London, friendship and fallout.

Friday 6th August 2004.

Not long now, leaving for London in little over three hours. I'm calmly
excited. Not really in full holiday swing. I'm glad that Marty's
coming. I'm tired after working all night but not too bad. We are not
going down the restaurant tonight because we have to go to the hotel
and check in. Martha and Andi are though. Marty and I are going to dump
our stuff at the hotel and wander out to find a take away or something.
At least it means a night's sleep tonight which is probably a good
idea.

Martha is not coming to the Allbarone tomorrow because she wants to do
her own thing ? fine. She says she'll meet us at the poetry cafe. On
Sunday they are going up the West End. Marty and I want to go to
Camden. So we'll meet briefly on Saturday night if they turn up and
then probably meet again at the station to come home. I think that's
probably for the best the way I'm feeling.

Marty tells me this morning that Andi isn't coming back with us on
Sunday. She's staying in London with J. That means I've paid sixty
seven pounds for her return ticket when a single would have done. I am
brimming with resentment and am feeling used. I've paid for their trip
to London, they are hardly going to spend any time with us and I wish I
hadn't bothered.

I was thinking about my personality last night. If I had to describe
myself, somewhere near the top of the list would be laid back, easy
going and a bloody good friend. I think I'm having myself on. I don't
think I'm any of those things really. I'm laid back and easy going as
long as I'm getting my own way. If people are playing to my rules then
I'm a great person to get along with. As soon as they get the wrong
side of me, I'm a cow.

Martha has been a good mate to me. But because I've had to cancel our
holiday I can barely stand to look at her at the moment. I think things
are going to come to a head over the weekend. I'm angry, resentful and
tired. I'm going to be stuck on a train with her for five hours. She's
so headstrong and opinionated that I just know that I'm going to get
narky. And if she doesn't backdown and placate me we'll probably end up
in a full blown row. I wanted to clear the air before we went away but
haven't had the chance. I went round last night with Marty. This woman,
who I'm slagging to the hills and back, was bitch enough to have Marty
for me last night so that I could go to work. She's such a bitch that
she has him at least one night a week and sometimes three or four.
She's such a selfish cow that she gets nothing at all for doing that
for me. It's not as though I split my night's wage with her or
anything.

So we went around last night, J and the rest of the family were there
so I never got to talk to her properly. She knows I'm bloody annoyed
though because J wound me up. She said that once she gets down to
London and actually starts training under her dad she might hate it and
want to come home again.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I blew and didn't hold any
punches. But in my frustration I said exactly the opposite of what I
wanted. If she gets bored and comes home it might not be too late for
us to re-book the holiday and if I crawl to my boss enough she might
just take me back for the fifth time. she's always had me back before.
I turned on Martha and said.

"You'd better bloody hope that she doesn't back out. I've disrupted my
entire life to accommodate you lot. I've given up my job and a holiday
that we desperately wanted to go on. If it's all been for nothing I'll
be bloody furious."

She just replied very petulantly, "I'm not going to back out, it's her
who isn't sure."

That is looking promising. I hope to God J and Maurio clash like hell
in the first few days, which I could easily see happening and she
flounces off home in a paddy. I just hope that if that happens it
happens before my notice has run out at work and before the holiday is
all booked up. Though whether I could afford that now is iffy after
paying out for the B&;amp;B and some new clothes and trainers for
Marty.

Marty is all showered and ready to go. He's wearing his brother's
necklace because he wants to look grown up. We are all set and ready
for off.

Tuesday 10th August 2004.

Friday night ? London.

Back from London, we had a mixed time.

Let's do Martha first and get the unpleasant bit out of the way. She
pissed me off beginning to end of the weekend. We have an argument
looming. We *need* to have an argument to get our grievances aired and
then maybe afterwards we can see if we have a friendship left. Things
keep happening to stop it happening and the tension is building between
us by the day. I can't stand to be in her company at all at the
moment.

We set off for the train. I'd had no sleep for three days and wasn't my
scintillating best. Mark was hyper and excited. I'm not making excuses
for him, but he's twelve years old and was looking forward to his first
holiday in London, of course he was excited. I saw a raised eyebrow
look pass between Andi and Martha and that pissed me off. Martha had
made it very obvious that Marty wasn't welcome.

They sat in front of us on the train to Lancaster and didn't speak
once. Fine! We changed trains and I couldn't believe it when Martha
took the last two seats in a full carriage and told us we'd have to
find somewhere else to sit. Marty and I found a table space with four
seats three carriages down from them, a lady was sitting there but said
we could join her and that she'd be leaving at the next station. A few
minutes before I sent Marty down with their tickets and told him to ask
them to join us as the next station. They didn't move and stayed where
they were for the entire journey to London.

By the time we got off the train I was boiling. I had paid for their
tickets and they didn't even have the manners to sit with us. The first
thing I said when I saw them on the platform was, "I'm really annoyed
that you didn't come to sit with us." She replied that she'd found a
table seat too and didn't' want to move. Marty was hungry so we decided
to get something to eat in the station before we went to our hotel. I
thought they would go straight to Knightsbridge because they were
anxious to get to pizza pom. But, they got a coffee with us and sat at
the table. Martha asked what was wrong with me. I'm not very good at
hiding my feelings and when I'm angry about something people tend to be
aware of it. I told her that I was very annoyed about being pushed into
having her shop and that I felt bullied into it.

"Well, I'm not happy either, Sooz."

Here we go, this had been brewing for days. Right in the middle of KFC
too, nice one.

"You're trying to make me feel guilty about this Sooz. I feel as though
I'm in the wrong. It's not fair."

Now we were getting somewhere. At last a chance to get things out in
the open and tell each other how we really felt.

I opened my mouth to speak. I was seething with resentment and was
angry.

Her phone rang. It was J. Martha had to rush off. The moment was
lost.

Marty and I went to our hotel. We were in a good mood and had fun. We
were both tired and once we got to the hotel neither of us felt like
going out again. Marty made coffee, tea for him and we picked our beds,
unpacked and settled down for the night.

I thought I would have gone out like a light. I never slept at all. Not
a single second all night. It was a tiny room with only one small
window for ventilation. The room was like an oven. There was no air and
the heat from the lower floors had risen and baked. It was awful. I got
up at six to shower. I'd forgotten to bring my meds and the heat had
accelerated the symptoms of my monkey disease.