A Letter To X

Dearest X,
I love you so much. That much makes sense to us both, even if this particular thing doesn't. I love you and I appreciate what you're trying to do, what you're trying to get me to do. I like that I can trust you enough to tell you things like this and that you don't pat me on the head and then take a few steps back like my friends, don't laugh and tell me to pull myself together like my parents. You believe in the power of immediacy and are never afraid to face things head on. But that's not me. I am so scared, my love, terrified of the prospect of collision.
I believe you when you insist that you'll stay by my side no matter what, and the thought comforts me more than I could ever say- you've become such a vital, integral part of my existence that a room without you in it feels half-empty, everything you touch has just been momentarily put down and is waiting for your return. But you don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of this- this worry and this hassle and above all the ridiculous emotional surfboarder of me, sometimes laughing in your arms, sometimes crying. That's not you. You are so constant. I feel such guilt when I am forced to seek you like a sailor seeks the guiding lighthouse beam, sweeping out reassuring over the tumultuous black waters. I feel such self-hatred when I have to cling to you, your comforting warm solidity over and under and around me, weathering the storms of grey sorrow and dim melancholy, gripping dark fear and despair brittle as black ice. I don't want to pollute the simple purity of our relationship with the poison of this- what is this? This madness, this malady. God knows I don't want you caught up in an endless web of my making. I want you to be happy, and with someone who's happy. I want you to be free, and fling open the cage door: it is not your duty to care for every injured bird, it is not your responsibility to heal every weary heart. I expect nothing. You owe me nothing.
But you refuse to go.
My love, if you truly are prepared to embark upon this voyage with me, know now that it will not be an easy ride. There will be countless storms, many dark days, any number of long nights where I may turn to you with despair in my eyes and say that there is no hope. Realise that there may be no solution. Please do not tether yourself to me with a foolish promise; please don't become lost in trying to help me find myself. If at any point you want to jump ship, if you want out, well, I'm not going to stop you; I'll understand completely. This is not what you deserve. I am not what you deserve.
X, you are the best thing I've ever had in my life or could ever hope to have, and what I wish, hope, pray for is for us to pass through these shadowed valleys unscathed, and one day, one golden-edged day, stand strong together upon the summit of this mountain, far above the obstacles we once thought interminable. That's all I want. I love you, I love you, I love you.
And most of all...
Thank you. Because I already know what your answer will be.