If you want my opinion

I think we should leave Europe at the earliest opportunity. We are an island after all, we should be independent and free. We should take the opportunity to relocate the UK at the same time, preferably moving somewhere warmer. Scotland can decide whether it wants to come with us or whether it’s happier where it is, in a climate of constant misery. I’m guessing it will be the latter.

People say we should send everyone back to where they came from, but that's not going far enough in my opinion. We should also send people back to where they didn’t come from. All of these 'foreign' children who had the audacity to be born here, we should send them back towhere they would have been born if they’d shown any consideration. 

Of course I believe in global warming, but only when it’s warm. On cold days I’m entirely sceptical. Which is why I turn my heating off during the summer, when I’m concerned about the negative effects of overuse of fossil fuels, but turn it back on over the winter when I am no longer persuaded by the arguments. This has the added advantage that my heating is on during cold spells, but not when the weather is warm.

I hate people with opinons. They’re everywhere, on websites, blogs, on the radio, TV, you can't tread three feet without stepping into someone's viewpoint. If you want my opinion, we should return to the halcyonic days of the 70s when nobody had an opinon on anything.

I rather hastily said last week that if god hadn’t meant us to eat meat he wouldn’t have made bacon so tasty. A colleague pointed out that as human flesh tastes exactly like pork, using the same logic god clearly meant us to eat human flesh. This has proven a revelation. I’ve started inviting friends round for dinner. The downside is that I’m running out of friends – if you haven’t already done so do please befriend me now.