to be working.  The impeachment’s a nice touch.  I know he’s Mr Teflon, but even he can’t dispute the cheque with Putin’s name on it.’

‘Thanks for the compliment, but that was nothing to do with me.  Once the Bilderberg group decided they’d had enough, I was more or less redundant.  I’ve just been concentrating on keeping him away from the Button long enough for them to get the paperwork done.’

‘Pence, though?’

‘I know, he’s an evil bastard, but he’s not completely certifiable.  He’ll do until the Bilderbergs get everything back under control.  They really took their eye off the ball this time.  I’ve had words.’

‘Shame about Twitter.  I mean, I know it had to go for the sake of humanity, but Wrath, Envy, Lust and Greed don’t know what to do with themselves now, to be honest.  They’re annoying the hell out of Sloth and Gluttony.  Well, you know those two – anything for a quiet life.  I suppose you know Pride’s not best pleased with the changing situation in Washington.  Eight years waiting to get back in there, and now he’s having to divide his time between Moscow and Pyongyang.’

‘At least he can move about a bit.  Think of poor bloody Chaos.  She’s been stuck in London for nearly two years now.  And Theresa May won’t even acknowledge her.  Jeremy Corbyn’s a bit more welcoming.  He seems more comfortable around her.’

‘Speaking of London, was the Royal pregnancy your idea?’

‘Hardly.  I have nothing but respect for Her Majesty, and I wasn’t going to send her in your direction with the news that her grandson has impregnated an American actress who’s got far too much sense to marry him.  She’s coped though – the Queen, I mean.  She had to entertain the Trumps at dinner.  After that, sorting out the order of precedence for Harry’s offspring will be a doddle.  I did arrange Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, though.  I thought it would serve them both right.’

‘Not sure Brad and Angela Merkel is a keeper.’

‘Uh huh, but variety is the spice, and all that.  She’s got a lot of time on her hands now.’

‘I rather liked what you did with that writing website.’

‘The one with all the amazing talent?  Yes, I was quite chuffed with that.  They didn’t even know they’d bought a collective Euromillions ticket, let alone that they’d got the biggest payout ever in any lottery anywhere in the world.  They can set up their own publishing company now, and put out all those wonderful stories and poems.’

‘You’re going to give one of them the Man Booker prize next year, aren’t you?  I can see it in your eyes.’

‘Possibly.  Or maybe we’ll just start with the Bridport and the National Poetry Competition.  And the film rights to a couple of novels.’

‘Not too bad a year then, 2017?’

‘I’ve seen worse.  I still haven’t forgiven you for 2016.’

‘Oh for Your sake.  Get over it.  Let’s open a bottle and have a game of chess before Jools Holland starts.’

‘You know it’s not live?  That countdown’s a load of nonsense.’

‘One thing I do know is when something’s not live.  Cheers! Happy 2018!’

​Picture credit:  http://tinyurl.com/jlqupxe