The Call Centre

The Call Centre 947 words

Due to cutbacks this is an all purpose Call Centre

Cast: Four ladies - One Male voice with recorded messages which in the script are all in red.

Recorded Male Voice:
We are experiencing heavy demand for our services so please bear with us and an operative will take your call as soon as one becomes available. In the meantime we leave you with this piece of music.

1st Operator:
What rubbish shall we give them now?

2nd Operator:
What about the Birdie song? That usually gets them worked up.

3rd Operator:
Yeah, good idea.

They play the Birdie song and all the ladies take off their headsets and start doing the birdie dance.

'It’s a little bit of this (open and close hands like a birds beak)

And a little bit of that

And wiggle your bum… Ah ha ha ha!

It’s a little bit of this

And a little bit of that

And wiggle your bum…Ah ha ha ha!'

Then each time the bit where they normally go round one way then the other will be done differently.
(See separate note on dance)

Supervisor:
That’s enough now, it’s time.

Recorded Male Voice:
Thank you for your patience an operative will be with you shortly.

Supervisor:
Okay, give ‘em something else this time

This time it is the music for The Gavotte and the Operators do this dance too. (See separate note for dance)

Supervisor:
Okay enough now…time to tell them again.

Recorded Male Voice:
We are experiencing heavy demand for our services etc… In the meantime we leave you with this piece of music.

Supervisor:
What else have we got?

1st Operator:
The Radetzky March

Supervisor:
Okay.

2nd Operator:
Oh I love a bit of Strauss.

The Radetzky March is played and the four women dance The Grand March which should really be done slower but it can be done to this piece. This is where we will encourage audience participation by getting them to clap at the appropriate time.
(See separate note for dance)

Supervisor:
Okay, time for their daily workout.

Recorded Male Voice:
If you require assistance with a technical problem please press one.

If you wish to pay your bill please press two.

If you are experiencing difficulty pressing buttons please press three.

If you are deaf then please press four. I said press four. FOUR! If you are deaf then please press five for advice or better still write a letter.

If you are experiencing an emergency and require an operative please press six. You will then be given a list of options from which you can choose the one most appropriate for your situation. Thank you for calling.

1st Operator:
What shall we treat them too now?

3rd Operator:
Gavotte or Radetzky?

2nd Operator:
Oh, definitely Radetzky. I love a bit of Strauss.

1st Operator:
So you keep saying.

Radetsky March is continued but this time the Operators fan out and go amongst audience and get them clapping.

Supervisor:
Enough now. Time to tell ‘em again.

Recorded Male Voice:
Thank you for your patience please continue to hold and your call will be taken by the next available operative.

Supervisor:
Okay, I think it’s time now. Everyone ready? Good. Put your headsets on and let’s get this party started.

They put on headsets.

Recorded Male Voice:
For training purposes calls may be monitored

1st Operator:
Thank you for dialling 999…Which service do you require? What…all three? Oh now you’re just being greedy but in any event due to cutbacks all 999 calls are now being taken at our call centre in Bangla Desh. No, I’m afraid I don’t know the international code. You will need to ring directory enquiries.

2nd Operator:
Directory Enquiries, Monica speaking, how may I help? Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been put through to the wrong department you need Accident and Emergency. If you redial then you will be given a list of options and then choose the one most appropriate to your situation. I’m sorry I’m not qualified to give medical advice but I would suggest that you keep up the CPR while you redial. Thank you for calling Directory Enquiries.

Supervisor:
Duty Supervisor speaking, how may I help? You’ve been trying to reach us all day. You’ve had a fall and you can’t get up… When did you fall? Yesterday…Oh, I’m sorry but you have to be on the floor for at least three days before it can be considered an emergency. Well, it seems to me you have two options here. You can either wait it out till you’ve been on the floor for the mandatory period or you can try pulling yourself together and pulling yourself up. That would seem to be your best option as I’m afraid…Well…there’s no need for language!

1st Operator:
No I’m sorry…only our non-emergency service is open twenty four seven. Emergency services closed at six. Thank you for calling…

3rd Operator:
What’s that you say? Well, I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed; we only deal with non-emergency repairs. How deep did you say the water was? Five foot…in your lounge you say, and how tall are you? Five foot five, oh so, you can still keep your head above water…Then I would suggest you ring again in the morning and I’m sure someone will be able to answer any questions you might have. Thank you for calling Non Emergency Treatment and Repairs Centre but I'm afraid our Emergency Centre closed at six.”

Supervisor:
Okay, girls, tea break!

Recorded Male Voice:
We are experiencing unprecedented demand etc…in the meantime we leave you with this piece of music.

All the Operators walk off stage but one Operator clicks on music as they walk off.
Then at each appropriate time in the music an Operator comes out then a second and so on until all four are out then they dance the Can Can.

This can be done without the need to subject anyone to a slipped disc. It will only need frilly skirts to be moved about with minimum foot movement.
(See separate note on dance)

Cast List

Supervisor Joan 10 speeches

1st Operator Pat 6 speeches

2nd Operator Lesley 4 speeches

3rd Operator Beryl 3 speeches

END