WILL

"I didn't know you liked Will Young."

"Well, he's a likeable type of guy."

"But you put him on your arm. Why?"

"Well, let's face it; the chap's not gonna want me to have him anywhere more personal, is he?"

"And you've got Will Smith above your behind!"

"Yeah, well, I figured 'Men in Black', Will on back!"

"Andy Williams is on your backside."

"I quite liked the thought of sitting on him."

"What's with the 'Wills on mills' on your right thigh?"

"I was trying to humour myself. I felt down at the time, you know how it is."

"I'm not sure I do. And on your chest; Toyah Willcox? Why did you let her get on your tits?"

"Oh, it's a mystery."

"I never realised you were so weird."

"OK, I have a confession to make. I had a boyfriend called Will. But we split up; five times. I was madly in love with him when we first got together, so I got his name tattooed on my backside. Then we broke up and I couldn't stop crying my eyes out to sad love songs, so I thought expanding 'Will' to Andy Williams was a fitting tribute."

"And each time you got back together, you got his name tattooed somewhere else?"

"Yes. I know, I should've learned. But at least I rectified it!"

"If that's what you want to call it."

"Don't worry, I won't be making the same mistake again, especially not with your name!"

"No, I don't suppose there's much space for it!"

"Not only that, love, but if, Heaven forbid, we split up, I don't think I'd be able to do much with 'Adamappleade'."

20 February 2006