Bog Roll

Has there ever been such an
Admission of humanity
Than what you have to go through just
To keep your bum hole sanitary?

I walk the supermarket aisles
And skulk on past the toothpaste
The friendly smell of lanolin
Belies a sense of distaste;

Rows and rows and rows of rolls
Stare innocuously at me,
The wholesome family branding;
Like foundation over acne

Who is it they're trying to kid?
I just want a clean posterior,
I don’t want cutesy puppies
Or one to match with my interior.

And once you’ve made the compromise
Between the softness on your bottom
And the cost of quilted luxury,
You remember you’ve forgotten

You’ve still got to get this value 24 pack
To the till
Where the checkout girl will scan it, smile,
Although it makes her ill

To think about your private time,
Your strokes from front to back,
The soothing pleasure that’s derived
From the balm against your crack.

On the waddle home you carry
Heavy laden shopping bags;
No one will see you’ve bought new pants
Or a pack of 20 fags

But that bloody massive bulk
Hanging there on your right hand
Screams; ‘I need to void my bowels!’
To everybody in the land.

*

Though this everyday white knuckle ride
May not be worth the hype;
Have you ever seen the cashier’s face
When single men buy baby wipes?