Tony,The Voice In His Head.

He met her in a therapy session. She was tiny. He thought she looked like a frightened little mouse. But he liked her. Really liked her. So he summoned up all his courage and asked her out on a date. Tonight, at the local Italian. It was only two hours away and he was in mid conversation with the voice in his head. The voice he called Tony.

“Tonight’s gonna be a disaster.”

“Nonsense, it’ll be fine.”

“I can’t even decide what to wear.”

“Wear the lime green shirt, with the red corduroy trousers.”

“Won’t that be a bit loud?”

“Women love loud. Wear them with white trainers. You’ll also look cool. Women love cool.”

“Thanks Tony, anything else?”

“Yeah, wear a hat. The biggest you’ve got.”

“I’ve only got my fly fishing hat.”

“Perfect.”

“But why a hat?”

“Obvious. It’s ninety degrees outside; the last thing she’ll expect is for you to wear a hat. I’ll be a big surprise. Women love surprises.”

“You’re right. I read one of those girlie magazines once and there was an article about how to keep your relationship alive. It said, keep surprising her. Thanks Tony.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Should I wear a tie?”

“Don’t be stupid. Not with a lime green shirt. Wear that yellow scarf your mum got you for Christmas. Women love yellow. It’s a feminine colour. Shows that you’ve got emotions. Women love an emotional man.”

“Great idea. I knew there would be a perfect time for that scarf.”

“Don’t even think about trimming up your nasal hair. Women love nasal hair. Makes you look manly. Makes them feel safe.”

“Wow. You really are a one for the ladies Tony. I’d be lost without you.”

“When you’ve been with the amount of women that I have, it comes easy. Second nature.”

“What about the meal itself. What shall I order, Pasta?”

“Crazy idea. Just what everyone would expect in an Italian restaurant. Remember, surprise her. Ask the waiter if he has any Tapas.”

“That’s Spanish isn’t it?”

“Yep, she’ll be impressed. You’ll stand out in the crowd. No one else will ask for Tapas. I guarantee it.”

“Cheers Tony. Before I get ready, any last suggestions.”

“Yeah, as soon as she takes her first mouthful of food, lean across the table and kiss her hard on the lips, try to get your tongue in her mouth as well.”

“While she’s eating?”

“Absolutely. It’s your first kiss. Women like to remember their first kiss. Give her something she’ll never forget.”

“That’s genius Tony. Thanks."

Two hours later, Police are called to an Italian restaurant in the High street. There is a report of a woman screaming.