The History ain't Bright...

For Comic Relief this year my cardboard cut out of Humphrey Bogart was kidnapped. It was a very traumatic experience. I was also sent a warning that I needed to raise £20 or he would go in the recycle bin. In the end I got the students to donate for the commission of this poem - about the teacher (Miss Bowles) who stole Humphrey. She teaches History.

The History ain't Bright...

I’m here to warn you all
Of a teacher in our school
She’s more foul than Simon Cowell
And a dozen times more cruel
She’s a schemer, a despot
A Crafty Cardboard cut out captor
She feasts on the fear of first years
like some blonde velociraptor
And she’ll smack ya with a warning
Cackling each and every morning
For saying ‘hi’ or yawning
any time that you walk past her
There’s nothing faster on two legs
in the corridor she patrols
The History ain't bright,
the History's Miss Bowles

And for five days every week,
Her form group shuffle into class
Hoping she doesn’t get competitive
Over some trivial inter form task
As she squats within her throne,
Her potent voice will ask
“Am I the only one who wants to win?
Second place is as good as last!’
If Noraiz’s homework comes in late
her eyes grow dark and smokey
Shares a surname with Beyonce,
but don’t mention karaoke
And woe betide you if you’re jokey,
Woe betide you if you're giggling
Forget Snape from Harry potter,
She’s the perfect Head for Slytherin
A raise of brow, a lift of head
and half the class start piddling
While she impales those she catches fiddling
On lengthy heels from off her soles
The History ain't bright,
the History's Miss Bowles

That’s right, the history ain't bright,
the history’s Miss Bowles
She fills her drawers with tights
in case the ones she wears get holes
And along with sulphorous brimstone
that pervades throughout the gloom
lunchtime sushi fills the air
every single afternoon
While she sits during a free period,
she marks and thinks and swoons
Imagining Jeremy Paxman
has come to visit her in her room
And you are doomed
if you ever dare
to distract from this immersion
She has a huge set of lungs
for such a little person
So please don’t go in there,
try reversing, hurry quickly
save your souls
The History ain't bright,
the History's Miss Bowles