The Bank Job! (IP) A short play

THE BANK JOB! (IP) A short play Approx 1236 words

Two youths, ROB THE GOB and BILLY are stood outside a Bank. They are smoking and looking nervously about. Then ROB THE GOB finishes his cigarette and stamps it out on the ground.

Rob the Gob:
Come on, Billy...put that out…it’s time! Got your mask?

Billy: (Stamping his cigarette out)
Mask?

Rob the Gob:
For God’s sake! Your stocking mask!

Billy:(Pulling two packets from his pocket)
Whatdya think, Rob, American Tan or Barely Black?

Rob the Gob:
What?

Billy:(Holding out the packets)
My colouring. American Tan or Barely Black?

Rob the Gob:
Does it matter?

Billy:
Well, I wanna look right. Say someone I know sees me? I don’t want to look a prat.

Rob the Gob:
You don’t?

Billy:
No. I think American Tan ‘cos they’re soft sheen and they’ve got Lycra.

Rob the Gob:(Looking heavenwards as he puts on his stocking mask)
God give me strength!

Billy:
Okay, I’ll go with the American Tan.

He opens the packet and tries to put one on his head

Rob the Gob:
What’re you doing?

Billy:
They don’t fit.

Rob the Gob:
You pillock! They don’t fit because they’re ankle highs. You should have got stockings.

Billy:
What’s the difference?

Rob the Gob:
The difference is that stockings will hide your stupid face but ankle highs won’t even go over your head. Put them on and people will know exactly who you are.

Billy:
That’s all right. I don’t mind people knowing. They’ll be so surprised. They won’t be expecting me to rob a Bank.

Rob the Gob:
I’m not expecting you to rob a Bank!

Billy:
It’s all right. I’ll wear the Barely Black.

He opens the other packet and puts them on his head.

Rob the Gob:
They’re tights, you dork! You should have got stockings.

Billy:
I thought tights were better value.

Rob the Gob:
WE’RE ROBBING A BANK!

Billy:
Still, there’s no need to waste money and no need to shout either...I'm beginning to see why you're called Rob the Gob

Rob the Gob:
Never mind about what I'm called...look at you. You’re supposed to strike terror into them in there. (waves gun about) I might just have to shoot someone if only to stop ‘em laughing!

Billy:
I’m not really sure about this. Does it have to be this Bank?

Rob the Gob:
Yes! It does! (pause) Why?

Billy:
Well I bank here and so does my Mum.

Rob the Gob:
You bank… she ain’t gonna be in there now, is she?

Billy:
Nah. It’s Giro day. She’ll be in the offie getting the groceries.

Rob the Gob:
Offie? Groceries?

Billy:
Yeah, Mum reckons a pint of Guinness is better than a full English.

Rob the Gob:
Yeah, I’ve heard your Mum likes a drink.

Billy:
Second only to the Pope.

Rob the Gob:
Oh yeah, forgot. Your lot are all Catholic. Well make sure you don’t go confessing to this lot or we’ll both end up in clink.

Billy:
I wonder how many Hail Mary’s I’d get for robbing a Bank? Could be as many as ten…And at least two Our Fathers…seeing as it’s a Bank.

Rob the Gob:
Two Our Fathers… Bank? Anyway, you told me your Mum can’t cook. She hasn’t even got a cooker.

Billy:
S’right. But between the Chippie and the Offie we do alright.

Rob the Gob:
Well, if this goes right you might be able to buy her a cooker.

Billy:
She won’t have gas… not since our kid tried to connect us to the gas main in the street. We’ve only just finished rebuilding the kitchen.

Rob the Gob:
I heard about that, too.

Billy:
And if it’s electric, our kid’s got to be able to connect it to the lamp-post outside our house. Our kid’s a whizz at anything like that.

Rob the Gob:
So blowing your house up didn’t teach him anything?

Billy:
Yeah, it did. There’s nothing like an explosion to get a bit on the insurance.

Rob the Gob:
I don’t believe it.

Billy:
And what he couldn’t wire up to the lamp-post he wired up to next door.

Rob the Gob:
And they haven’t noticed?

Billy:
Yeah, they have. They keep complaining about their bills. Mum tells them to go on Uswitch. Well, that’s what we did… switched from our meter to theirs.

Rob the Gob:
C’mon, enough about cookers let’s get this over with. (Makes towards the Bank) If this goes right you might still want to buy her a cooker.

Billy:
Wouldn’t bank on it! (Giggles nervously as he realises what he has said and they both make to go into the Bank)

Rob the Gob:
Hang on…we’d better rehearse how we’re gonna do this. What we gonna say?

Billy:(Pointing two fingers as if they were a gun)
How about… ‘This is a stick up!’

Rob the Gob:
Christ, what am I doing with a dork like you… and your fingers are not gonna frighten anybody. Now let me think. ‘Hand over the money, stay away from the alarm and no-one will get hurt.’

Billy:
Oh no, we don’t want to frighten anybody.

Rob the Gob:
Yes, yes...we do!

Billy:
Our Michelle works in there.

Rob the Gob:
Your sister works in the Bank we’re about to hold up? Why is now the first I hear of this? You dozy ‘apporth, she’ll recognise you for sure.

Billy:
Nah! She won’t.

Rob the Gob:
Course she will. She’ll know her own brother.

Billy:
Nah! She won’t. I promise.

Rob the Gob:
Why won’t she?

Billy:
Well, first of all I’ve got me tights on…

Rob the Gob:
Oh, that’s all right then…

Billy:
And secondly… she’s off sick!

Rob the Gob:
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What am I saying? What do I care? No, that’s not nice. What’s wrong with her?

Billy:
Women’s trouble!

Rob the Gob:
Not pregnant is she?

Billy:
Nah…couldn’t find anything to wear!

Rob the Gob:
I thought you said she was sick?

Billy:
She is… sick of all her clothes.

Rob the Gob:
Well if we do this right, you could buy her some new clothes.

Billy:
Nah, she wouldn’t wear anything I bought. She likes girls’ clothes, dresses and things.

Rob the Gob:
That’s what I … pillock!

Billy:
I know but she’s got a good heart.

Rob the Gob:
C’mon, let’s get this over with before you tell me your Dad’s the Bank Manager.

Billy:
Nah. You know full well he works for the Co-op.

Rob the Gob:
No, I didn’t know that. What does he do?

Billy:
He’s a stock controller.

Rob the Gob:
How does he do that?

Billy:
Mostly… he brings it home!

Rob the Gob:
Your Dad sounds like someone I should meet. C’mon, let’s get this over with and...and…TRY to look fearsome!

He makes sure the gun is clearly visible before
they both go into the Bank.

Lights Up

Lights Down

We hear a single gunshot and then the Bank’s alarm sounds loudly

BILLY comes running out followed by ROB THE GOB who has shot someone.
Then ROB uses the butt of the gun to hit BILLY who falls unconscious to the ground.
He then puts the gun in Billy’s hand and runs off. A POLICEMAN comes running up and
grabs hold of BILLY just as he is coming round but is still disorientated.

Policeman:
Gotcha! You’re not going anywhere, Sunshine!

Billy:
My head aches! Am I in Heaven? Are you an angel? You look just like my Uncle Ambrose?

Policeman:
Keep your voice down, Billy…I am your Uncle Ambrose and what the hell are you doing here?

Billy:
You…you… a Policeman…how come…with your record?

Policeman:
I’ve got connections.

Billy:
I’ve always wanted to be a Policeman could you put a word in for me?

Policeman:
We’ll see. You’ll have to come up through the ranks though, because anything higher might draw attention.

Billy:
That’s all right. But how did you get in?

Policeman:
This chap I know, computer whizz, hacked into the police computer. He deleted my criminal record and at the same time made me a Graduate so I’m being fast tracked.

Billy:
I’d like to be fast tracked.

Policeman:
I’ll do my best though I don’t think I could get you in any higher than a Superintendent. But we’ll talk about your career later, for now just give me the gun.

Billy:
It’s not mine it’s Rob the Gob's. He might want it back.

Policeman:
Somehow, I don’t think so. Look the thing’s still smoking. Give it here.

BILLY hands over the gun and the POLICEMAN stashes it out of sight.

Policeman:
Give me the tights.

BILLY takes them off his head and hands them over.

Policeman:
And the packet they came in, just in case you’re searched.

BILLY hands over the packet.

Policeman: (Looks at packet)
Barely Black! Are you mad? Whatever were you thinking of? Barely Black! With your colouring!

End