I.P. St Christina

Cherry

By Hourhouse

Tue, 03 Aug 2010
  • 2166 reads
9 comments
 

The smell of men and garlic breath
Had frightened you, not half to death
But half to life – so up you flew
And rested in the rafters new.

The rafters now are old and grey
But we still know you flew away
St Christina the Astonishing
Patron Saint of mental monit'ring!

Certificate U
Humour

Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
This works really well up until the last two lines. All the other lines are exactly eight syllables and the rhythm really keeps this tight and strong. The last two lines break this rule. How about: 'Christina the Astonishing (8) Saint of mental monitoring' (also 8) J x

 

Submitted by Hourhouse on
Doh! I had Christiana not Christina. Narrowed it down to 9 and 9. I pronounce monitoring as monitring, which makes yours 8 and 7. Added an apostrophe to make this clear.

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Yes, much better, works really well now! J x

 

Submitted by Jacquelineann on
Sounds more like maths than poetry, you don't have to stick to rules.

Jax

Submitted by jennifer on
I disagree. I depends on the effect you want to have. Free verse has no rules, certainly, but here there was a distinct rhythm in this poem and the ending had to 'scan' to round it off. J x

 

Submitted by Jacquelineann on
Well yes I suppose, give you that, it does have a distinct rhythm, if nothing else! Perhaps it would have been better free verse!

Jax

Submitted by MistakenMagic on
Well done on another well-deserved cherry hourhouse ;) Love the two stanza split - great take on the IP! Magic xxx

 

Submitted by Hourhouse on
Thanks for the cherry and the kind comments. I'm getting quite embarrassed at all these plaudits!

 

Submitted by iDrew on
Cool read and congrats. xDrew ------------------------------------------------------- Kicks To Hypnotise Suburban Daughters by Charlotte De'Ath available at Erbacce Press http://www.erbacce-press.com/#/charlotte-death/4540789243

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