Sex Butler

Sex Butler

Gentlemen, I’ll admit
The modern world’s a sordid jip
Run by grubby little men who like to gloat
Everywhere you turn
you’re faced with some gaunt slapper’s gurn
and coitus being rammed down your throat.

We’re all expected to perform
way beyond our happy norm
and nobody will cut you any slack
she may look demure and pretty
but she's watched Sex in the City
and she’ll be laughing at your cock behind your back.

Love-making's a battle
and if the subtler sex’s cackle
is a worry then you’ll need something subtler,
but please my friends don’t fear
I don’t mean Germaine Greer
Gentleman, what you need’s a Sex Butler

Sex Butler!
In spats and tails and Brylcreem, his place is in your boudoir
standing stoically by your wardrobe as you go about your hoo-hah
he can rip open the Durex with distinction and aplomb
and to save you all the fumbling he can even put it on
offering murmured exhortations as you creak and groan and mutter
and if proceedings take a kinky turn he’ll supply the butter
and remain insouciant no matter what you do
so why take one little man into the bedroom when you can take two?

Sex Butler!
Whether it’s your wife of thirty years or a teenager from Brent
your best friend’s little sister or a boy who’s earning rent
he’ll be looming there like Jeeves when your children are conceived
and will calmly mop your brow as pant and sigh and heave
saying: you rang sir, your cock-ring sir?
the lady's nurses’ costume, sir?
Or perhaps you’d like to try on these suspenders and these stockings, sir?
And he'll remain until the bitter end to light her cigarette
or after those more unusual nights to send out for a vet.

Sex Butler!
The conjugal concierge that loves the jobs you hate
Always there to assist you if the task in hand frustrates
Instructions are not needed if you're struggling he’ll infer
Perhaps sir'd like to wait outside while I give Madame a stir
And when you're back, he'll coach you: push up and then trust forward
reassure your paramour if she starts feeling awkward
with a few lines of poetry just to put her at ease
you see she's stopped her whimpering she's just weeping silently

Sex Butler!
And ladies I know what you're thinking, you clandestine prudes, I see
Oh, I’m not having it off with some old pervert watching me!
But just think of the benefits if your chap's been under-performing
he might pass out after a minute but the butler's there till the morning!
Upstairs, downstairs, in between the thighs
And he even stays behind to mop up gentleman’s surprise
with every night of passion etched on his sunken cheeks
because what the butler didn't see is scarcely worth a peek.