The iTablet

Pastor Boris was preaching on a Sunday morning.
"The rich young man went away sad because he had great wealth. Will you go away sad today? Will you go away sad and keep your wealth? Or will you sell everything you have and give the money to the church so that they can give it to the poor. It is the highest calling this side of Heaven. Come and join your brothers and sisters living in community. It is the highest way. Christians who don't do this are compromised. Christians who live outside our community are worldlings." After he had finished preaching, Gordon went up to Pastor Boris and said,
"Pastor, that was the most incredible sermon I've ever heard." Pastor Boris grinned at Gordon.
"The dictionary definition of the word incredible is that it lacks credibility and you don't believe it." Gordon grinned at Pastor Boris.
"Yes Pastor Boris, that was the most incredible sermon I've ever heard. I don't believe a single word of it."
"Why not?"
"Oh, I don't know, Pastor, could it be the £4 million that the church has in the bank? Why don't you give that to the poor?"
"Gordon, we need that money for the International Christian Centre."
"Oh I see, you need it to pay people's salaries at the International Christian Centre."
"Gordon, the poor will benefit from the work we do at the International Christian Centre. The managers will be paid only the minimum wage."
"But Pastor, it's not the same as giving the money to the poor directly."
"Any suggestions as to how we would give £4 million to the poor directly?"
"I know what Bob Geldof would do with it. Fill up an aeroplane with millions of pounds worth of food and fly it to an African country where people are starving." Pastor Boris' wife Valerie joined in the conversation.
"Money is not a dirty word. If this community spends £4 million on building and running a centre to help the homeless, I will be quite happy that that is where the money went. There is nothing wrong with building a centre to help the homeless and it would cost a lot of money. I don't see anything wrong with that."
"I don't see anything wrong with that," said Matthew. "It's no better or worse than anything else that Christians do with their money. But you said it was the highest calling this side of Heaven. Is that why the church never sends out any missionaries?"
"Piddledon Farm is a church of the UK," protested Pastor Boris.
"Why is that?" asked Matthew. Gordon shook his fist in Pastor Boris' face.
"The things that are going on in the rest of the world are alarming. I find that statement, that Piddledon Farm should be a church of the UK, absolutely terrifying."
"You have to be realistic about your goals," said Pastor Boris. "We're a small church. We can't send an aeroplane full of food to Africa because we're too small."
"Then give the money to someone who can," shouted Gordon and walked away out of the meeting hall, his big black Bible still in his hand.
"The church never used to be like this," said Dorris.
"No, it was much more peaceful," said Rachel.
"That's because the church had a religious spirit," said Stanley. "It was very controlling and everybody thought what they were told to think and did what they were told to do."
"How we need a religious spirit today," said Dorris.

 

On Monday morning Magnus was about to make himself a drink in the church office.
"Would you like a cup of real coffee?" asked Magnus.
"Yes," said Angie. Magnus put a spoonful of Sainsbury's own brand coffee into each of two mugs. Angie's mobile phone rang.
"Hello," she said.
"Hello. It's Stanley. You've turned down my request for an office chair."
"Why can't you sit on the bed?"
"I've got really bad eyesight," said Stanley. "The only way I can read my Bible is to put on my reading glasses, put the Bible on the bed and sit on the chair beside it."
"You've got a chair, Stanley, so why should you have a new one?"
"Just look at the state of it. I'll email you some photographs. It must be seen to be believed."
"Photographs?" Angie sounded surprised. "Stanley, where did you get a camera from? Any purchases people make for more than £50, they have to get authorisation from me. I don't recall you or any of your housemates asking for a camera."
"PC World are selling a tablet computer for £49.99. It's great. It does everything.  You can watch films on it. You can take photographs with it. You can Zoom on it. You can even film yourself with it."
"Oh no, oh no," said Angie and put the phone down without finishing the conversation.
"What's wrong?" asked Magnus, as he poured a carton of UHT milk into the two cups of coffee.
"PC World are selling a tablet computer for £49.99."
"Those tablets are useless without a strong broadband signal."
"Magnus, all the community houses have got a strong broadband signal. The Common Purse deacons have been complaining about having to go out into a cold office to give everybody their weekly pocket money. Can I have a broadband signal and a little lap top so I can do this on the dining table?"
"Make them buy a television licence for each community house."
"That's not the point," said Angie. "We can't stop people watching Christian films or services from other churches."
"Is that so terrible?"
"They might realise that God doesn't want them to be really poor. They might realise that we're not the only church in the world that does the things we do. They might start to wonder if having all of our money in one bank account actually makes us any different. Magnus, we can't control people any more."

 

Matthew sat in his bedroom with the tablet he had bought from PC World for £49.99. He decided to see what the internet had to say about Piddledon Farm Community Church. He found a Youtube video by a group who were calling themselves the Piddledon Farm Survivors. A woman with long brown hair and glasses appeared on the screen.
"If you really want to live a life of poverty, move out of community," she said. "You get no financial support from anyone at all. We decided to record this recipe programme to help people who have moved out of community and who have no money. If you've only got £5 to last until the end of the month, here are some meals you can still eat." Her husband appeared. A man in his fifties with short brown hair and glasses, who looked like an intellectual, if that were possible, wearing a brown suit.
"All of these meals use a minimal amount of electricity," he said. "Put 50p in the meter and you should be able to use your microwave oven for a whole week." He held up a bag of frozen chips. "A cheap bag of chips that costs 35p. Mashed potato sandwiches. Something you can do with that cheap loaf of bread that costs 25p and will only last for 3 days. Boil the chips for 10 minutes. Pour out the water and mash the chips, which are now quite soggy, with a fork. An excellent sandwich filling." His wife appeared again holding a brown paper bag of onions.
"Onion soup," she said. "Chop one onion and put it into half a cup of water.  Boil for 10 minutes to make a strongly flavoured soup. Something else you can eat with that big loaf of bread you bought for 25p that will only last 3 days." Her husband appeared again. He was holding a plastic bag of oatmeal.
"Savoury porridge," he said. He picked up a cup and a spoon. "I'm going to put 6 tablespoons of this into half a cup of water because I want it to be thick. I'm going to eat it with a knife and fork and I want it to stand up on my dinner plate." He picked up a bright red bottle of sauce. "To stop it tasting like cardboard, I'll add a good squirt of chilli sauce."

 

Louisa sat in the lounge at the farm drinking a cup of tea.
"I've noticed something very strange," she said. "People out there in the world seem to be poorer than people in community."
"What makes you think that?" asked Maria.
"I've been watching things on my new iTablet. Things aren't like they were when we moved into community. There are food banks."
"What are food banks?" asked Maria.
"Places full of tinned food where people go when they have no food," said Louisa.
"Are there worldlings that have no food? Is that because they've given their food to the poor?"
"No, it's because they never had any food. They are the poor. They call it the economic crisis."
"I think we're wrong to look down on people in the world and consider them to be materialistic," said Matthew. "They may have less money than we do."
"But if we can't look down on people out there in the world and regard them as materialistic," said Rachel, "the church will have no vision."

 

Matthew sat in the bedroom once again with his tablet. Now to listen to a sermon from America.
"Has everybody got a Bible? Take your Bible in your hand and pray with me. My God will do every good thing in my life that is in this book. My God will fulfil every promise that is made in this book. He is my God, he is my God. Satan, he is not your God. You were defeated on that hill. Satan, he is not your God. You were cast down. He is my God and he is going to keep every promise he has made in this book. God wants you to have abundant life and he wants you to have life to the full. God wants to bless you spiritually, he wants to bless you physically, he wants you to have abundant health and he wants to bless your finances. The church says God is mean. He wants you to be poor. Then the church, who wants everyone to be poor, has got so much money. It builds huge cathedrals. It has such magnificent buildings. The Bible calls it the whore of Babylon. If you get a job in Macdonalds and have faith, you're not going to be there very long. Or if you are there for very long, if that is where God wants you to be, you're going to have an anointing from God. Get your mind off man's channel, which is 666, and get it on to God's channel which is 777. Everyone is going to see that you're the one who knows how to run that branch of Macdonalds. Pretty soon you're going to be the manager. Then God will give you 2 or 3 branches of Macdonalds and you'll be manager of the whole region. God's will is for you to be blessed in every way, including your finances. Not living from paycheque to paycheque. Break the hamster wheel of slavery. You are going to be a blessing to others. You are going to be significant. God will give you the power to be a wealth creator. The wisdom to get it, the ability to get it and use it for the gospel. The voice of God is not a still small voice. It's the roar of the lion of Judah. You must slay your Goliath. Which Goliaths stalk you and your family? You must slay the Goliath of sickness, you must slay the Goliath of hereditary disease, you must slay the Goliath of ;poverty. Okay, you live in a poor part of the country. The people of Goshen were blessed while the rest of Israel around them were in poverty. Be Goshen, be blessed. There will be no end time harvest of souls unless there are kingdom millionaires. I know people who can go off to any part of the world where there's been a disaster and take millions of pounds worth of aid with them."

 

It was Matthew's turn to preach the next Sunday morning.
"The church says God is mean. God wants you to be poor. And this same church, which wants you to be poor, has got so much money, it builds huge buildings. The Bible calls it the whore of Babylon. If you get a job in Macdonalds, you're not going to work in Macdonalds for very long. You've got an anointing to be a wealth creator. You've got the wisdom to get money and the ability to get it and to use it for the gospel. So if you're frying hamburgers, the manager of the restaurant is going to notice that you're the only one who really knows how to run the restaurant. Then pretty soon, you're the manager of the restaurant, and God'll give you 2 or 3 other restaurants so that you're regional manager." There was a loud bang as Valerie fell out of her chair and hit the floor.
"Are you all right, Darling?" asked Pastor Boris.
"Yes, fine. I think I just fainted." Matthew continued preaching.
"We need people in this church to become millionaires. We need to be able to go straight off to any part of the world where there's been a natural disaster and help people." Pastor David suddenly jumped off his seat and ran towards the stage.
"Stop this! Stop this!" he shouted. "This is prosperity teaching."
"Bless you, Pastor David," Matthew continued. "God wants you to prosper. God wants to bless your life in every way. Your health, your mental health, your marriage and your finances." Pastor David continued his outburst.
"Matthew, on a Sunday morning you are supposed to give us an exhortation from the Bible."
"Very well, Pastor David, an exhortation I shall give you. Proverbs 10. 'The wealth of the rich is their fortified city but poverty is the ruin of the poor. The wages of the righteous bring them life, but the income of the wicked brings them punishment. The blessing of the Lord brings wealth and he adds no trouble to it.' I believe that these promises are for today. I do not believe that when the New Testament was completed God became a mean, miserly God who wanted everyone to have sleepless nights worrying about how they would pay their bills."
"Get out of that pulpit!" Pastor David screamed. "Matthew Ellis, you are not a leader in this church anymore. I never want to hear you preach again." Matthew burst into tears.
"But I've wanted to be a church leader since I was going to school in short trousers."
"Well," said Rachel, "try not to rock the boat too much."
"Quite right," said Valerie. "Stick to the same fifty or so Bible verses that we're all familiar with and just say what you're supposed to say about those. They'll think you're a great preacher then."
"Yes, if you do that they'll think you're an excellent preacher," said Pastor Boris.