Abundant Wonderment of my Fundament! I P

The Abundant Wonderment of my Fundament! I P

Okay so you’ve noticed. My bum does look big in this but in its abundance you cannot hide your little secret because I see such wonderment written clearly on your face and I know you have grown fond of my fundament. It seems big bums are in and I credit Jennifer Lopez with bringing bums to the forefront, where they should always have been, in my humble opinion. Why should they be tucked out of sight behind us? Bums should be celebrated, honoured and treasured as abundant fundaments create wonderment. There was a time when any kind of generosity in the bottom department, was almost outlawed. Even today models and the like are not encouraged to sport an abundant fundament. However, I think it should be a woman’s fundamental (sic) right to sport an abundant fundament and to this end, if you will pardon the expression, a group of us have got together with the intention of starting a campaign to bring fundaments out of the closet in order that familiarity will make them an acceptable part of the public psyche. Obviously, if the campaign is to succeed we will need a well rounded argument to support our claim.

I am assuming here, that there are many women shut away in institutions who would be willing to join a campaign as they are only allowed out under cover of darkness simply for being in possession of a big bum. If these women were to join forces with our group to promote the ideal that ‘Big Bums are for life and not just for Christmas’ then I feel real progress can be made.

If we are to change the public’s perception of a well rounded posterior then we must get up off our arse and march on Downing Street to demand a fair deal for the nation’s abundant fundaments. Because the problem has been hidden away for all these years, there are no known statistics to guide us in our quest for fair treatment. Therefore, we must take matters into our own hands, which will make a pleasant change from our posteriors being in the hands of others whose interest in us will look no further than our fundaments so let us unite and take the fun out of this nomenclature. Ladies, there has never been a time more fitting for us to be revolting. We must come out of the closet of ignorance, the cupboard of dark despair and climb down from the mountain of melancholy. Ladies of Great Britain, I have a Dream that one day all the little knickers will go hand in hand with all the big knickers and the light of justice will shine like a beacon throughout our great land. Big knickers will take their true place in our society and will no longer be hidden away in the dark recesses of our drawers drawer, if you understand me, if not, then what I refer to is our underworld drawer. See, I am so indoctrinated that I confuse underwear with underworld.

Ladies, wear your big knickers with pride! Throw out your bikini briefs, your little shorts, your hi legs, your lo legs, your no legs, and your thongs! Have tee-shirts printed with slogans such as Proud To Be Wearing Big Knickers! Or, BKFA on the front and Big Knickers For All on the back or even better…Look But Don’t Pass - The Glory of My Arse! Just think of it, if we all wore knickers that were actually our size we could banish wedgies overnight. So, don’t procrastinate…elasticate! In fact, we could even be comfortable, now there’s a thought, our knickers could provide us with the same level of comfort provided by a faithful, old pair of Dr Scholls! Perhaps, that gentleman might even be persuaded to design a range of knickers for us which had comfort as a priority! Now what a thought that is.

For too long we have been fed the line that little knickers are sexy and big knickers are not. Rubbish! This is big business feeding us this line because obviously if we were looking to purchase knickers that actually fit then this would necessitate using more material and so cut down on profit margins. But what is more sexy than a woman of ample proportions being wholly encased in a pair of knickers large enough for two? Cheeks…that is! What did you think I meant?

Moreover, what is more un-sexy than a woman of ample proportions wearing an eye patch? Well, to me, that is what they look like… you know what I mean…those thong thingies! And if you have got a bad eye for whatever reason how easy would it be to make a mistake and wear a thong believing it to be an eye patch? Yes, I know, she could have gone to Specsavers! But then, to counter that, I can relate another sad tale as I very nearly went out with a thong on my head believing it to be a headband.

There is another difficulty with these thongs that no one ever mentions. Where or how does one fit one’s Tena lady? However, no such difficulty attaches itself to a good old fashioned pair of big bloomers because I think some of them even come with pockets. How handy is that? One could keep a packet of ciggies, a bag of pineapple chunks and even this week’s copy of Yours nicely tucked away. Now that would be a distinct advantage...having something available to read!

In the light of all the above it will be necessary to register if you wish to participate in our campaign as we realise that not every woman will have the courage to declare herself a big knickers wearer through fear of intimidation but let me reassure such ladies that we, as self proclaimed big knicker wearers, will do our utmost to protect such vulnerable women. Why, only the other day, in M & S, I saw a Husband ridiculing his wife because she happened to pick up a pair of white full leg briefs in a comfortable stretchy material. I wasted no time in coming to the woman’s aid by rushing up and taking a firm grasp of the man's raincoat, which happened to be dirty, by the way and said,

“You’re nicked, Sunshine!”

But as he turned, the raincoat gaped open and I caught a glimpse of something incredible! Try as I might, I couldn't avert my eyes. He was wearing high waisted-trousers! You know the type? The type worn by Simon Cowell!

End