Y: 12/17/02

Work Diary, 12/17/02

Mean Things I Did to My Little Sister when We Were Growing Up, Part
I

1. Told her that Santa got drunk and overstocked on Ken Dolls. "He'll
run out of Barbies way before he gets to our house," I said, "So you'd
better not plan on getting one. But Ken's nice, too."

2. Shot her in the butt with my BB gun after she refused to give me a
piece of grape Hubba Bubba chewing gum.

3. Dressed her up in her best clothes so she could go out and collect
for the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy telethon, then kept the money
for candy bars and Coca-Colas.

4. Told her that she was so ugly when she was born that we had to keep
her in the bathtub until Mama stopped crying enough to pick her
up.

5. Practiced ice-skating moves, in which she'd run across the living
room, jump into the air, and land in my outstretched arms. Naturally, I
had to find out at least once what would happen if I didn't catch
her.

6. When we'd go out to eat, which was often, I'd order her rice and
beans. "No, really," I'd tell the waiter, "That's all she likes."

7. Told her that Satan - like God - was everywhere, and could jump out
at you at any given moment. Contrary to popular belief, the devil was
not afraid of sunlight.

8. Took her to see movies like "It's Alive," in which a small town must
battle a rash of deformed, saber-toothed newborns who drink gallons of
milk a day and kill their own fathers.

9. Told her she was half-frog (as in amphibian, not French) in
reference to her webbed toes.

10. Waited until she was asleep on the couch, then shook her while
shouting, "Fire, fire!" Half asleep, she'd struggle wildly with the
sliding glass door, which I'd blocked earlier with a broomstick.