Alternative Christmas Message

Gold cherry

By jolono

Mon, 05 Dec 2011
  • 12528 reads
24 comments
 

Being a bit of a traditionalist, I have always listened to the Queens Speech on Christmas Day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of royalist nutter who worships the monarchy, but growing up, we couldn't sit down for Christmas dinner until the Queen had finished.

But every year it seems to be the same thing, highs and lows of the year, natural disasters, etc etc etc. So I thought, Knowing how busy Queenie is that I would help out this year. I will write her speech for her.

I know she's a big fan of ABCtales and logs on all the time under various names, so Queenie this is for you.

Good Afternoon everyone, Merry Christmas.

I know that a lot of you may have suffered some hardship this year, what with the Banks fucking up and then the cuts in public spending. So I thought it was time that I gave us all a treat to cheer us all up.

On 29th December there will be a free party in every major city in the UK. There will be three in Scotland. Aberdeen, Edingurgh and Glasgow. In England there will be 20, including Birmingham, Manchester, Newcastle and London. In Wales there will be 5 spread around the country this also goes for Northern Ireland. These will be held in various public place like parks ( weather permitting), Town Halls and other major venues. No excuse if your not local as all public Transport will be free on that day as well. They will start at 20.00 and finish when the last man/woman falls over.

All drink is free as is the food. We will try to make sure that everyone is catered for so we wil have everything from jellied eels to Goat Curry.

Now I have to stress that this is for everyone that lives in this great country of ours, I don't care what religion you are or what colour you are everyone is welcome to join in.

The music will be varied too. Although there will be a lot of Chas and Dave, cos that was my mums favourite! But we'll also have Vera Lynn, Tamla Motown, Bangra,Jazz,Rock, in fact every kind of music you care to name we will try our best to play it.

I don't want to hear any nonsense about how much its going to cost either. It won't cost the tax payer a penny. I've been down to cash converters this morning and done a deal on three crowns, two tiaras and one of the carriages. So money is no problem.

Finally I want to wish everyone a fantastic Christmas and a Happy New Year from me and all the Family.

See you all on the 29th. By the way Fancy Dress is optional but I'm going as Dame Edna and Philip is going as Mr Bean.

Well, I think its a bloody good idea, anyone else?

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Comments

Submitted by lavadis on
Sadly I do not like curried goat - is there a menu?

 

Submitted by jolono on
Of course, jellied eels as mentioned, prawn cocktail, steak (( of course), blackforest gateau. Various curries, shrimp, beef, pork. Vegetarian option is salad!

 

Submitted by Highhat on
See you there....

Submitted by tcook on
This is our Facebook and Twitter pick of the day. Join us on Facebook at ABCtales.com Join us on Twitter @tcookabctales Get a great reading recommendation most days.

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
I thought this was brilliant and and had me in stitches, well done on cherries and Twitter pick of the day. Jenny.

 

Submitted by jolono on
Thanks Jenny, that means a lot.

 

Submitted by jolono on
Tony, thanks mate.

 

Submitted by scratch on
The person who has the title of the monarch (not the airline), small capital is not a typo, Cash Converters? I nearly fell on the floor I want to comment more but it's bloody brilliant .... Bloody brilliant!

 

Submitted by Christine on
I'm in.

Submitted by Millwall on
I wonder what that would be like....remember the Silver Anniversary street parties? that was the closest thing I can remember; too young to attend V E Day, but I bet that was a good night.....

Submitted by Miss Polly on
much enjoyed..very funny and full of wit. Appealed greatly to my northern sense of humor.

Submitted by jolono on
Thanks all, but maybe we should do it. ABCtales bash, with Tony footing the bill. Maybe not... how about this. We all raise a glass on Christmas eve at 11.00pm and say a big thank you to all of us!

 

Submitted by jolono on
Thanks all, but maybe we should do it. ABCtales bash, with Tony footing the bill. Maybe not... how about this. We all raise a glass on Christmas eve at 11.00pm and say a big thank you to all of us!

 

Submitted by jolono on
Thanks all, but maybe we should do it. ABCtales bash, with Tony footing the bill. Maybe not... how about this. We all raise a glass on Christmas eve at 11.00pm and say a big thank you to all of us!

 

Submitted by Cavalcader on
new jolono Yes,I'll be in it,dancing in the street, or big poetry event outside,all go bring food and have fun, get away all pressures,come with xmas. Time,so many lonley,so many visiting n/homes and friends hospitals and perhaps no relations,some died. So many not like families,why! not go barmy do own thing,all have a party! wow. Mine used leave me not well,and take small one up ther,leave me mincepie! How can some behave like that! Now won;t go xmas shopping or coffee. But this is real life! isn't the dominators. But we must move on,do something! Carol sing others,or help less fortunate. cavalcaderl julie Have a party Editor's work and help! Well done on cherries! When all accepted be equal,better way for all. No matter who where or what. I hate dominators and controllers,always think they are better than anyone. I know. Happy xmas to all. It's not what you have,what you do. I am just staying calm! do my own things. x

Submitted by Cavalcader on
new jolono Yes,I'll be in it,dancing in the street, or big poetry event outside,all go bring food and have fun, get away all pressures,come with xmas. Time,so many lonley,so many visiting n/homes and friends hospitals and perhaps no relations,some died. So many not like families,why! not go barmy do own thing,all have a party! wow. Mine used leave me not well,and take small one up ther,leave me mincepie! How can some behave like that! Now won;t go xmas shopping or coffee. But this is real life! isn't the dominators. But we must move on,do something! Carol sing others,or help less fortunate. cavalcaderl julie Have a party Editor's work and help! Well done on cherries! When all accepted be equal,better way for all. No matter who where or what. I hate dominators and controllers,always think they are better than anyone. I know. Happy xmas to all. It's not what you have,what you do. I am just staying calm! do my own things. x

Submitted by jolono on
Thanks Julie, have a great Christmas, sod everyone else!

 

Submitted by lk on
I'll definitely be there and I can't stand the usual Christmas, this sound so much better. Thanks Liz (and Jolono)

Submitted by Dynamaso on
Ah, what about the colonies? C'mon, fair's fair. We could do with a free party too. (Great laugh, this, by the way).

 

Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on
Such a great idea, jolono. Sadly my wife, Esther and I missed the party. We brought roast moose, huge chunks of it in our pack sacks, meaning for a few good folks to at least taste it; you know, this denizen of the north country, huge with lots of antlers and snorts a lot. Well they wouldn't let us past the guarded gate, said moose meat not allowed out of the country. So we sat down in the main airline foyer and had a moose feast with all our new friends. Happy belated Christmas and greeattt New Year in 2012. Richard LP and Esther.
Richard L. Provencher

Submitted by jolono on
What a shame, I love roast moose! If I'd known I would have had a word with security. Queenie loves roast moose as well and Philip, he eats anything! All the best to you and yours Rich.

 

Submitted by bryanhollamby on
I loved this - especially the "done a deal on three crowns, two tiaras and one of the carriages" part! Hilarious!!

Submitted by jolono on
Thanks mate, seems a lifetime ago, soon have to do a new one!

 

Submitted by Denzella on

Hello Joe,

I see you still have great ideas for writing humorous pieces.  This made me chuckle.  I can just see our Queen in Cash Converters.  I bet she could strike a bargain.  Well, she's got the goods and so have you, you writer you.

Moya x