Tonight’s TV

BBC 1

7.30 – Enders: Continuing the series about the lives of former Eastender’s actors. In tonight’s episode the Mitchell twins argue about which of them should present a new documentary about fighting.

8.30 – Let’s Get Quizzical: The TV quiz that tests contestant’s knowledge of TV quizzes. Presented by Dusty Bin.

9.00 – Dr What the fuck is going on?: The doctor’s new assistant is confused by the complex plot, which is explained carelessly and never properly resolved.

10.00 – Panorama: Is it worth staying up to watch Panorama? The team investigate claims that the programme thrives on a dated style of hoary journalism and that people would be better off just going to bed early and reading the papers the next day.

BB2

7.00 – Christmas Rapping: The all-time top 20 Christmas songs, as chosen by viewers, are covered by a variety of poor quality rap artists.

7.30 – Hitler’s Secret Santa: The recent discovery of a cupboard in which Hitler was storing the presents that would have formed the basis of his 1945 Christmas gifts to leading figures of the Nazi regime. Was the jumper he planned to give Goering “a crime against humanity”, or just the way people dressed in 1940s Germany.

8.00 – Death by Bakery: Two teams compete to bake for death row inmates who have asked for their method of execution to be death by overeating cakes. Will Sherry’s dainty Dorset fancies be enough to give Mister Crimes a coronary, or will Valerie’s CreamBomb blast Harry J into the next world. Sue Perkins presents.

ITV

4.00 – 12.00 midnight: The TextFactor: Contenders compete to send the most amusing text message to the panel of judges. Will anyone beat last week’s hilarious ‘Piers Morgan is a twat’.

Channel 4

8.00 – Heston’s Hedgehog Sandwich: Heston Blumenthal attempts to recreate the classic 1980s Not the Nine O’Clock News comedy album, using no less than 250,000 of the prickly rodents and 5,000 loaves of bread. Featuring Wigan.

8.30 – The Twins who Share a Government: A fascinating documentary on the first ever pair of conjoined twins to run a country. In tonight’s episode the twins have an argument. Nick wants to slash pensions, while David wants to slash benefits for the disabled and homeless. However, the squabble doesn’t last for long and they agree to cut both.

9.00 – The Last Day on Earth: Documentary on the Mayan prophecy that predicts the world will end tomorrow. (Repeated on Sunday).

Channel 5

7.00 – The World’s Wrongest Man: Nick Clegg and Nick Griffin compete for the coveted title. Repeat of last year’s final.

8.00 – Ugly cocks and smelly cunts: Real life, embarrassing, medical problems. Russell Grant supplies tonight’s celebrity genitalia.

9.00 – Naked News: News summary read by naturalists.

9.05 – Invisible Grannies: Six Cumbrian grandmothers try out a new pill that turns them invisible for the day.