On Remembering Hotel Esmeralda

By sunshine

Mon, 15 Jun 2009

1868 reads

9 comments

Delicate threads of starry light
snaked through branches of skeletal trees
beyond our worn and hallowed room;
and the river rippled close by.

We danced to the music of Our Lady's bells
and sweated the nights on a tiny bed
which gently rocked and softly groaned
as the river rippled close by.

The moonlight crept through the window
and fell on our thin woven limbs;
the velvets slipped to the polished floor
whilst the river rippled close by.

It was the city of love and lovers,
our city for those few days.
We vowed our love was eternal
and the river still ripples close by.

Comments

Love the repetition of the

Permalink Submitted by jennifer on Mon, 2009-06-15 15:49

Love the repetition of the river ripples, really lovely imagery throughout. I have only one crit for this poem - your over-use of the full stop - it breaks uop the rhythm a little too harshly - a comma or semi-colon would suffice, depending on where, J x

Thanks for the crit Jennifer

Permalink Submitted by sunshine on Mon, 2009-06-15 16:50

Thanks for the crit Jennifer - now you've pointed out the full stops they scream at me like headlights in the night! Will delete some immediately, Glad you like the ripples blah blah as this was intended, although geographically accurate, as a subtle (too subtle?) reminder of the transient nature of everything. Margot

So a good time was had by

Permalink Submitted by Jupiter on Mon, 2009-06-15 19:08

So a good time was had by all then Margot? ;D lol I love the line "and sweated the nights on a tiny bed" - brings the memories flooding back. ;-) Not sure I would have picked up on the repetition of the ripples until Jennifer mentioned it but now I think of it, it keeps the "which gently rocked and softly groaned" idea going through the piece. The "transient nature of everything" is a writing step too far for me at the moment however I do find in reading your work, especially when you explain it, that there are some great pointers for my own. Thank you Margot. I enjoyed it. ;-)

On Remembering Hotel Esmeralda

By sunshine

Comments

Love the repetition of the

Thanks for the crit Jennifer

So a good time was had by

Thanks Jupe - that's such an

Yes, much better now, flows

Ripples by at a lovely pace;

thank you Chris, glad the

Just lovely. I can't

Well it doesn't really

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