Reverse
By BeamsAndVoids
Sun, 09 Mar 2008
- 1573 reads
8 comments
He hit the pavement with a splat.
He climbed onto the ledge.
He walked to the edge.
He came out onto the roof.
He saw the door.
He looked around.
He got off at the top floor.
He closed the elevator.
He got into the elevator.
He went into the lobby.
He saw the main entrance.
He saw the skyscraper.
He walked around town.
He left his apartment.
He put on his shoes and coat.
He stopped crying.
He started crying.
He saw the note on the table.
She had left him.
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Comments
great idea. it realy needed
great idea. it realy needed the last line to deliver, and did it? Hell yeah it did! great finish!
keleph
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Clever and visually
Permalink Submitted by onemorething on
Clever and visually pleasing. Liked it very much - no spelling mistakes and no suggestions for improvement.
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This is a great premise and
Permalink Submitted by capoeiragem on
This is a great premise and works so well, the last line carries so much weight and really transforms the rest of the poem, very moving.
The only part that sat uncomfortably for me was the use of the word 'splat' in the first line. I didn't think the term had the same gravity as the rest of the piece and so felt a little out of place. I know you're not too keen on editing but maybe you could try 'he hit the pavement with a crash' or something similiar? Just a suggestion.
Great poem apart from this though, very clever.
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This is a great poem :) It
This is a great poem :) It does tie into my prose rather well too. Thank you for your comment, I have replied on it too.
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