"Checkout" Scene Five

“Checkout” The Sermon on The Mount!
Scene Five Supermarket Teashop Twelve days later

All four girls are present and drinking coffee

Leanne:
No, I couldn’t have come out last week. It’s been shocking, this cough, and it’s still not gone.

Mel:
Yeah, it has been bad. I just hope I don’t get it.

Leanne:
Oh, that’s nice…thanks for your concern!

Mel:
What?

Leanne:
Oh, never mind. Before I start coughing again…you was saying.

Maureen:
Yeah, well, we only went out of politeness, they do that sort of thing up where we live now. It was packed with all the posh people from The Mount and a good few from The Pines…you know the Golf Club.

Leanne:
So how come she was like that?

Doreen:
It must have been because the alcohol was still in her system after Saturday night.

Mel:
What Saturday night?

Maureen:
The Saturday night we invited her round for a drink.

Mel:
Why, what happened?

Maureen:
Nothing out of the ordinary…as far as I can remember.

Doreen:
No, just a normal Saturday night.

Leanne:
So how did she end up like that?

Maureen:
Well, we may have played a tiny little part in it.

Doreen:
Yeah, but we weren’t to know.

Mel:
Know what?

Maureen:
That it was her first time.

Leanne:
First time?

Maureen:
For her and Vodka to become friends!

Leanne:
Oh no. Tell me that you didn’t get her…

Doreen: (Grinning)
Yeah, we did.

Maureen: (Grinning)
Well, we weren’t to know.

Leanne:
So, go on you and Doreen were in the Church.

Maureen:
Sitting in the front row.

Mel:
Pew…you mean Pew!

Maureen:
Wha…Oh, I thought for a minute you meant Doreen but she says excuse me now, don’t you Dor?

Doreen:
Yes, Mor.

Leanne:
So tell us what happened.

Maureen:
Well, there she is stood or rather swaying in that Pulpit thing in all her Church robe thingies when she starts. “People of thish good parish, I mean good people of thish parish before I give my sermon the Vicar hash asked me to correct errors that will appear in next week’s church magazine ‘Holy Orders,’ as it hash gone to printers with some ‘stakes.”

Leanne:
Stakes?

Maureen:
Mistakes!

Leanne:
Oh.

Maureen:
Next she says swaying gently from side to side, “First off, page two should read ‘Flower Arrangement Classes will continue’” and not “‘De-flowering by Arrangement will continue.’ Silly Billy…that wash me… that wash!”

Mel:
Oh no!

Maureen:
Then she says, “And page five...Silly Billy me again… should have read ‘Any one wishing to join Young Mothers’…nice ladies… ‘should see Vicar. Not Any one wishing become a Young Mother will have to make appointment with Vicar…’ naughty boy and what if some want to become old mothers? Will he oblige? Noblesse oblige!”

Leanne:
Oh my God!

Mel:
And her a Lay Preacher!

Leanne:
Then what?

Maureen:
Then she said “Must ‘pologize to Bishop ‘cause was hanging up his vestibules, I mean, vestaments, no testaments, no…’pparently, ‘Get ‘Em Off’ is not title of modern day hymn as I wash led to believe. Should be…”

Mel:
The Vicar will report this for sure.

Doreen:
No, wait…you haven’t heard it all! Because then she said…

Maureen:
Who’s telling this story, Dor?

Doreen:
Sorry.

Leanne:
So tell us?

Mel:
Yeah I don’t mind who tells it but please put us out of our misery?

Maureen:
Well, let’s just say I don’t think the Vicar will be making a complaint.

Mel:
Why not?

Maureen:
Because the next thing she said was “I mush apol…apol…apologize to owner of Pink…Pink…Pinkerton’s as, ‘pparently, I led charge accompanied by two very nishe young…nishe young… who have come into parish and taken it upon selves to befriend me. Ishn’t that nishe?”

Leanne:
You two?

Maureen:(Grinning)
She then said “I wash under impress…impress… leading charge into Christian Youth Club.”

Mel:
Which one of you two gave her that impression?

Doreen:
You know what we’re like on a Saturday night. We don’t remember any of this.

Mel:
So, when did she find out Pinkerton’s was a strip club?

Maureen:
Not until we were inside.

Leanne:
I think Mel may be right after all. I think she might well be disrobed or whatever it is church officials do.

Maureen:
I don’t really see why.

Mel:
You don’t?

Maureen:
No, Grayling is a good Christian woman and she thinks ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ is the perfect hymn to sing on a night out.

Doreen:
Then she said in that funny voice of hers “My gels at Grammar sing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ every morning at Assembly and it hashn’t done them any harm.”

Maureen:
You sounded just like her then, Dor.

Mel:
She didn’t?

Maureen:
Yes, she did.

Leanne:
No, Mel meant…oh, you two are talking at cross purposes.

Maureen:
As Doreen just said Grayling did say her ‘gels’ as she calls them sing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ every morning at Assembly and it hadn’t done them any harm.

Doreen:
Unless you count her ‘gels’ that were in the strip club that night pole dancing.

Leanne:
No way!

Doreen:
We’re not making it up.

Maureen:
Then she said, “ I do believe shome of my gels are here learning what looksh like a new dance. And jolly good it looksh too!”

Doreen:
Maureen said, “It’s called Pole dancing.” And she said “It’s very different from The Dashing White Sergeant.”

Leanne:
This just gets better.

Maureen:
Then she said, “I think I might rather like go at that! It looksh such fun!”

Mel:
No!

Maureen:
And would you believe she then said, “I s’ppose one hash to take one’s clothes off to be able to writhe like that. Oh, well, in for penny…”

Leanne:
I think Mel you and I should start going to church.

Mel:
It’s no laughing matter really the Headmistress of St Ethelred’s is a Church Warden, you know?

Leanne:
Who would have thought… and on The Mount too.

Maureen:
But I’ve saved the best bit to last.

Leanne:
This is better than what’s on television.

Mel:
Surely there’s nothing else?

Doreen:
Tell ‘em, Mor!

Maureen:
Give us a chance, Dor? Well just as she’s leaving the Pulpit thingy she says “And musht say was impresh…impresh…with thingy… lengths new Vicar go to tend hish flock. Almosht didn’t recog…recog…nise without hish dog. No, thatsh not right. Collar…thatsh it! But shall make my businesh to speak hish housekeepers, no only one, finderskeepers…no thatsh not right either…hish raincoat need clean. Not Nishe Vicar go out in dirty mac.” And with that she fell out of the Pulpit!

Mel:
Your Grayling neighbour has certainly put a new spin on The Sermon on The Mount.

Leanne:
Yes, this has all been very entertaining and Grayling sounds like she’s taken to you two…

Maureen:
Oh, she loves us but then we’re like a breath of fresh air up there on The Mount.

Leanne:
Yes, I’m sure you are but what I am absolutely dying to know is how your kitchen units are coming on. Have you made a start?

Maureen:
Start! We’ve finished them.

Mel:
Never!

Doreen:
Whatdaya mean? Never!

Maureen:
We don’t hang about. We even got a better deal on the oak.

Doreen:
Yes, it means the units are in light, medium and dark oak but that all adds to the character we think, don’t we, Mor?

Maureen:
Yes, it was cheaper buying it that way and we got a better deal on the black granite worktops too.

Leanne:
Blimey, you must be a good negotiator, Maureen?

Doreen:
Yeah, she’s the best!

Maureen:
Aaw thanks, Dor!

Doreen:
You’re welcome, Mor!

Leanne:
So, any thoughts on when the party might be.

Maureen:
Just as soon as the granite arrives and we get it fitted.

Doreen:
Then we’ll paint the walls and that’s it.

Mel:
So, what…next month?

Maureen:
Nah! Should have it finished by the weekend.

Doreen:
So, we reckon the party will be the following Saturday, right Mor?

Maureen:
You’re not wrong, Dor!

Doreen:
Best be getting back, Mor. No Nonsense is on the warpath again.

Maureen:
Yeah, best be getting back. Reckon next time we see you will be at the party.

EXIT the twins

End