Sulphur sun-rise

Cherry

By Beeme

Fri, 04 Mar 2011
  • 3075 reads
15 comments
 

Lined with black -
the leaden sky,
like the long shadows
of our bodies.
Outstretched ribs
crack like thunder -
blue and white stars,
blood red light;
sparks of our decay
settling...
as sulphur dioxide
in the air.

Certificate U
Poem
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by pinda on
The chemistry in this was atom-binding :D Sorry, humour was never my strong point (you're probably cringing as you read this lol) This was short but it had me lost in a world of science and philosophy for a moment, it was fun :) The message shines through this poem and you did a great job at it. Wel done X Pinda

Submitted by jonahs cough on
the imagery in this is beautifully vivid. great work beeme.

Submitted by Beeme on
awwh thanks very much Pinda, :) lol Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Highhat on
This poem made me think of a bleak smog filled skyline. Very futuristic with doomsday connotations. Did I get it all wrong? Pia

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much Jonahs cough :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Yes, although you can draw from this whatever you personally want to and the more inages I can create for others the better..' A bleak skyline was defiantly the main image in my mind while I was writing this one. I'm really glad you enjoyed. Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
Hi there, Beeme. Effective imagery here, and you indeed created 'a bleak skyline' for me. Just a suggestion on the layout and also suggestions for the punctuation, but please, as I always say, feel free to ignore me. I am used to it;-) The main reason for the slight alteration in layout due to the fact that I stumbled over 'sulphur dioxide' being on successive lines. This kind of thing can be effective, but I don't think that here it really adds anything. Also, I think 'settling' works admirably on a line of its own. I have also substituted 'as' instead of 'like', to avoid too much repetition. Lined with black - the leaden sky, like the long shadows of our bodies. Outstretched ribs crack like thunder - blue and white stars, blood red light; sparks of our decay settling... as sulphur dioxide in the air. Love the 'ribs cracking like thunder', and the 'blue and white stars';-) Tina xx

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thanks for the suggestions, I always take them on board. I'm glad you liked this :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
That's smashing now, Beeme. Well done;-) Tina xx

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you very much Tina :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by fatboy74 on
A little piece of magic. :-)

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much Fatboy! :-] Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you for the cherry eds!! xx

k.

Submitted by seashore on
This is just great Beeme.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thanks so much Seashore, really glad you thought so and enjoyed :) Beeme xx

k.