Daddy A Boozer

By pinda

Sat, 18 Jul 2009
  • 1368 reads
5 comments
 

Scars.
Cuts.
Glass.
And pain.
Run,run.
Ignore the rain.
Daddy just drunk.
Gone insane.
Just perplexed.
Confused.
He's just complex.
He hits me.
To feel better son.
No, no.
Don't ever touch,
Never touch his gun.
But Ma, it has blood.
Blood?
Blood on the trigger, Ma.
Ok Pinda, get into the car.
Why Ma, why?
We need to get far.
If you don't we will die.

Certificate 12
Poem
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by Beeme on
Another really emotive piece, well done. Beeme

k.

Submitted by threeleafshamrock on
Wow, short, sharp and in your face with this one Pin; feel the fear. Chris

Submitted by pinda on
Thanks Beeme and 3leaf :)

Submitted by Jupiter on
Hi Pin. Don't know jack about what anyone else has ever written about physical poetic form (suppose I should make the time) - and been playing a little myself - but for me this strong piece has an urgency in parts which is conflicting with its laid-back layout. Scars - cuts - glass and pain run run ignore the rain conveys that immediacy more immediately to me than a more nursery rhymish layout. and when i read Daddy just drunk. Gone insane. - I'm thinking - get down to the hospital - FAST!! then Just perplexed. Confused. seems like a little respite before ... you get the picture. As I said before I know very little in this arena other than what works for my own eyes, however, it would be nice if someone who is used to, and understands the best way to convey this type of message, could step in and help you (and I) out here better than I am. Hopefully someone will. ;-) Nice poem mate - did I mention that? ;-)

Submitted by pinda on
Thanks for the help mate, suppose I agree with the conveying the immediacy. I do need to improve my layout