Julia end chapter 3 plus chapter 4

The man left and she closed her eyes. She was desperately tired, as if her whole life had been lived in the space of a few hours.  One moment she was a young girl and the next an old woman, another moment having children, the next wishing they had been born to someone else. So it went, snatches of her past flicking through time as though someone was constantly shuffling her memory looking for something good.  Each newly appearing recollection was the antithesis of the last so that for every event there was an equal and opposite one, and she had this deep feeling that once they had all been aligned, things would stop forever.  Oh how she longed for that moment!  To stop pretending, to be allowed to let it all go.  How long could anyone be expected to keep up the pretence that life was anything other than a sham, a terrible game where your hand was always worse than others, and where if you managed by some unexpected miracle to get a winning flush it would all be taken away from you by someone redefining the rules. 

‘Mother, mother!’  JAnet opened her drowsy eyes to see Valerie standing in the room. ‘I came as soon as I heard.’  She should have been pleased to see her youngest daughter, but felt a resistance to her.  She did not want anyone to know what had happened, it was private affair.  To open it up to others would make it real, and she was not sure she could cope with reality any more. Never the less there she was, standing like the wallflower she had always been. Why was she blessed with one shrinking Violet and one Wild Child? Couldn’t she have had a blend of the two like everybody else in her social circle?

‘How are you feeling?’ asked Valerie. She took a moment to reflect on the question, ‘how was she feeling?’ Eventually she said.  ‘I'm tired.’

‘Well of course you are’ responded Valerie. ‘You’ve been through an ordeal.’

How did she know?  How could she possibly know what she had been through?  ‘Who told you I was here?’ she asked.

‘The Police contacted me.  I was down as next of kin on your medical records, you remember we did that last year?’ She remembered full well.  It was when Julia was taken out of the will, and off all records, after the massive row they had had about her father. He had died years ago but had managed to retain a foothold in the family like some ghostly non-executive member of the board. 

‘Did they tell you everything?’ she asked.

‘You mean about Brian?’

‘They obviously did’ she sighed.  Her disappointment was overwhelming.  She had hoped against hope that the news would wait until she was strong enough to deal with questions about it.       

‘Yes, they asked me whether I knew where he might be. Well of course as I told you when we spoke, I have no idea where he lived in London or in fact anything about him.’  Valerie continued.

‘Did he give you any indication there was something wrong?’ Her mother turned her head away as if avoiding looking at Valerie would enable the question to disappear too.

‘Why didn’t you stop him’ she hissed.

‘Pardon?’ Valerie stepped back, such was the venom issuing from her mothers mouth.

‘You let him do this to me!’ Her face hardened and looked strangely wizened as though the drips attached to her arm had suddenly drained her veins rather than enriching them.

‘What do you mean?’ asked Valerie.

‘You must have seen what he was doing’ she continued.

‘I don’t understand. You are obviously not thinking straight mother, it’s the medication.’  Valerie made a valiant attempt to stand her ground.

‘It’s not the medication Valerie.  I am perfectly able to see what has happened, you encouraged me to take up with him.  I remember the phone call when you said ‘it’s about time you began your life again. Found yourself someone to share your life with.’

‘Yes but that was just wanting you to be happy. I was just….’

‘If you had been less encouraging I might have given the situation more thought. Taken more time. You and Geoffrey should have been able to advise me, warn me….’

Valerie’s face hardened.

‘You can’t blame Geoffrey and me for this.  We were taken in by Brian in just the same way that you were. How could we have known this was going to happen? I mean a fraudster, a bigamist?’

‘Don’t say that word! Don’t ever say that word in front of me again.’ Valerie swallowed hard.  Her face had drained and her mother knew that despite the fact she wanted to tear her to shreds she did not have the strength to do it. 

‘I need to sleep’ her mother said.  Valerie left the room without another word.

Chapter 4    As soon as the phone rang Julia knew it was bad news. She’d always possessed a strangely intuitive knowledge when it came to difficult moments in life. On the basis that it was bad news and she’d already had more than enough that morning, she decided not to answer it.

Earlier that day she’d received a letter from her employers stating her services were no longer be required due to the forthcoming installation of TV cameras in the courts.  Her primary source of income was about to cease.

Michael was annoyingly philosophical about it, as he always was about other people’s problems.  During their brief discussion at breakfast he could not see how important it was that she was self supporting and had something interesting to do with her life. Instead he said ‘we’ll manage’ which meant he was thinking about the money and not her independence.  

When she tried to talk about her mother and what had happened at Cove House he became positively aggressive. The gap between them was widening. Day by day subtle erosion was taking place. The once flourishing nature of their relationship was rapidly disappearing as the fertile soil of their early years was washed away by the drip, drip, of daily disagreements and she felt that one day they would be standing on the edge of a desert with no way back.  She was tired to her bones, her fighting spirit almost gone.  The last battle had been fought as she’d walked away from Cove House, knowing she could never go back.

 Julia heard the phone start again.  She drew breath and counted to ten, trying to calm her mind. There were only three people who called the house phone, her mother, Valerie, or Michael.  So which one was it? She deliberately took her time getting to the phone hoping it would stop before she reached it, that way she could at least tell herself she had made an effort and it wasn’t her fault. Sure enough her timing was immaculate.  As she reached forward to pick up the receiver it stopped, but having lifted it to her ear she caught the messaging service.

‘You have two new messages.  To hear your messages please press 1.’

Having gone so far it was difficult not to take the extra step. She pressed ‘1’ and listened.  ‘Hello Julia? It’s Valerie’ Julia’s heart sunk.  Valerie only phoned when she wanted something.   ‘Mother is in hospital, she’s had a heart attack.  I just thought you’d want to know.’  

 That was the message short and to the point. No attempt at sweetening the pill.  There was a moment of shock and disbelief where she stood absorbing the news and then the messaging service was asking her whether she wanted to delete the message, save it or listen again.  She saved it.  The messaging service continued.

‘You have another message, do you want to listen to it. If so press ‘1’?’ She pushed the button. It was Valerie again.  ‘Julia I’m at the hospital.  You need to know that Brian has disappeared and the police are looking for him in connection with all sorts of criminal offences.  They say he is a bigamist Julia!  I can’t quite take it all in, can you call me.’ 

Julia felt her heart take a double beat. The messaging service asked her if she wanted to listen to the call again. She pressed the button, not quite believing what she’d just heard, but it was no better second time around. ‘A bigamist? Brian a bigamist!’  It was all too surreal.  She’d not liked him when she met him, but this was way beyond even her imagination. She dialed Valerie’s number. 

‘Julia! Thank goodness you’ve got my message.’‘What the heck is going on Valerie? Are you sure you’ve got your facts right?’ ‘Yes of course I have’ replied Valerie. ‘Mothers alright, she’s stable. It was the shock of finding out about Brian that did it.’ Julia wasn’t sure what she felt about that.

‘Valerie, why don’t you start at the beginning, I’m still having difficulty getting to grips with this.’  She listened to Valerie as she retold the details that she’d been given by the police. ‘When mother collapsed they called me as next of kin, and here I am.’  Valerie let it slip without a moments thought. ‘So you are her next of kin now are you?’ said Julia.

‘Er..yes, well we thought that as you were further away it would be difficult…..’

Julia laughed.  It was all she could do under the circumstances. ‘I think mothers mind has been affected by the drugs they’ve given her, she’s being really strange, telling me that I should have warned her about Brian and that it’s my fault.’ Valerie’s voice was shaking.

‘Well welcome to the club Valerie, now you know how it feels.’  ‘I know she’s not well.’

‘It’s nothing to do with her not being well.  She won’t be able to face the fact that she has to take responsibility for her actions, she never has.’‘Well it isn’t her fault that Brian was a conman.’  Valerie as always tried to see the best side of her mother.

 ‘That’s not what I am saying Valerie.  Just listen to what I am trying to tell you. Mother will be looking for someone to take on her feelings.  She can’t bear to think she is responsible for anything and as she can’t shout at Brian because he’s not there, and she can’t shout at me because I’m not either any more, I’m afraid it’s down to you.’

Julia was trying her best to be kind, despite the fact she felt her mother was no longer her problem.  In the last glimmer of her compassion she held on to the knowledge that Valerie was not strong and would be struggling to cope.  ‘What about Geoffrey?’ she asked ‘Is he there with you?’

‘No I haven’t been able to get in touch with him, he’s in Zurich visiting a client.  He won’t be back until Wednesday.’ 

Under the circumstances Julia said the only comforting thing she could think of. ‘Well mother’s in the best place. It’s a matter for the doctors to look after her, you can’t do much more than you have.’

 ‘But what about when she comes out?’ asked Valerie, ‘who’s going to look after her?’ Julia thought about saying ‘her next of kin?’ but she bit her lip.

‘And the money, what about the money?’ ‘What money?’ asked Julia.

‘The money with which Brian paid for the house, the police are saying it was fraudulently obtained so it wasn’t really his.’

‘Well then I guess he doesn’t own Cove House then?’  ‘That’s just the thing.  The police think that there is going to be a massive problem untangling the whole thing because mother spent a lot of the money she got from Brian, which was illegally obtained so even if she gets to keep the house she will have to pay it all back.’  ‘Well there’s no use looking in my direction Valerie.  I got my redundancy notice this morning.’  Valerie appeared not to hear Julia’s comment as she blithely carried on.

‘Well Geoffrey and I can’t do anything because we are just about to buy another chalet in Switzerland that we’ve been after for years.’ Julia sat on the stairs, staring into space, wondering just how far her sister could go in firing up her animosity.  Even in the middle of the ensuing crisis when she was trying to help Valerie, her sister was as always thinking materialistically.

‘I have to go now’ Julia said, knowing she would erupt if she didn’t put the phone down immediately.  Bad things never arrive alone.  A week later to the day Julia’s life changed completely.  Michael came home one night and told her that they needed to talk.  Julia knew this was his stock expression for doling out bad news. ‘So’ she replied ‘what do you want to talk about?’

 In her heart she knew, but as he had started the ball rolling she felt he should have first say. Michael looked down as he spoke, as if he didn’t want to be in direct contact with her at that moment.  ‘I’ve been thinking about ‘us’ recently, and although I have tried to look on the positive side, I can’t see how we can carry on as we have been doing.’ Julia watched as his fingers twisted in and out of themselves as if trying to comfort one another.  She said nothing.

‘I think we have begun to tolerate one another rather than love each other and it isn’t a good way to live.’  She bit her lip and tried to take his words without offence. ‘We still make love’ she said hopefully.  He looked up at her, he obviously hadn’t expected such a response. ‘Yes, we still make love.’  ‘And we talk to one another when we have problems.’

‘Yes I know we do that, but….’  ‘We don’t argue in the way a lot of couples do.’

Even as she was saying such things she wondered why? He was right and she could just as easily have been in his place saying the same things to him, so what was she doing trying to justify everything; was it to him, or was it to herself?

‘It would be different if we had a family to think about, but we don’t, we can move on whilst we still respect one another.’ ‘Respect?’ what kind of word was that to bring into the conversation.  ‘Is it because we have no family?’  He had brought up the old wound even if he hadn’t meant to.

‘It’s not just that, it just feels as if we have gone around the same things over and over again and in so doing we have been used up.’

‘You mean my family issues?’  ‘Partly, but not entirely, oh god it’s too complicated to explain. It’s not one thing or the other, it’s everything. Can’t you just accept that we’ve moved apart?’

‘Yes, I can, but at this moment I am having difficulty in working out why I don’t want to.’  

‘Well I can’t help with that one. I only know how I have felt for some time and I know this is for the best.’  ‘Perhaps for you it is.’

‘It is for both of us.  I don’t want to end up resenting you and I know it’ll come to that in the end.’  He moved out the same evening pledging to pay the bills until they had ‘sorted things.’ By that she took it he meant permanent separation or divorce.  The storm at Cove House had traveled up country and the erosion had been faster than she had anticipated.

Michael the rock had weathered and disappeared overnight leaving her with nothing but a hand full of sand.

She didn’t blame him, it was inevitable given the circumstances.  Nor did she feel sorry for herself, in fact the strange thing was that she felt…..nothing.  Something inside her head had switched off, her mind could not process any more cataclysmic events coming her way. 

This disconnection was why she sat all day staring at the bedroom wall waiting for someone to say ‘come on Julia, time to wash, time to eat, time to do the shopping, time to sleep.’ 

The inner voice that had driven her for so many years remained silent. Things drifted in and out of her mind but they were like shadows from a high sun, slipping beneath her feet before she could catch them.

Occasionally somewhere in the distance the phone rang, but she didn’t answer it, there was no one inside her to do that.  Night fell the first day and she was still there, frozen like some modern art exhibit, ‘Woman in formaldehyde’ except she wasn’t really there in the elaborate glass case. There was only an empty space; someone had stolen the exhibit. Julia had just become ‘the redundant employee’, ‘the ghost on the stairs’, ‘the disinherited child’, ‘the next of kin who was no more’, ‘Michael’s ex.’ She encapsulated all the negative things in the world.

Perhaps she had finally slipped into that alternative universe and become Julia 2, an exact replica but without any meaning, any substance. Her meaning had been swallowed by a black hole.  ‘Are you in there? Julia?’ The voice, like the sound of the telephone, was some way off.

‘Julia?’ She recognized the voice but failed to stay around long enough to settle. 

‘Oh my god!’  Someone was in the room and they were upset.  It didn’t mean anything, because there was no one else in the room.

‘Julia, what’s happened!’  Even when the owner of the voice appeared in front of her, her eyes remained focused on a point some way in the distance. She could still see the wall even when there was a person standing in