I love Ellen, she gives me a boner.

22nd March 2004.

Crikey this year is zipping along. It??ll soon be Christmas, another
bloody Christmas to get through. But, first we have summer and I love
summer. It??ll soon be my favourite day of the year, in fact, I think
it might be this week, the day the clocks go forward. I love it.

Had a good weekend. Rick came on Saturday. We went to Kez??s . I felt
really guilty because I sprung it on Rick without any notice. He was
due to arrive at about eight. I knew he??d be tired, he??d worked
nights all week and Saturday was his daughter??s eighth birthday so he
spent all day doing family things. Yes, with his wife, swimming, and
her with a good body. I??m a big girl, I can deal with this.

Kez rang about seven and invited us round there for the evening. They
were having one of their family get-togethers. I said that I couldn??t
because I was expecting Rick and she said that, of course, he was
invited as well. I told Kez that I??d ring him and see how he felt
about it but not to be offended if I declined because we??d already
planned a quiet night in with a DVD. I rang Rick and he said he was up
for it, so off we went. Poor lad never even got a cup of coffee when he
walked through the door. Quick snog and we were off. I had been hoping
to use him as an excuse to get out of it. Maybe I was concerned about
doing the big, ??family,?? thing with him. If it doesn??t work out, it
will be another notch on the bedpost, another failure, another time
that I??ve messed up. My brother and his wife, my niece and my nephew,
have all been with their partners for fifteen years plus (my brother
30+). I just can??t seem to get it right. When I tell Rick about things
from my past, there seem to be so many of them. I??ve slept with eleven
men now and there??ve been probably that many again that I didn??t have
a relationship or become intimate with but met at least once. I know
I??ve said this before, but I don??t want to become a sad old slapper.
Is there an exact age and number after which you attain a,
??reputation??? I must be on the threshold if not right in the throng
of the tart??s temple. I know my family think I??m ??loose?? because
they??ve picked one and stuck with it through bad and worse. I want
Rick to be the last man I ever have sex with. In a year??s time will I
be writing my diary and still be on the same head count? Or will it be
a case of, ??Come in number eleven your time??s up??? With the
exception of Si, (and that was a weird mix of feelings that should
never have happened, but in a way was inevitable) and Tom. Every man
I??ve ever slept with has been forever, but one by one they??ve turned
away from me. I hope to God I??ve got it right at last.

The night was okay. Poor Greg got in at seven to be greeted by Kez with
her feet up and an excited daughter, telling him that there were
fifteen due for dinner in an hour??s time and nothing was even
prepared. That??s our Kez, you have to admire her style. We just walked
through the door as the food was ready and Greg had prepared enough for
an army and it looked delicious. I felt sorry for Rick. He must have
felt awkward thrust into the throng of strangers. He didn??t eat much,
maybe he wasn??t hungry. I know he??d eaten before coming out or maybe
he felt shy. I don??t blame him.

I got myself a small plate, the big ones just look ridiculous with the
amount I have. I had some pasta and one new potato. I??m going to have
some signs made saying, ??Sooz??s, hands off!?? to put on everything
from mugs of coffee to food. I had a bit of my pasta and put the plate
down. Sure enough, when I came back for it, it had been thrown away and
washed up. It??s the same at Rick??s house. I will happily trail the
same cup of coffee round with me all day. I put it down somewhere and,
??as if by magic,?? it??s been poured away and a new one put in its
place. I??ll have to get inventive and start hiding my cups of coffee.
I could put it in the toilet cistern, or the rubbish bin, hide one at
the back of the rabbit hutch, he won??t think of looking there.
??

I think the family all liked him. That??s worrying in itself. They??ve
never liked any of my other men. To be honest, I couldn??t give a damn
if they like him or not. It??s not important. Obviously, it helps that
they do seem to like him but when it comes down to it the only person
who needs to like him is Marty and there??s no problem there. I rang
Kez yesterday to thank her for Saturday night. I didn??t ask her
opinion about Rick because it??s not important to me. But she said that
he is totally different from anyone else I??ve been with and that he
has, ??twinkly eyes??. Kez said that she doesn??t know what I see in
him ?K hmmm bit of jealousy creeping in there methinks.

We watched a couple of stand up comedian things, Tommy actually spoke
directly to me and he remembered Rick??s name. I appreciated
that.

Marty has a new annoying habit. It??s rude and bad mannered and I??ve
told him that I will stop taking him anywhere with me if he doesn??t
pack it in. Half an hour after getting somewhere he says in a bored,
whiney voice, ??When are we going home??? He did it at Kez??s and again
at Ricks on Sunday.

Rick is so thoughtful. I was really pleased with Marty at the weekend
because he was pretty well behaved. I told him that was the best
Mother??s Day pressie he could give me and not to bother taking any
money out of the bank to buy me anything. Sunday Morning there was a
beautiful card and present waiting for me. Rick had brought them with
him for Marty to give to me. The card has a smiley star magnet that is
currently hanging from my monitor and had a really nice message. Marty
topped it off with writing something meaningful of his own, and I had a
beautiful box of pot pouri too. Marty was so chuffed that he had
something to give to me. It was a beautiful thing for Rick to think of
doing. It??s little things like that which make him so different.

Sunday he sorted out my car. It had a multitude of little niggly things
wrong with it, so he decided that when he left I??d follow him to his
house and he??d get my car in the garage and spend the afternoon
working on it. I now have music and a heater, hazard lights and a
window washer. He??s stuck the bonnet catch up so that it doesn??t
knock on the fan and he??s tightened this and that, clutch and
accelerator. And ?K he bought me a new battery and mobile cover for my
phone. So that is working again. I tend to not fix things. If things
break, I either buy new ones or do without them. I think he thinks that
I need looking after, which isn??t really true... but ssshhh, it??s
nice to feel cared about, so I??m not telling him. He??s not being over
the top or too ostentatious, if he starts spending too much money, then
I??ll ask him to stop, but the things he does for me are so nice and I
appreciate them.

I??ll be changing my car again in a few months when the tax runs out. I
always buy my cars with no tax but a full MOT. I put six months tax on
and when that runs out I put another twelve months tax. That means that
I get eighteen months out of the car. If I get pulled in the last six
month period, I??ll just smile sweetly, and tell the nice policeman
that I thought the MOT was due to run out when the tax does. Then I??ll
just cross my fingers tight and hope for the best. My foolproof plan
has worked well so far. So old, Fearless Freda, is due to be scrapped
soon. I??m going to have to make sure I get something with a bit more
poke. It won??t go over eighty, I had to change right down to first to
get up some of the hills that Rick sailed up without even noticing
them. I didn??t dare overtake on short dual carriageways because she
just doesn??t have the power to move and having me tagging on added
half an hour to a one and a half hour journey. The drive to his house
is beautiful, but it??s a nightmare, tight, twisty twindy little roads,
Kamikazee animals that leap out in front of you, and bloody great drops
at the side of the road that would plunge you into oblivion. I am not
the best driver in the world. In fact, I??m probably the worst driver I
know. I can see me hitting something on that narrow track. I refuse to
call it a road. I dread one of those situations where a car is coming
towards you and you feel obliged to reverse. I can??t do backwards,
it??s not something I??ve ever got the hang of. If I had to reverse
I??d drive right over the edge and end up in a crumpled heap somewhere.
The weather was terrible and rain was sheeting down, that didn??t help
any. I enjoyed it though, even when we hit the twisty bit and Rick,
knowing I??d be stressed, kept waving a packet of cigs in his rear view
mirror at me.

I sort of fell off the, no smoking, wagon again. Rick usually only
smokes cigars but came with a pack of cigs on Saturday ?K and then he
told me off for smoking them. Now I ask you, how is that my fault when
he brought them? I have promised him and Marty that I will try not to
smoke anymore. I was a bad girl today and had one, but one is good
after having loads on Saturday and Sunday. It also gives me something
to improve on tomorrow.

Marty is in trouble with school again. When is that kid going to learn?
It looks as though he might be in for another exclusion. He??s having a
meeting with the head in the morning and I??m not allowed to be
included. I was pleasant on the phone to the head and didn??t get on my
high horse, but I did ask that some alternate form of punishment be
found this time. I??m hoping that they go for detentions. I??m furious
with him. He promised me faithfully that his dirty talk and girl stuff
would stop after last time. The funny thing is, he hates me using bad
language and is the first to tell me off. I know what he??s going
through is perfectly normal for a kid of his age, or at least I think
it is. In fact, I??d say the type of stunt he??s pulling is tame in
comparison to what went on when I was at school, the lads were animals.
Luckily, I wasn??t a popular kid, so didn??t get any hassle from
them.

The latest trouble is something he wrote in a book he took to
school.

I love Ellen.
She makes me happy when I see her.
She gives me a boner.

Again, I think it??s an over reaction to exclude him for this, though
this time they are talking about exclusion and not expulsion so that??s
something. On Friday, Marty was shot in the head with a BB gun. They
fire steel ball bearings. For the most part, if you get shot with one,
they sting. I know first hand because the lads used to fire them at me
out of the dorm windows when I was at school. Marty was hit in the
head, an inch from his eye. He could have been blinded. What??s been
done about it? Nothing!

I told Marty that the feelings he??s having are normal for a boy of his
age. I have given him permission to write them down and not be ashamed
of them. I??ve told him he can fill the page full of profanity and smut
if he wants to. But, please let him have the sense to open a document
in his computer and keep them private. Why the hell he had to write his
thoughts in a book he took to school and then show them to one of his
classmates is beyond me. He knows damned well that the school think
he??s a pervert with deviant persuasions. Why do they have to make such
a big deal out of it? He??s going to grow up thinking that he is
abnormal. He??s going to have to start thinking about his actions a bit
more.

On Saturday night he made it very clear that he was bored. Eventually,
he went off to play a game of monopoly with Ella, my great niece. I am
probably being paranoid here, but I wondered if Tommy and Greg, or even
Kez herself, were wondering if it was safe to leave Ella alone in
Marty??s company. Nothing was said and I never caught any glances
passed between them, but I was conscious of the situation. I just want
him to behave himself and be happy.

I??ll be glad when the newness of the relationship wears off with Rick.
At the moment I hate leaving him, which is stupid, I have a busy and
active life. It??s the perfect relationship really, we are always happy
to see each other. Our time is precious so we try not to waste it, and
we have lots of time to do the things that we both want to or have to
do when we aren??t together. But when he goes I miss him like
hell.

He told me that he loves me this weekend. That scares me. I don??t
think that he was spinning me a line like men have in the past. I think
he means it insomuch as he feels the feelings. But if he really does
love me, then one day he??s going to have to come out in the open about
our relationship and he??s going to have to tell me that his wife is
out of his heart in terms of a relationship and mean it. He??s not
ready to do either of those things yet.

He really threw me a curve ball this last week. He told me the truth,
he??s never been anything but honest, I dissected the various bits of
information and put them back together wrong, so the misunderstanding
was my fault, not his. Weeks ago, he told me that he??d found out about
his wife??s affair fourteen months ago. He said that it all came to a
head on New Years Eve and he gave her the, him or me, ultimatum. They
separated soon afterwards. I thought he meant the year before last, but
he didn??t, he meant the New Years Eve just gone. My understanding was
that he??d been single for fourteen months when in fact, his wife and
little girl only left just over two months ago. That terrified me.
Especially when he told me that Viv??s taken a lease on a place for
just six months and that it was supposed to be a trial separation. What
the hell happens when her time is up? What if she decides she??s got
too much to lose? Where does that leave me? Rick??s very much a family
man. He??s finding it tough juggling his work and his kids, even though
he does a fantastic job. He??s always running round when he should be
sleeping because he lives in the middle of nowhere. ?K And, worst of
all, he admits himself that he still has strong feelings for his wife.
I know that if it came to her wanting to try again he??d think it
through properly. He can be impetuous and I like that, but mainly his
personality is to err on the side of caution and make sure he??s making
sound decisions. I know that I??m not a three legged horse and that
some points swing in my favour. I??m loyal and would never be
unfaithful to him for one. But, he has fourteen years history with her.
He has less than a month with me. If he chose her his life would go
back to normality. Everything would be ordered and sorted again he??d
have far more time for himself and she could take on more of the
running around and household stuff. Most of all, he??d have Kay back
and I know he misses her terribly and is full of the guilt that comes
with a recent break up and the effect that it has on the children.
There??s a huge balance on putting things back the way they were. We
were talking it through this weekend and he said that if he did have
his wife back it would only be for the sake of getting his family back
together.

It put a new slant on things and rocked me a bit. In a way I want Viv
to want him back. Then, if he did choose to be with me, I??d know that
it wasn??t because he couldn??t be with her, that I??m not just the
second choice or the making do. I struggled with my feelings from
Wednesday until I saw him on Saturday. I wasn??t sure how I felt, apart
from vulnerable. But, when I saw him, it cleared my head for me. I have
no choice and I??m glad that I have no choice because it??s the way I
want it. I have no intention of pulling back emotionally, the way I did
with P, waiting to see what happens before committing myself. I only
have one choice and that is to trust him and let things take their
course. That??s what I??m going to do and that??s what I??m happy to be
doing.

Rick says he loves me. He treats me well and makes me happy. He
doesn??t lie to me, he turns me on and he makes my days brighter. I
trust him totally. If he does end up back with his wife, then it??s not
something that he will do lightly.

I need for Rick to read my diaries re P. The similarities in
circumstance are almost identical. Only with him it was current wife
and girlfriend rather than current and ex wife. I think he would
understand my worries better after reading them. I KNOW Rick isn??t
back with Viv as P was with his woman. I have no doubt at all about
that but otherwise the situations are so similar it??s scary. I??m not
comparing Rick with P, there is no comparison and that wouldn??t be
fair on him. But the facts cause niggles here and there.

Haven??t heard from the publishers yet.

I??ve had a hectic day today. After work this morning I went into town.
I wore a white denim (18) skirt that I??ve never worn before because it
was too small when I bought it. I also wore a pair of brown boots to
walk into town. It??s not far and figured that if they started to nip a
bit, I wouldn??t be far from home. ??Nip a bit,?? I almost ended up
crawling home. On the way back, I called in at Martha??s shop and
*demanded* that she give me her trainers to get home in. Poor Martha,
she reluctantly gave up her footwear and had to stand in the shop in
her stocking feet. She knows I??m a bugger for practical jokes and made
me promise that I??d go back with them as soon as I got changed and not
leave her standing in her socks all day. It was temping, but I??m not
that cruel. I??ve taken all the skin of my heels and it??s damned
sore.

I got home to find message after message on my machine from Mary. She
came down and looked awful. I swear one day, I??m going to find her
dead in her house. I insisted on calling a doctor out to her. She only
agreed because she needs a sick note for work. Her chest is terrible
but the prognosis was predictable, cut down on the fags and drink.??
She really annoyed me because I went out of my way to try and help her,
but she still bought sixty fags and six cans of Special Brew. I??ll be
very surprised if she??s still around this time next year.

Martha and I couldn??t do Tesco??s as normal after work because she had
the plasterer in doing her ceilings and I was sorting Mary out. So we
had to go at half past nine. That??s okay, we are, Thelma and Louise we
are daring and dashing enough to go shopping at that time of night. We
were even wild enough to go without having our usual milky coffee??s,
see, untamed, unpredictable beasts we are. I did put some shoes on
first though.

Once in Tesco??s a strange compulsion took me over. I??ve knocked the
actimel on the head, too expensive, too many calories, too much
bacteria on an empty stomach. So I needed something else to give me the
feel good factor. Nope, couldn??t do that, Rick isn??t here ?K so?K. I
looked at the clothing fantasising about being slim enough to buy
clothes from a supermarket instead of a fat bastard shop. To be honest
nothing really grabbed my interest. They were all a bit nondescript and
boring. I was just looking, honest. And then Martha and I got pratting
around in the underwear section. Marty was mortified, bless him and
wandered off in embarrassment. Andi moaned loudly that her mum was
showing her up, but didn??t seem to mind that I was pressing cup sizes
onto my boobs (over my top of course) to see if they??d fit, or that I
asked Martha if the white or plum set looked better against my skin
tone. I told a passing shop assistant that I needed some new underwear
because I was using my old bras as peg bags and baby gorilla
hammocks.

I ended up buying four bra/thong sets. Get this though I??m down from a
44DD to a 38 C, isn??t that brilliant? I bought them thinking that
they??d be a good couple of sizes too small, but when I tried them on
they weren??t too bad. The knickers are a size sixteen.

Sixteen ?K yeeeeeesssss.

I also bought a pair of size sixteen trousers. I didn??t think they??d
fit me yet because, I only got into eighteens properly last week, but
they fit perfectly. I intend to pull the label out so that everyone can
see the size. Still a long way to go, but I??m getting there and
heading in the right direction. I just wish my belly would go
faster.

The other day, I had my biggest jeans on. Size 26. They are enormous
and kept falling off my hips. The bum is so saggy that the crotch is
down by my knees, but they are okay for slobbing round the house. Mary
said that they looked bloody awful and to get them thrown in the bin.
That made my night. Rick said that he can tell that I??ve lost a stone
and a half since I met him. I??ve got an appointment with my dietician
on the 29th and I??ve well made my self-imposed monthly target
already.

Oh, I got a swimming cossy today as well, so Kez and I are going
swimming on Monday.

Size sixteen trousers!

Things are right, things are good.
Things are going as they should.