Plebbed Again

This coat will change my life

It's a bargain, a done deal

A statement, status-bending steal

It stole fresh-water fish

A gallon of oil

Fused knuckles, hands that toil

The name on the tag

Endorphin bait for a bottom-feeding brain,

Looking to go large

A name to cleanse the sin

Of being suburban, semi-detached

A number in a jumbo batch

Hand precious notes over fist

To a grinning mannequin

With starched hair and legs like poles

I smell her thoughts - that I am old

The hound, the powder-coated bitch!

I think she's on the minimum wage

I care not, this coat has made me rich

 

Now I want more, I'm in the swing

It's sheeting rain and I paid

Eleven pounds to park and queue

For rails of groaning rags displayed 

And I wonder, did the Sultans of Ping

Ever find their jumper?

Trampled, trodden and stained

With the DNA of banned breeds

Families who bred too much

And the dogs who trot at their air-soled feet

A swish is as good as a tick

To a square-jawed hound on heat

 

We can make more of this day out

Get dangerous shoes, go see the tower,

Madame Tussauds, the Crown Jewels

Some lumps of waxy nobodies, doing nowt

And shiny things that are already ours

We don't mind to stand for hours

Happy to shed time

Wait in line

Ears back, roll over as we're frisked

To an all-knowing robot, notes over fist

Who tells us (with all the zeal of an uneaten vegetable)

Replicas are available to purchase in the giftshop

We are sushi on a moving path

Glistening carbon flashes past

I leave with an empty purse 

And a replica of the anointing spoon

To ingurgitate my pleb flakes