Old Man

Old Man

John Prine once wrote a song about old people. "Old people just grow lonesome, waiting for someone to say. Hello in there. I think about this song every now and again, wondering exactly when it was I got old.

When I look in the mirror, I see two different people. There is the man I am now of course, with grey hair and crows feet around my eyes. I am distinguished. Still, there is another person staring back at me. A 16 year old with a thin face and unweathered complexion that can bench press 200 pounds and with the dreams of the future and no concept of what it may hold.

When I was 16, I used to daydream about the turn of the millennium.

"I'll be an old man then. I imagined.

I passed that landmark years ago. Now, I daydream about being sixteen again.

I'm not totally certain, but I don't believe that my children consider me to be old. I am not on the senior citizens discount plan. I do not have my AARP card. I am pretty active too, playing golf and fishing. Nevertheless, isn't that what old men do? When my kids were growing up, they referred to me as the "Old Hippie. I always got a laugh out of that. Considering that I was never a "Young Hippie, somewhere along the line I transformed into an "Old Hippie. Maybe it was my pony tail, or perhaps it was the music I listened too. Maybe it was just them exploring my past and trying to connect the dots to the present, looking to find a place of comfort to put me in their minds. When I was young, they thought of me as old, but somewhere in time they gave up on that concept I've noticed. Maybe it is because they are getting older, approaching 30, with kids of their own. I think deep inside their thoughts, they are worried about getting old themselves, so the younger they make me, the younger they feel. I am not sure what they think of their mother though. We divorced many years ago, but I do see her on occasion and she looks old to me now. Maybe it's because I knew her when we were 16. Yes, that is it, she got older, but I stayed young. Never mind the fact that we are the same age.

My grandkids definitely think I'm old. Anybody with the name "Grandpa has to be old. That's a rule. I like this rule though. It provides a certain sense of liberty I didn't enjoy when I was raising my children. The old cliché is in full effect here, "If only I knew then what I know now. I was a good dad when I was raising my kids, but I've discovered that grandkids allow me a second chance to fix those little mistakes.

For one thing, I can get away with being more foolish with my grandkids than I ever thought of being with my kids. My grandson and I have fart contests. Not the most dignified of things I know, but he likes it and he is not going to get away with that around his mother. I give him the opportunity to explore the various methods that he wouldn't otherwise enjoy, and it is something he is going to do anyway, so why not have fun with grandpa in the process?

I do not fart with my granddaughter. She is a little more dignified perhaps. Me too. We enjoy other things instead. She likes the little stories I make up or the little goofy songs I sing to her. We both have a tendency to torture the English language. Mine on purpose, hers mainly a lack of practice.

She was having breakfast one morning, her father made breakfast burritos and she was enjoying the culinary delight when I asked her what she was eating.

"Breasted Beato's. She said.

I will never eat another burrito without the image of tiny breasts on a tortilla crossing my mind. Maybe it would make a good name for a female Hip Hop band.

There are physical clues to old age I have discovered. One of these clues is the fact that I can hurt myself doing nothing. I woke up one morning and was lying in bed trying to decide on rather or not to get up. I pulled a neck muscle thinking about it. I spent the next two days having to turn my whole body to look at something.

Another thing is my toenails. I used to have really good toenails. Nice and clear, even growth, solid. Toenails to be proud of. Now, they grow at odd angles and look dried out. My big toes get ingrown about 3 times a year too. When did that start happening? I was not paying attention.

At my last checkup, my eye doctor asked me how I felt about my worsening vision. How am I supposed to respond to a question like that? "Oh, I'm quite pleased that I can't read a book without a microscope. I now have seven pairs of glasses, one for each possible lighting condition outdoors or indoors. They also make good snacks for the dogs, I've discovered. No telling what they taste like though.

They say that after 40, you are supposed to have a medical checkup every year. I am way behind on this. I had one when I was 40, just to get the ball rolling, but I haven't been back since. I figure, I was doing fine then, what could possibly have gone wrong since?

When I was 16, I stood six feet tall and weighed 165 pounds. Everybody gains weight as they get older, but what they do not tell you is that you shrink also. Now that I'm older, I have lost an inch in height and picked up 30 pounds in weight. Something is not right here, by my calculations I should have lost about 3 pounds with that inch. Upon closer observation, I have figured out what happened. I went from a 30 inch waist to a 36 inch waist. Miraculously, I have grown rounder over the years. This is a good thing, now I can literally roll out of bed. I should be able to compensate for the increased propensity to pull neck muscles if I apply the correct technique.

I've realized something else about getting old. I do not drive the same way I did when I was a kid. I now actually observe the posted speed limits and don't need to race from traffic light to traffic light. This is a cool thing once you realize it. I can creep along in traffic and keep up with the teenagers that have to drag race to the next stop light. I just look at them and smile. "Did you have fun? I won't be buying new tires next month. You? I've noticed something else about teenage drivers. I think it's a state law. When they are lost, traffic laws do not have to be obeyed. They will drive around, stopping in the middle of intersections, running stop signs, driving in the wrong lane. I know now why automobile insurance gets cheaper when you get older.

One thing I've noticed with young people. They cringe at the thought of old people having sex. As if sex is reserved for the young, ha! They will find out soon enough, if they are lucky. Sex is better when you're older. It's true I do not quite have the stamina I once did and I no longer approach the activity as if I were a jackhammer connected to a 500 horse power compressor. There's no longer a need to finish the task in 30 to 40 seconds. I am a better lover now. I take the time to make sure all angles are explored and all needs are met, not just my own. Hugging afterwards is a good thing I have discovered.

My father had a saying, which I use from time to time. "You don't have to get old. As if he knew some secret remedy for preventing old age. "All you have to do is die young. He would add. The more I think about this, the more insightful it sounds. If I don't want to get old, all I have to do is die young.

I've decided that I am glad to be old and I am looking forward to getting older too.