LOCAL POET SLAMS PRESS

Extra stupid!
Extra petty!
Read all about it!
Sweaty bearded barkers tout it!
Spouting incoherent nonsense '
What's he shouting?
Beans on toast!
Beeeeans on toast!
And perhaps we shouldn't doubt it.
News with all the intellectual clout
Of an ineffectual trout
In a drought
Hopping about a bit.

It's all the news unfit to print
It's useless shit, morally skint
Abusive views of clueless bints
And gents with shifty recessed squints
It's local news, for local twats,
It isn't fit for paper hats
Or soaking up the piss of cats
Or swatting wretched ASBO brats

While millions starve
And oceans rise
And kidnappers set deadlines
The local press get on the case
With scores of shocking headlines:

LOCAL MAN IN LOST TUPPENCE MISERY
RESIDENTS SLAM NEW HOUSING SCHEME
SCAMPI BINGE ENDS TRAGICALLY
LOCAL PARAPLEGIC'S KUNG FU DREAM

RESIDENTS SLAM REDEVELOPMENT PLANS
DRUNK YOBS BRING COLOUR TO VILLAGE FAIR
RESIDENTS SLAM NEW TRAFFIC-CALMING MEASURES
TRICORNE VANDALS TARGET MAYOR

WHY WAS PERVERT GIVEN SPACESHIP?
WHY WAS DEATH BOY GIVEN GUN?
RESIDENTS SLAM NEW KIDS' PLAYGROUND
RESIDENTS SLAM HARMLESS FUN

RESIDENTS SLAM BROTHEL CLOSURES
RESIDENTS SLAM 'EYESORE' SCHOOL
RESIDENTS SLAM OPS FOR TODDLERS
RESIDENTS SLAM OFFSIDE RULE

LOCAL PILLOCKS TILT AT WINDMILLS
RESIDENTS SLAM DOOR ON SENSE
MINDLESS TOSH MAKES LOCAL HEADLINES
JOY AS MAN FINDS LOST TUPPENCE

LOCAL JOURNOS 'WORKSHY GRIFTERS'
LOCAL PAPER 'TAWDRY RAG'
STORIES 'FISHED OUT CHIP SHOP DUSTBINS'
EDITOR EARNS 'SATAN' TAG

LOCAL NUT RIGS SELF WITH SEMTEX
LOCAL JOURNOS SLAIN IN BLAST
RESIDENTS SLAM HEADS IN OVENS
LOCAL PEACE RESTORED AT LAST