"Checkout" Scene Seven

“Checkout” Scene Seven
The Mourning After the Knight Before

Teashop Next Morning

Leanne and Mel are sitting drinking their tea

Leanne:
I can’t believe them twins. Fancy remodelling a kitchen with offcuts from coffins.

Mel:
I thought the worktops were worse.

Leanne:
They might live up on The Mount but they’ve got no class.

Mel:
And to think that Doreen or was it Maureen said ‘Breeding will out'.

Leanne:
Mind you we’ll have to play our cards right if we want to get invited up there again.

Mel:
Do you really want to get invited again?

Leanne:
Too right, I do.

Mel:
Why?

Leanne:
I’ve set my heart on Julian.

Mel:
What the chap that brought his nuts.

Leanne:
His nuts are not what I’m after. He’s loaded.

Mel:
Yeah, but with that sort their nuts are usually part of the deal.

Leanne:
What do you mean?

Mel:
Rich blokes…they expect…things!

Leanne:
Things! Well, I’ve no hang ups in that department. If that’s what it takes.

Mel:
I don’t understand you. You were never like that with poor Gary.

Leanne:
How do you know what I was like with poor Gary?

Mel:
He told me.

Leanne:
Did he now, and what exactly did he tell you?

Mel:
That you weren’t interested …in the physical side!

Leanne:
And you believed him?

Mel:
Yes.

Leanne:
Well, I’ll have you know we were at it like rabbits!

Mel:
Yeah, before you were married.

Leanne:
Yeah, well after there was no need…not when you’ve got a nice home.

Mel:
Well, I felt sorry for him.

Leanne:
Next you’ll be telling me you gave him comfort.

Mel:
Why, what’s he said?

Leanne:
What! You cow! My best friend and you were having it away with my Garry.

Mel:
Only once… maybe twice...certainly not more than three, possibly four…

Leanne:
Oh that’s all right.. Nothing to upset me there then. If only I’d known we had equal shares in my husband. I can’t believe this.

Mel:
I’m sorry, Leanne, it just sort of happened. What with him having to blend in with the décor and you allocating what time he was allowed in the house. He had to have somewhere to go if only to keep out of the rain.

Leanne:
Oh let’s forget it. I’m not with Garry now so no point dwelling.

Mel:
Glad you feel like that.

Leanne:
Yes but now I’ve got more important things on my mind. How to get my clutches into Julian with the twins having him in their sights too?

Mel:
They’re no match for you and I could see there was a spark between you two.

Leanne:
Yes and I’ll let you into a little secret…he’s asked me out!

Mel:
He never has.

The twins come hurrying in and make for LEANNE and MEL’S table.

Leanne:
The twins are coming over. Don’t let on…

Maureen:
Hello you two. Well, what did you think of the kitchen?

Leanne:
Absolutely beautiful.

Mel:
Yes, so tasteful.

Doreen:
Yes, it was worth all the effort and hard work.

Maureen:
And what did you think about the party? Good wasn’t it? That Grayling is a scream when she's had a drink. There’s no stopping her…though I never expected her to bring the Vicar and then for him to go home in his underpants like that…

Doreen:
Yes, I thought he lowered the tone.

Maureen:
Oh don’t be such a grouse…He was fully dressed for Church the next day even down to his cassock and I thought his sermon was hilarious.

Doreen:
I suppose…anyway, what did you think of our Julian?

Leanne:
Julian…Julian…was he the one that left early?

Maureen:
He’s not our Julian…he’s my Julian.

Doreen:
He likes me best.

Maureen:
What gives you that idea?

Doreen:
Because he offered his nuts to me first.

Maureen:
He offered his nuts to everyone.

Mel:
See, Leanne, isn’t that what I said earlier.

Leanne: (Spluttering)
What?

Mel:
Rich blokes…they…oh, sorry.

Maureen:
What she on about? What you on about, Mel?

Leanne:
Oh, take no notice. I think I do remember Julian now.

Maureen:
Gorgeous. He’s just gorgeous.

Doreen:
And he’s really taken a shine to me.

Leanne:
Anyway, now the kitchen’s done what next?

Maureen:
Well actually we’ve had a change of heart with the kitchen.

Mel:
Why, what’s the problem?

Doreen:
We think now that we would like a serving hatch into the Dining Room so we’re going to knock one through tonight.

Leanne:
But you’ve got double doors leading from the Kitchen to the Dining Room.

Maureen:
Yeah, but if you’ve got a couple of plates in your hand you can’t open the doors.

Doreen:
It won’t take us long. Should have it done by tomorrow.

Maureen:
Might even be able to make good. That’s what Sarah Beeny always says.

Leanne:
Seems a pity though to mess up all your good work on the kitchen.

Doreen:
Mor, quick, I’ve just seen No Nonsense Nina go past and she knows we went to the staff canteen.

Maureen:
Blimey, better go but we’ll see you here tomorrow. Let you know how we got on.

EXIT the TWINS

Leanne:
Who in their right mind does all that to their kitchen and then decides they want a serving hatch put through?

Mel:
This is the twins we’re talking about.

Leanne:
Yes, suppose you’re right. We best get a move on too if we’re going to get our nails done, our legs waxed and fit in a spray tan but I’ll have to stop off and pick up my Giro.

Mel:
Sorry, Leanne, no can do, I’m meeting Garr…

End of Scene