The Time Travel Shop

In the backroom of the shop, the shopkeeper pressed a switch that looked like a light switch on the wall. A man appeared standing on the mat near the adjacent wall, holding a mobile phone.
"How much will you give me for this mobile phone?" he asked.
"£20."
"Go to Hell. It's got an MP6 player."
"You're in 2006. They wouldn't be able to plug it into their computers."
"You don't have to plug it into a computer, I've put all the songs on it already. Songs that people know. Songs that were recorded in the 80s and 90s. 500 of them. And it's got internet access. It's got every website that's ever been on Google or Yahoo recorded on the chip, and all the books that are in the British library."
"How would you read them? The screen's tiny."
"It reads the words out loud through the headphones."
"£30."
"It's worth more than that."
"The telephone won't work."
"Yes it will, it's got nine wavebands. It's intended to work in the third world. All the old mobile phone equipment was sold by the Americans and BT to countries like Nigeria. Any mobile phone network since mobile phones were invented can be understood by this thing."
"You've travelled fifty years back in time. There'll be no money on the account."
"It'll register with T Mobile. Just pretend it's a new phone. It works in exactly the same way."
"£40."
"It does all that and you only want to pay £40 for it?"
"It's more than you paid for it. I know where you got it from. That's a Euroland phone. Two tins of baked beans for a Euro, one tin of sausages for a Euro or one of those mobile phones. You spent more on your bus fare to the shop than you spent on that phone. £40. That's my final offer." The shopkeeper took £40 out of his wallet.
"OK. Thanks very much." The customer took the money in his hand. "Now to get a full bag of groceries at Tesco's for only one euro investment." He left the shop.

A woman came into the shop.
"I want to go back to 1969 to buy some fish fingers. They were better then."
"Yes," said the shopkeeper, "so many things were so much better then. Fish fingers were thicker."
"So how do I do this time travel thing, then?"
"You must have something to give me. Something I can sell for money in 1969."
"Jewellery?"
"I could sell jewellery, but I was thinking of something else. Something that was worth a lot more money in 1969 than it is now. Buy a portable radio. I'd be able to give you £5 for it back then. But in 1969 that's a day's wages."
"Will it be you that I actually sell the radio to when I get there?"
"Yes. I've worked at this shop since I left school in 1952. I won't look the same. But actually, I think I remember you. I think you're going to become a very regular customer." The woman left.

A teenage boy arrived with a small torch radio.
"My mate says you can send people way back in time to sell electrical goods for huge amounts of money, when things like this cost a week's wages."
"I can only send you back to the 1950s with one of those. It's VHF. They didn't have VHF until then."
"What other kind of radio is there?"
"If you really want to make money get something that's got medium wave. You can go back to the 1930s with those. My dad'll give you a fiver for one, but that was a lot of money then. People only earned £1 a week. Have you any idea what a Mars bar looked like in 1932?" The boy looked extremely excited. "If you're going back that far you need to take some batteries with you as well. They won't have mains, and they won't have any batteries of their own that fit. And if it takes cassettes, make sure you take a cassette or two to put in it. It's worth even more then." The boy left.

The woman returned with a transistor radio.
"Is this all right?" she asked. "It's a bit basic. I paid £12 for it." The shopkeeper took it out of the box.
"They're sometimes better a bit basic. It's got a handle and a dial. It's ordinary. Sometimes the things with digital controls and pocket calculator screens didn't really sell back then. Do you want to go into the machine now?"
"How long will it take?"
"I can bring you back to this precise minute. If you're late for work, I can even bring you back half an hour earlier." The woman went into the backroom. "Stand on that mat," said the shopkeeper. She stood on the mat and he pressed the switch on the wall.

"Have you turned it on yet?" asked the woman.
"I assure you I have," said the shopkeeper. The woman turned around.
"Oooh!" she exclaimed. She saw the same shopkeeper but instead of being an old man he was now in his thirties.
"You're in 1969," he said.
"Do you want the radio?"
"What radio is that?"
"We were discussing it only a few moments ago."
"Perhaps we were discussing it forty years in the future." The woman laughed. She took out the radio. "I'll give you a fiver for it," said the shopkeeper.
"I think it's worth more than that. It's got VHF. It's got a good aerial." The shopkeeper thought for a moment.
"£8. Because it's VHF, long and medium." He took out a £5 note and three £1 notes.
"Where could I get some really good fish fingers?" she asked.
"Marks and Spencer." The woman left the shop. She walked to the bus stop nearby. The bus arrived. She offered the bus driver a £1 note.
"Just get on the bus," said the driver. "The conductor'll be with you in a minute."
"Oh, I forgot. I've been away from this country for a long time."
"And I think you need something smaller than a £1 note. He won't want to change that." The woman left the bus. She needed to go and buy something with the £1 note to get some change. She went to have a cup of tea in a little cafe on the corner. She walked up to the counter and saw some sultana scones.
"One of those scones and a pot of tea please."
"That'll be two bob," said the woman behind the counter.
The woman took out the £1 note. The assistant took it and gave her a great big handful of change. She sat down, ate the scone and had her tea.

The woman got another bus to the City Centre. The conductor came. He was wearing a uniform and a cloth cap and carrying a big, metal ticket machine.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"The City Centre."
"Two and threpence."
She found two shilling coins and a threpenny bit.

In Marks and Spencer everything in the food hall was priced in shillings and pence. Instead of frozen meals there were more basic things. Fish fingers were three shillings sixpence. Quite big they looked, too. Beef burgers were one and eight. They looked better quality than some of the modern ones. They were made out of good meat. There were some frozen curries. She piled her basket full of fish fingers, beef burgers and other food. She went to the checkout to pay for the food. It was £2 6" 5'. What else was she going to do with the money? It wouldn't be legal tender in 2006. It wouldn't really be worth anything in 2006 either. She went into the ladieswear department. There was a beautiful dufflecoat for £8 10" 6'. That was more money than she had. She bought a blouse for £4 2" 6' and a pair of gloves for £1 3" 4'. She caught the bus back to the shop where she had used the time machine.
"Had a good day?" asked the man in the shop.
"That was wonderful. I bought a blouse, a pair of gloves, some fish fingers and some beef burgers. I wanted to buy a coat there, but I didn't have enough money. How about bringing a television back in time?"
"You have to be careful. The transmission system is different. The old black and white system we have is 405 lines. If you take a colour television back to the 1950s it won't work. What time are you from?"
"2006."
"Analogue television or digital?"
"They're still analogue."
"You could bring an analogue colour television back to 1969. Just about. A little colour portable. I could give you £50 for it. That'll finance a good shopping trip."
"I'm going to come back here next week with a portable colour TV and get enough money to do some serious clothes shopping."

The boy returned. He took a radio cassette player walkman out of a large sports bag.
"It's got medium wave," he said.
"That's good," said the shopkeeper. "You can go back to 1932 with that and it'll still work."
"I've got these batteries and I got a couple of cassette tapes from the market."
"My dad'll be able to hire it as a wireless/phonograph for two shillings a week. It's worth a little bit more with those."
"Can I go back now, then?"
"Yes." The shopkeeper led him into the back room. "Stand on the mat." The boy stood on the mat.
"Am I travelling time? I can't feel anything."
"You're travelling time all right." The boy turned around to see a different shopkeeper standing behind him. He was a young shopkeeper and was in his early twenties.
"Where did the old man go?"
"That was my son. Except I haven't had him yet. He's going to born in four years time. Welcome to 1932."
"I've brought this radio." The boy took the walkman out of the bag.
"That's a nice little headphone model. It's like a crystal set."
"What's a crystal set?"
"It's a radio with a big crystal and it doesn't need batteries."
"So it's crystal powered?"
"Not quite. It gets it's energy from the signal. That's why it needs a big aerial. Your radio doesn't need an aerial, but it needs a battery. Have you got some of those?" The boy took out the batteries he had bought. "Yes, well done. Alkaline batteries. Heavy duty for tape players. Got any tapes?" The boy took out the cassette tapes. "That's great. I can't get those back here. I'll give you £5."
"It's worth more than that."
"In 1932, £5 isn't the cost of a meal in a restaurant. It's a month's wages."
"You said that you liked the batteries."
"They're good quality, but I know you bought them from Poundland. How about £5 for the radio and £1 for the batteries and the tapes, £6 altogether?"
"I want £1 for the batteries and £1 for the tapes as well."
"Might I remind you, £1 is a week's wages here. Some people earn less than that. I can't sell those batteries for as much as you paid for them. £6 could buy an awful lot of sweets, more than you'd get in that bag."
"All right, £6." The shopkeeper gave the boy £6.

He left the shop and walked into a sweet shop. There were some strange looking sweets in jars.
"Have you got any Mars bars?" the boy asked.
"Yes," said the shopkeeper, picking one up from behind the counter.
"How much are they?"
"Threpence," said the shopkeeper.
"How much?"
"Three pence, one threpenny bit."
"How many could I get for a pound?" the boy took out a pound note. The shopkeeper laughed.
"I haven't seen one of those in here for a long time. There are twenty shillings in a pound and there are four mars bars for a shilling."
"Give me eighty Mars bars."
"I haven't got that many. I'll give you twenty." The shopkeeper counted out twenty Mars bars. "Five shillings, please."
"How much?" asked the boy.
"Give me the pound note." The shopkeeper took the pound note and gave the boy a large handful of change.
"I'll have some of that Fry's chocolate," said the boy.
"Approxiamately how much?"
"Approxiamately half of what you've got in the shop."
"Yes, that would be all right. Twenty bars of Fry's chocolate." The shopkeeper counted them out and the boy put all the chocolate bars in the sports bag. "Five shillings," asked the shopkeeper. The boy looked puzzled. "The little silver coins." The boy offered the shopkeeper a sixpence. "No, bigger than that." He picked up a two shilling coin. "Two of those and two of those little ones you had before." The boy gave the shopkeeper two two shilling coins and two sixpences.
"What else could I have for a pound?"
"I could give you a whole jar of Carr's caramels. I've got a whole jar here, and there's some more out the back." The shopkeeper picked up the jar and put it in the sports bag. "I've plenty of glass jars, no shortage of those. Ten shillings please." The boy picked up three of the big two shilling coins and looked puzzled. "Just give me the rest of the money I gave you," said the shopkeeper. "It's bound to add up to a pound." The boy gave the shopkeeper the rest of the change.
"I have another £5 to spend," said the boy, taking out a £5 note.
"What did you do, rob a bank?"
"I sold my radio."
"What's a radio?"
"I sold my wireless."
"To spend all the money on sweets?"
"It doesn't bother me, I've six other wirelesses in the house." The shopkeeper looked shocked. "Should I come back tomorrow?" asked the boy.
"No, no, don't come back tomorrow. I'll have no sweets left." The shopkeeper thought for a minute. "I tell you what, come back next week and bring two large suitcases. I'll order eighty Mars bars, I'll order eighty bars of Fry's chocolate, I'll give you as many loose sweets as you can possibly carry. This could be the start of a long and beautiful friendship. I could buy my family a decent house. I could buy a car. You buy as many sweets as my shop usually sells in a month."

The boy returned to the shop with the time machine.
"How did it go?" asked the shopkeeper.
"I've got my whole sports bag full of chocolate bars and sweets," he said, "but I've only spent a pound. That shopkeeper seemed absolutely terrified when I pulled out a five pound note."
"What did he say to you?"
"Come back next week with two large suitcases and I'll have some more sweets for you by then."
"Probably a good idea. I don't think any of my customers has ever bought sweets off him before and I don't think he's quite used to us. I could put an awful lot of business his way in the future. Stand on the mat." The boy stood on the mat, the shopkeeper pressed the switch on the wall, and the boy disappeared. A large group of young men appeared in his place. They were laughing and shouting. One of them was holding a CD player.
"How much will you give us for this CD player?" one asked.
"Has it got a radio on it?"
"Yes."
"Has it got medium wave?"
"Don't know. It's got AM and FM."
"AM is medium wave. Have you got any compact discs?"
"Why? They haven't been invented yet."
"I know they haven't been invented yet, but if you bring a few back in time I can give them to my customers. I can charge two shillings a week for a wireless gramaphone like that, even if it is only headphones. Where are the headphones?"
"I didn't bring any."
"Have you any batteries for it?"
"There's batteries inside it. I'm sure the radio would work, like."
"I like a few extra batteries. We have no batteries that would fit that thing in 1932."
"You could change the course of history," said one of the other men. "Inspire people to invent the CD player 50 years earlier."
"You couldn't," said the shopkeeper. "There are people living in the 1930s who know just as much about that thing as any of you do, but they couldn't go along to Radio Shack to buy a lazer emitting diode or an A to D converter chip, so it remains the stuff of science fiction."
"How much?" asked the man holding the CD player.
"£3," said the shopkeeper.
"It's worth at least £5."
"It's got no batteries and it's got no headphones. How do I even know it works?"
"It works, all right. Plug it into those speakers over there." The shopkeeper plugged the CD radio into the speakers and turned it on. He tuned into a radio station. It was playing some music. "Excellent," said the man who had brought the CD radio. "Those speakers were made for it. Rent the two together. They'll give you two shillings a week for that."
"£4," said the shopkeeper.
"How much would £4 buy?" asked another one of the young men.
"If a bottle of Brown Ale is sixpence," said another, "that means you can buy forty for a pound."
"160 bottles," said the man who had brought the CD radio, "that's enough for me. £4 it is."
"We close at 11 o' clock tonight," said the shopkeeper.
"Eleven o' clock?"
"Well, the pubs close at half past ten."
"Could we go to the night club afterwards?"
"What's a night club?" asked the shopkeeper. "Don't be too late back. I won't wait up."

The men left the shop and arrived at the pub about five minutes walk away. One of them pushed the door open and was met by a man in a suit.
"I'm sorry, we're closed."
"Closed? What time is it?"
"It's half past four in the afternoon."
"And you're closed?"
"Please come back at half past six tonight, Sir. That is when we open."
"Well, that's a bit of a shock."
"Should we go somewhere else and have a meal first?" asked another one of the men.
"Yes, I never like to get absolutely smashed out on an empty stomach," said another. "There must be somewhere nice in the town. Let's get a bus." They waited at the bus stop. The bus arrived. One of the men offered a pound note to the driver.
"What are you doing?" asked the driver.
"There's some money to pay the fare."
"You give it to the conductor, you don't give it to me. And haven't you got anything smaller? He won't want a pound note." They left the bus.
"I suppose we'll have to find a cafe here, then." They went into a cafe. It was the one on the street corner that had been there for a long time. In 2012, where they were from, it had been a bit of a dump. Here, in 1932, it was a palace by comparison.
"Ooh, this is nice," said one of the men as he sat on one of the tables and picked up one of the menus. "Proper food, not just fruit scones and jam tarts."
"Are you ready to order, Sir?" asked the waitress.
"I fancy roast beef and yorkshire pud. Is it proper vegetables, or do they come out of a tin?"
"We use only fresh vegetables here, Sir."
"The yorkshire pud, is it frozen?"
"I never heard of frozen Yorkshire Pudding, Sir."
"We have it in the States," said one of the other men, trying to save any embarrassment.
"What'll you have, Jeff?"
"I'll have roast chicken and Yorkshire Pudding." They all enjoyed their meal.
"This is good. Not just the tinned and frozen tripe you usually get."
"Tinned and frozen tripe?" asked the waitress. "Is that something else you have in the States?"
"Don't use the word tripe here," said one of the other men. "It means something." After they'd finished the meal the bill arrived.
"15 inches and 6 what?" asked one of the men.
"It means 15 shillings sixpence," said another.
"After that lovely meal, I think the waitresses deserve a pound." They put the money on the counter and left.

At half past six they arrived at the pub. The man with the suit who had told them to leave in the afternoon was standing behind the bar. One of the men held up a pound note.
"Everybody want brown ale? Yeah? Ten bottles of brown ale please." The barman gave them each a bottle of Brown Ale and a ten shilling note and some coins. "What's that?"
"It's a ten bob note."
"A ten bob note? How much is that worth."
"Ten shillings or 50p," said another one of the men.
"A banknote that's worth as much as a 50 pence piece?" The pub began to fill up with people who were all wearing strange old fashioned clothes. Many of the men had jackets on. One of them didn't. He wore a shirt with trousers that had braces. Some women were there but were all with their male partners. The brown ale didn't last long, but at 25p for ten bottles they had enough money for twelve each.
"Well, this is some good night out, isn't it?"
"Wouldn't you rather be at the quayside back at home?"
"We're not far away from it."
"I mean, wouldn't you rather be back in 2012? It's more exciting. The girls don't have their boyfriends with them and everybody's casually dressed."
"We came here for the cheap beer. We're all getting drunk for the price of an old CD player." At ten o' clock the bell rang.
"Last orders," shouted the barman.
"Last orders? It's only ten o' clock." shouted one of the men.
"Get some drinks in, quick," said another. "How much money have we got left?"
"One ten bob note." The man with the ten bob note walked up to the bar. "Twenty bottles of brown ale, please."
"I think you've had enough," said the barman. "You've done nothing since you came in here except drink."
"Well, what else does one do in a pub?"
"Talk to your family. Court your fiancee. All you lads want to do is get your brains smashed out. You've had ten pints each already. Some of you are falling over."
"Let's leave, then," he shouted to the other men.
"Yes Sir, it might be advisable."
They returned to the shop with the time machine.
"Was that a good night out?" asked the shopkeeper.
"Yes, it was a fantastic night out. We all got drunk for the price of an old CD player."

The woman who had travelled back to 1969 returned to the shop with a female friend. They were carrying a television. A man arrived with her, carrying three large suitcases.
"This is the analogue colour television you recommended," she told the shopkeeper. "My friend is helping me to carry it, and my husband and my friend will help me carry the suitcases. Let's go back to 1969 for some serious clothes shopping."