I Hate the Word Love
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By jeand
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I hate the word Love.
Let me give you an example. My step-mother, aged 98, says she loves me whenever I speak
to her, and expects me to say it back. I don't. This is partly because I don't love her – not in any real sense of the word. It also is because my real mother, who has been dead for almost 50 years, I did love very much, but we never said the word. It wasn't done in our family– but it wasn't needed. We knew we loved each other. It wasn't mentioned between my Dad or Sister and me either, but we were a close family. To say I love my step-mother would seem like a betrayal of my mother.
I know I hurt my step-mother's feelings when I say, “Thank you” or “Good Bye” or “Okay” when she wants me to say those three words. It wouldn't kill me to say them, and not mean them, and this last weekend, when her phone conversation ended with, “I love you so much,” said in a desperate voice, I found myself saying, “me too,” and then quickly hanging up before I could take it back. But it left a sour taste in my mouth.
When she chased my dad and married him within months of my mother's death, she said. “I don't want to be your mother. I just would like to be your friend.” I was okay with that, and I have kept my side of the bargain. I wrote to her regularly until her sight was too bad for her to read my letters, so now I phone her once a week. Every few years I go to visit her for a few days, as part of my trip to see other relatives. And I send her presents for her birthday and Christmas.
I think the word Love is overused by most – and as a result loses its real meaning. I also hate the kissing and hugging that seems expected and automatic with friends, and often strangers. I wonder if they see me cringe. I certainly never initiate these actions except with close family.
I know the Christian message – Love God and Love your Neighbours as you Love Yourself. I'm not sure I do very well at any of them. I try, but probably not hard enough.
I decided to make a list of things that I say I love, and analyze whether I am using the word incorrectly. I often say that I love to play bridge and scrabble. I look forward to my games each week, and usually have a good time, win or lose. I probably have a better time when I win, and when I meet up with people I enjoy being with, but for the most part, my life would be much duller without these pastimes. I really do love them.
I say I love to write, and to read stories, although both are dependent on me having the right frame of mind, and the right topic. If I lost my ability to do either, I would be devastated, so I do think Love is the right word to use.
What else do I love? A beautiful sunset, some particular pieces of music, being outside when the weather is perfect, a nice glass of wine at the end of the day, certain TV programmes that move me.
Certainly enough things to ensure that my life is for the most part a happy one. And in the end, does saying the word really matter?
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Comments
Thought-provoking, Jean, and
Thought-provoking, Jean, and I can empathize with much that is on your mind. As a family, when I was growing up we didn't kiss, hug, or say 'I love you' much, but I think we were at ease with each other and had a warmth of expression in greeting. I remember feeling a little guilty when dropping my children off at playgroup with little fuss, and almost envying the big hugs of some, but aware that for mine it would make the parting seem worse than it was, and get them feeling they should be emotional about the separation.
I do have great difficulty in feeling I love my mother-in-law, because I can't get to know her, and feel the door is shut in my face, but have come to realise that I must accept she can't reveal her feelings, and probably never has been able to, but I can show her Christian care and concern and, yes, love in the more objective sense, but difficult to involve feelings. So, love can cover different aspects of our concern or trying to be helpful towards, wanting good for, or affection for others? Does that make sense? She doesn't say 'I love you', but does say, frequently 'Thank you, Darling'. And that I'm afraid I find really hard. I think it trips off the tongue, and in my upbringing, 'darling' was a word of fun, or for shop-keepers or music halls to use. Also she and her husband said it so often irritably to each other, that that has confirmed a dislike of receiving it. My husband knows and empathizes anyway, and doesn't call me darling except (very rarely) to tease me! Maybe I shouldn't hate the word 'darling', and you shouldn't hate the word 'love', though aware of its misuse, and hating the way it is used shallowly or without apparent meaning sometimes.
I suppose loving things is something different anyway. Maybe in some languages there are different words for the different kinds of loving. Rhiannon
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It is indeed thought
It is indeed thought provoking, and I think to some extent it's a generational thing. I don't ever remember my parents saying they loved me, but I had no doubt that they did. However I think it was part of a reluctance to engage in any kind of emotional dialogue and at certain times of my life I did find that difficult and it made it hard to talk about some very important things.
I do say 'Love you lots,' to my kids on the phone or when saying goodbye, but rather than feeling I need to say it for them to know it, I suppose it's almost a kind of signal that it's all right to have that emotional dialogue and that I don't have a problem with them bringing up things that are close to their heart, however difficult.
I never told my late father I loved him, but I don't regret that because he would have been embarrassed if I had. I don't say it to my mother for the same reason. But saying it is part of my relationship with my own children. I don't think anyone should say it if they don't mean it, and actions always speak louder.
Jean, thanks for posting this. Like all the best writing it makes you think and question.
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Love is, as love does, my
Love is, as love does, my personal philosphy.
A thought provoking piece, Jean. Many thanks for posting. Shall read and re-read. Made me think of Shakespeare's King Lear and his daughters.
Tina
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With Valentines day on the
With Valentines day on the horizon this seemed like a good time to write about love. I find it hard to say I love you unless it's truely meant, but find it so easy on special occasions, usually in a card to my partner. I also think saying I love you constantly devalues the word. For me it's all to do with the little caring things like a kiss, or the everyday things we do to make life easier for our loved ones.
I certainly think you've brought to the surface an interesting topic which leaves me to question that word love.
Jenny.
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Beautifully put
My dad once wrote me a thank-you letter saying he loved me dearly but could not bring himself to say it out loud.
I have never been so happy as when someone I love accepts my saying that I love them (and even says it back!); however I have also felt hatred for certain people who claim to love me. It's a bitter world sometimes and sometimes it is the most beautiful word in the world.
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Some people love in a more
Some people love in a more practical way, and caring is still love. It's what you do that counts in life, not what you say. Maybe your mother-in-law just wants you to know what you mean to her, especially at this stage of her life. Phoning her every week, even done out of duty, shows you care. And an occasional 'me too.' costs nothing, but might bring peace to an old lady. You're very kind, Jean, and thoughtful. People understand a lot from that.
A very thought provoking piece, and well written.
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Very interesting points Jean,
Very interesting points Jean, and in responses. As a child there were never hugs and kisses or 'I love yous', it was just not done in our family, but the acceptance of love was there.
Lindy
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It's such a weighty word, yet
It's such a weighty word, yet we only seem easy in using it when it on something light and so change its meaning. Lots to think about here.
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