Like Orlando Bloom

My bad toe is trampled on
with suspicious reguarlity
on the tube at rush hour
the pain resembles retinas
becoming detached.

Sometimes it just throbs
and I feel like I am going to faint
as though I were a group of teenage girls
and my toe was The Beetles
or Orlando Bloom.

A girl I like trod on it
and I tried to not let her see
she was causing me pain
worse than childbirth.
Luckily she didn't see the water
dripping from my eyes.

I dropped a tomato
while cooking chilli
it landed on my toe
and may as well have been a bag of bricks
wrapped in concrete.

The safety shoes cost me £80
and make my ankles feel
like they're in straight jackets
but it's my toe
and when it hurts I want to squeal
like a camp Kenneth Williams.