predator (just re uploaded)

Cherry

By Di_Hard

Sat, 03 Mar 2018
  • 1981 reads
8 comments
 

snow lies outside waiting like a cat

thick fluffy fur white gleaming flat

 

bumper deep cars lurk stuck fast as burrs

in streets shaken by sky ripping purrs

 

walkers who seeing clear paths relax

in a blink gasp ice felled in their tracks

 

the Co-Op's low on milk, has no bread

empty shelves fill shoppers' hearts with dread

 

some look for long-keeping staples here

and/or fill trollies with cans of beer

 

there'll be no deliveries today -

rough playing paws wave all boats away

 

two hopeful boys set off with a sled

though drifts so deep made tunnels instead

 

with rosy delight each friend glows

till they worry if they still have toes

 

benches wait too cold cushioned to sit

no one stops to chat, all smokers quit

 

yellow eye watches from high with ease

as mice and men's best laid plans slow, freeze

 

through trees where yesterday blackbirds sung

the cat creeps stilling each warm tongue

 

in silent stillness the world to keep

for everyone knows cats need their sleep

 

 

 

 

 

 

Certificate U
Poem
Inspiration Point (work that responds to our weekly writing cue)

Comments

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

I see you've done some work on this, smoothing, clarifying and introducing yet more ideas I think. Lots of interesting metaphors and observations. Personally, I feel you could in time probably make the reading even smoother, but that would probably need waiting awhile and looking at it again after a little time, when you've digested it, no hasty changes! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou, Rhiannon for reading and commenting on this AGAIN. I have only today noticed there is a "revisions" button to save all the previous versions of things which is SO HELPFUL. I can tell it's not right but not where. I have a feeling I will cringe reading this in the future

 

thankyou also to the patient cherry giver!

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

I don't think you'll cringe, just the thought that some extra smoothing sometimes comes when you've been away from a piece for a while! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Denzella on

Hello Di,

I liked this poem's tight rhyming scheme and it carried me along to the end.  I also liked that the poem started and ended with the cat so it came full circle.  If I am making any sense.  I may not always get a poem but I know what l like and I liked this.

Moya. 

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou, Moya. The rhyming thing is a discipline I'm trying to learn. There's a fantastic poem on ABC called Beyond by Catherine Poarch which is such fun to read, if you like rhymes please look it up? It is an inspiration.  I am awestruck how Rhiannon, Well_Wisher and others seem to write rhyme as easily as if just ordinary talking

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

I cannot believe I missed this great poem Di. The snow seems like it happened so long ago now. 

It certainly inspired a lot of people and I think you've captured the weather that we had perfectly in this one.

Jenny.

 

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou Jenny. You did read the first version of this. But then I read your poem Swindon, which was brilliant, and made me want to have another go at this one. But I couldn't get it right and changed it so often it looked like hundreds of people had read it, which wasn't true, so I deleted it and re uploaded it. Still doesn't flow very well -  will probably hack away at it again next Winter.

When you first read it your boiler had conked out. Hope everything is fixed now

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

Everything's fine now Di, boiler fixed. I honestly think your poem is great as it is. You convey the scene well.

Jenny.