EBOLOWA 19

By simonmiller15

Sun, 20 Sep 2015
  • 2900 reads
8 comments
 

19

 

Certificate 18
Story
EBOLOWA
Historical Fiction
Drama
Crime

Comments

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

 hiya --- it's great to get such a jump to 120 for the latest chapter of  EBOLOWA and I am intrigued to know where and why you all came from!  Thrillers are so dependant on plot and character it's hard to imagine how you are engaging but I hope you stay and read the rest as well.  Thanks to everyone for reading -- Simon

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

 

Submitted by Sandy Hogarth on

This is good Simon. Threatening and powerful. Both parts. Sandy

 

 

Submitted by Sandy Hogarth on

Simon - loved this change and esp. the blackmail over the daughter. Very powerful. Most of my comments relate to 1st part.

'sparkling like a Christmas tree ' - too cliched. 

'Throw up'  - don't need 'his dinner'

"Fuck you,' Harry shouted. Harry instead of 'he' . Ambiguous

Too many kickings. Keep them limited and effective.

'Could've been the most ....in France' doesn't work for me. Why not just 'The most...France.'

Show the dialogue in pora ' Amongst other things..' to make absolutely clear.

"forccart looked up at Marc'  - cut rest.

'One of your hired heavies, Dupin, inhappy...' Sentence a bit clumsy othersie.

Don't need 'silkily'.

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

thanks sandy --- all on the button as ever.

Submitted by jeand on

HI Simon

Glad you are getting more readers now. It is such a powerful book - and such an effort to create such a complex web that it deserves more attention than it had up till now.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

hi Jean - - I just realised which chapter you were commenting on -- the one that got stuck and people couldn't get in buyt every shot counted as a hit - - - NO, I'm sorry to say, that was a false lead! heigh ho. simon

Submitted by simonmiller15 on

Hi Jean - - I'm delighted you're enjoying it and that you think it's a complex and powerful book.  You're right, it IS a complex web, but then (as you know very well) that's history!  A good chunk of the book is true - - I've just tried to put it together as something experienced by various people/different backstories and points of view - - which of course isn't how historians tend to tell the tale (male, white, comfortable etc).  I wonder how your boxcar great uncle would have featured as part of the '29 Crash.  Anyhow, thanks for your comments and encouragement: the readers are there in reasonable numbers but the comments are still few (but always an excellent critical blend).