Her eyes belonged to infinity

By lavadis

Wed, 27 Feb 2013

11250 reads

28 comments

"Don't fuck with me or I will hurt you."
Her voice was grey green
like the bruises
the rain leaves on a forest floor

She pressed the tip
of her home made shank
against
my trachea
just beside my oesophagus
until butterfly kisses of blood
tattooed my collar

I could grasp
only a snapshot of her face
through the corner of my right eye
it was cratered and indistinct
as if it were a facet of the moon
glimpsed by a Victorian astronomer

"I want"
she corrected herself
"I need you to give me all your money"
her voice was
etched with
first day at school
trepidation
"I won't" I whispered
"I will fucking kill you then"
she replied
her breathing
shallow, rapid
her knife digging further
into my throat
until I could hear
my blood beg her to desist
"then fucking kill me" I replied
"my life has been defined
by a series of threats
and yours is just one more"

She hesitated
then took a step backwards
and dropped the blade

She was no more than 15
but her eyes belonged
to infinity
"You remind me of my father"
she said

Certificate 15

Poetry

Drama

Comments

This again is fabulous

Permalink Submitted by scratch on Wed, 2013-02-27 18:31

This again is fabulous writing.

I love your poetry. Hope

Permalink Submitted by sid on Wed, 2013-02-27 20:26

I love your poetry. Hope you're going to come and read some at the Wheatsheaf in March?

Hi L apart from the lazy

Permalink Submitted by coolibah on Thu, 2013-02-28 02:01

Hi L apart from the lazy tittle, and too many fucking repeats, I like this. Please consider this title: 'Nothing Cleanses Like Rain'

Thank you very much Scratch

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Thu, 2013-02-28 07:01

Thank you very much Scratch and yes I will indeed be at the Wheatsheaf Sid and hope to see you there. Thank you for your comments Coolibah, which are certainly very interesting

I'm interested to know what

Permalink Submitted by sid on Thu, 2013-02-28 09:25

I'm interested to know what you consider repeats, Coolibah. It seems to me that there is not a word wasted here. And also curious as to the relevance of your suggested 'tittle,' which seems rather trite to me

I too was interested in your

Permalink Submitted by scratch on Thu, 2013-02-28 09:38

I too was interested in your rationale regarding 'repetition' coolibah. Indeed I had a similar comment to sid's posted which I then subsequently deleted. If you can it's good to be a little less cryptic with your feedback. I re-read Lavadis's poem and can only assume that your comment is an attempt at humorous observation about the use of 'fuck/fucking' which appears three times in total? As to your suggestion of the title change? The one chosen by Lavadis is infinitely better.

Scratch and Sid, my silence

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Thu, 2013-02-28 09:40

Scratch and Sid, my silence on the post in question conveys, eloquently I hope, my restraint ....

I'm sure you gentlemen can

Permalink Submitted by coolibah on Thu, 2013-02-28 10:18

I'm sure you gentlemen can also count over use of I's and trite fucks here. My apologies, L.

Coolibah, this is how

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Thu, 2013-02-28 10:36

Coolibah, this is how people in the real world speak, particularly during a violent assault and robbery. In truth I could have used an expletive in every sentence for accuracy but did not feel the poem needed it

Fair enough, L. But in

Permalink Submitted by coolibah on Thu, 2013-02-28 11:02

Fair enough, L. But in poetry, as in life, we literally compress as much as plausible, rather than possible or probable, into momental, rather than monumental, spaces. Just my opinion, my friend.

I agree to the degree that

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Thu, 2013-02-28 12:57

I agree to the degree that it still renders our work comprehensible and accessible. You write very very differently to me and this is all about subjective appreciation - there is no rule

But what of a poem being

Permalink Submitted by coolibah on Thu, 2013-02-28 23:00

But what of a poem being memorable, rather than just a good write, my friend? And as for rules, I'm a nihilist, so f- em anyway. A dear friend of mine once stated that 'there is no such a thing as bad poetry, just lines that could be written better. And with lines like the butterfly effect, combined a killer finale of 'her eyes belonged to infinity,' how could you possibly fail to rewrite this better— to make it memorable? Poets and lyricists are literal sharks, at best, my friend. And a poem like this of yours here deserves to be more than mere blood in the water to them. Own it before one of them owns both you and yours is my best advice. Should you require an edit to do as such, I've already one at my fingertips. But be well assured I'm no plagiarist, and both will and have gut them on sight for such.

there is absolutely nothing

Permalink Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on Fri, 2013-03-01 06:57

there is absolutely nothing trite in this poem, nor are there too many fucks, and I do hope you'll read this one at the wheatsheaf

I certainly will and thank

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Fri, 2013-03-01 07:25

I certainly will and thank you !!!!

1 User voted this as great feedback

I would like as many fucks

Permalink Submitted by blighters rock on Fri, 2013-03-01 15:39

I would like as many fucks as possible

Now that, Blighters - that

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Fri, 2013-03-01 15:45

Now that, Blighters - that sir, is the comment of the week

Thank you Stan, there was a

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Fri, 2013-03-01 16:41

Thank you Stan, there was a great deal I could have said in response to Mr C's comments and another version of me, in an alternative dimension has said it.

I,ll be at the Wheatsheaf

Permalink Submitted by jolono on Fri, 2013-03-01 16:43

I,ll be at the Wheatsheaf and you better fucking read this Lav.Or else!

Oh, and I think i owe you a

Permalink Submitted by jolono on Fri, 2013-03-01 16:43

Oh, and I think i owe you a pint!

I fucking will and that is

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Fri, 2013-03-01 16:49

I fucking will and that is two more fucks to add to the collection of too many fucks. I will gladly accept your wonderful pint and I will indeed be reading this at the Wheatsheaf and make specific mention of Mr C's comments.

I have indeed perused Mr C's

Permalink Submitted by lavadis on Fri, 2013-03-01 16:50

I have indeed perused Mr C's oeuvre

Mr, specific? You

Permalink Submitted by coolibah on Fri, 2013-03-01 20:32

Mr, specific? You sure? Mind, I'd much prefer just C as it's just so androgynous lol Poetry (muchalike sexuality) is not a code to be broken but a way of seeing with eyes shut. Well done on POW, L.

Ignoring the "debate" (for

Permalink Submitted by seashore on Sat, 2013-03-02 10:30

Ignoring the "debate" (for want of a better word) in the midst of the comments, Lavadis, I have come back to read this again as I didn't comment after my first read as I literally had no idea what to say. I knew it was good, possibly great but wasn't sure what else to add. So all I will say now is that admire this piece for the hard-hitting quality of content and writing, and in particular, the wonderful ending. Plaudits deserved.