"Checkout" Scene Three

“Checkout” Friends and Neighbours

Scene 3 Supermarket Teashop The next day

Leanne and Mel have made it up and are having a coffee while waiting for the twins to come down in their tea break.

Mel:
So you’ve got yourself a dress for the twin’s party?

Leanne:
Oh, yes, it’s fabulous. I’m gonna look a proper A-lister when I wear it.

Mel:
What’s an A-lister?

Leanne:
A-Listers are those really glamorous well known girls you see in magazines.

Mel:
Oh, I thought only buildings were listed.

Leanne:
Are you being funny?

Mel:
No.

Leanne:
Because if you’re trying to imply…

Mel:
Imply what?

Leanne:
That I’m a bit on the big side. I know I’ve put on a pound or two but I shall lose that before the party.

Mel:
No, I wasn’t implying anything. You’re too sensitive. Anyway, they’re late coming down today.

Leanne:
Yeah, I hope they come soon because I’m determined to wangle an invitation. I’m not gonna let them slip through my fingers seeing as they’re the only people I know with a house up on The Mount.

Mel:
You must be desperate to get an invite for you to mix with them two.

Leanne:
What do you mean?

Mel:
They’re not your type that’s all.

Leanne:
They are now they’ve got a house up on The Mount.

Mel:
But they are so uncouth.

Leanne:
I never thought that you could be such a snob, Mel. Show some humanity.

Mel:
Me a snob. You would never have given them the time of day until you found out they had a house up on The Mount.

Leanne:
What you on about? I’ve always liked them.

Maureen and Doreen enter

Leanne:
Oh, here they are. (Waving to attract their attention) Mor, Dor…over here.

Maureen:
We thought we’d missed you.

Doreen:
Had to go to late tea today ‘cos we were late in.

Maureen:
It was that bitch, Nina, she hates us.

Doreen:
Yeah, only ‘cos Mrs A thinks sunshine…

Leanne:
How did you get on last night?

Doreen:
Last…

Maureen:
Bit of a disaster…

Mel:
Oh…

Maureen:
It all went wrong.

Leanne:
What do you mean?

Maureen:
Plan A was we fill in the hole in the wall, then do the plastering, then up the pub.

Mel:
Yeah!

Maureen:
Went up pub first and got plastered - so wall didn’t!

Leanne:
What are you like?

Doreen:
Defo tonight though, eh, Mor?

Maureen:
Yeah defo tonight. ‘Sides we’re gonna have to give up on The Grapes.

Mel:
Why?

Maureen:
Too far away. That’s why we were late because we couldn’t get a taxi so had to walk home last night, so late in today.

Leanne:
So where will you drink?

Maureen:
Golf Club!

Leanne and Mel: (Together)
What!

Doreen:
I know The Grapes are gonna miss us.

Leanne:
The Golf Club will never let you in. You have to be a member to get in The Pines.

Maureen:
We are. Auntie always bought us memberships for our birthday.

Doreen:
But with The Grapes within crawling distance…

Maureen:
Be all right once we persuade them to get karaoke up there.

Leanne:
Have you been in there all ready?

Maureen:
Popped in one night just to introduce ourselves. It was nice because we met our next door neighbour.

Doreeen:
Yeah, she’s Headmistress of St Ethelred’s the Unsteady that posh girls Grammar School.

Maureen:
And a Lay Preacher, she wants us to go to one of her gigs.

Leanne:
I don’t think preaching is called a gig.

Maureen:
Whatever. Anyway, I said “Well, Grayling,” that’s her name, posh innit? “We’ll come to one of yours if you come to one of ours.” We thought we’d take her to our farewell do at The Grapes!

Leanne:
Oh, when? Please, tell me when. I’ve just got to be there when you take a Lay Preacher and Headmistress of a girl’s Grammar School to The Grapes!

Mel:
Me too. I can’t miss that.

Maureen:
See this is what happens when you’re popular because everyone I’ve told has said the same thing. They all want to know when. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know once it’s all fixed up.

Doreen:
Yeah, the more the merrier.

Maureen:
Anyway, tonight we are definitely doing the plastering because we need to crack on if we’re gonna have a house warming party.

Leanne:
It is definite then, you are going to have a party?

Maureen:
Yeah, course.

Leanne:
When and please say we’re invited.

Doreen:
Oh, don’t know about that what with everybody here wanting to come.

Maureen:
Course you can come. Sooner have you two there than stuck up Nina. She’s had it in for us since day one.

Doreen:
Yeah, she doesn’t like it ‘cos Mrs A thinks sunshine…

Leanne:
We’ll look forward to that, won’t we Mel?

Mel:
Too right. When do you think it will be?

Maureen:
Just as soon as the kitchen’s finished.

Doreen:
Yes we want to show off our handiwork don’t we Mor?

Maureen:
Yes but first we’ve got to do some handiwork, Dor.

Leanne:
I still can’t get over you having solid oak units and black granite worktops.

Mel:
That was what you wanted wasn’t it Leanne?

Leanne:
Yes, but Garry said we couldn’t afford it. We could have if he hadn’t spent all his money on himself. It turned out he could be very selfish in that way. He even said I had to contribute something to the household expenses.

Mel:
He never did?

Maureen:
What did you say?

Leanne:
I said I can’t do that. It’s impossible…I’d have to get a job to be in a position to do that.

Doreen:
I think there’s a job going here.

Leanne:
I don’t think so.

Doreen:
I could put in a good word.

Leanne:
Thank you, but no. I couldn’t cope with a job. Besides it would ruin my nails.

Mel:
She has them done once a week, you know?

Maureen:
Yes, I can see. Not like ours, eh Doreen?

Doreen: (Looking at her hands)
No, Mor, not like ours.

Maureen:
These are the hands of a craftsman or should I say craftswoman…or they very soon will be.

Mel:
So when you’ve plastered the walls what’s the next job?

Maureen:
Get the oak and start making the units…can’t be that difficult.

Leanne:
Sounds difficult to me.

Doreen:
Sarah Beeny will tell us. You taped all her programmes, didn’t you, Maureen?

Maureen:
Yes, I’d forgotten that, so well done Dor!

Doreen looks ecstatic.

Maureen:
There you are then, Doreen has come up trumps.

Doreen:
Sorry. I didn’t think anyone noticed.

Leanne looks disgusted.

Mel: (coughing)
Not notice…(Leanne shakes head)

Maureen:
We’ll watch a few of the more recent programmes from her series ‘Making Kitchen Units: Useful Tips and Pitfalls to be Avoided.’

Doreen:
Good job I remembered, ‘eh Mor?

Maureen:
Yes, Doreen, but next time remember to say excuse me too. Now that we live up on The Mount trumps can’t go unacknowledged. Now we better be getting back or No Nonsense Nina will be on our backs again. Same time tomorrow?

Leanne and Mel:
Yeah.

EXIT The Twins

Leanne:
Thank goodness they’ve gone. Oh c’mon I’ve got to get out of here. That Doreen should come with a Government Health Warning

Mel:
Oh, Leanne, you can be such a snob. Show some humanity!

End of scene